Adventures In the Suburban Jungle Episode Three


The Story of an American Gigolo

I can remember the story so clearly. It is hard for me to recount all the details, as I have tried to repress them for the past couple of years. This is the first time this has become public.

(So that may have been a little to dramatic)

A couple of years ago I was at a watch party for my favorite college team with a good friend of mine. The place was packed, absolutely no open seats in the entire room, except for one, right next to me. As the game is getting started, my friend leans over to me and says “Oh crap, see that woman who just walked into the room, whatever you do, stay away from her, she will talk your ear off.” Well, as luck would have it, she found her way to the ONLY open seat in the house, next to me. As the game went on (and it was one of the better games I have ever been able to ‘kind of’ watch) she talked the entire time. She told me all about the things she was involved in. Introducing herself as the Honorary Lt. Governor of some state that I thought was a little sketchy, but she did have a card for it. She then proceeds to get my number and tells me that she needs someone to possibly help her out. As I listen to this, my first thought is that she will never call me ever again and that would have been the last time I saw this woman of the watch party. 

A little back story on her. She was in her late, late, late 80s. Her husband invented some sort of oil process that we have all heard about today, so she had money. Her husband had passed away. She was not able to drive. She did not like to go to things alone. 

A week after I met her, I get a call asking me to help escort her to and Offshore Drilling night of dinner and dancing. I was a little caught off guard, and before I could think, I said yes. She told me I would need to pick her up promptly at 5:30 pm and be wearing my tux. I quickly said, “I do not own a tux, where do we go from here.” She said 2 things - 1. A man your age should own a tux. 2. Go to Al’s Formal Wear tomorrow at noon to get fitted. 

I showed up, got fitted and did not pay a dime. As I go to pull out my wallet, the person helping me out said these words that sound so good, “Oh, it has already been taken care of.”

As I drive down to pick her up, I realized, as I get to the door, that she had invited me over an hour early, and we were going to have tea. I felt like I had stepped back into time, like I was on the set of Sense and Sensibility. And if you know me at all, that is totally out of place for me. Over tea, she requires me to tell her all about myself, my life goals, and what I see myself doing for the rest of my life. After she dressed and I escorted her to my car, we were on our way to the dinner. On the car ride over, she gave me lessons on how to act that night. 

  1. Always open the door for her.
  2. Always walk at least 2 feet behind her, basically flanking her.
  3. At dinner, wait until she takes the first bite before I was able to eat.
  4. When introduced to someone, I wait until she begins the conversation and includes me, then I could talk.
  5. When she holds her drink up, that means I need to go get her another.
  6. Once the dancing began, she would not be able to dance, but she will set up people for me to dance.

This just scratched the surface. And I followed all these rules and more. As we arrived at the hotel for dinner, I quickly found out that it was $1000 a plate dinner, and I was able to eat and drink as much as I wanted, she footed the bill. She told me to enjoy the night, but that she was always my number on priority. As the night went on, the dance floor opened. Per rule #6, I politely asked her to dance, and she declined. But, she walked me to tables and had me dance with ladies who were the wives of CEOs and presidents of oil companies here in Houston. It was at that point I felt the most whored out, but if you know me you know I love to dance, so I was doing ok. We finished the night at Marble Slab, her choice, with her getting vanilla and Oreos and me having birthday cake mix. At the end of the night, as I dropped her off, she told me that I should be expecting her call.

And call she did. Here is a list of some of the things I was able to do with her. 

  • Dinner at the Chinese Consulate
  • Tea party at her house with her bridge group
  • Fundraising dinner at a prestigious country club
  • Shopping at the Galleria

There are more stories to come, possibly. Not sure if they are legally binding or I could be sued. 

** Names have been removed to protect the innocent

Posted on January 5, 2013 .