Life in the Suburban Jungle Episode One


The following is an account from the front lines of what it means to be a man in the modern suburban jungle. The names have been changed because Yancy didn't seem to hit the tone we were looking for. Don't worry Yancy, we got your back.

"The Marriage License"

So I was recently married, which as most married people know is a real easy task. Not a whole lot of stuff to do before or after you are married. One of the 'simple' after wedding tasks was getting our marriage license, which should be pretty easy. Say I Do, drop the piece of paper in the mail and a month later, it shows up. The one thing we forgot about is the simple fact that we are relying on two government bodies to get the license back. So last week, almost two months after the wedding, I call the county clerk to check on the status and this is the great conversation we had (if only I was making this up)

K - Kyle

S - Sandra, amazing clerk's office worker

S - "Clerks office

K - Yes ma'am I wanted to check on the status of my marriage license.

S - Well sir, they take up to a month to deliver.

K - Ok, I was married on December 9th and we sent it in December 12th. 

S - Sir, it is February 1st, it has not quite been a month

Timeout - One thing about me is that it is really hard for me to be speechless. You will notice numerous times I was rendered speechless.

K - (Speechless)

S - Sir, do you want to call back on the 12th of February.

K - No maam, it was the 12th of December, a month and a half ago.

S - Oh, well did you check in your mailbox

K - Yes ma'am I did.

S - And was it in there?

K - No, that is why I am calling.

S - Well did you give us the correct address?

K - I believe so, which one do you have on file.

S - The one you gave us when you filed for it.

K - And which one was that.

S - Hold please.

(after 3 minutes of some sort of Kenny G muzak)

S - Sir are you there?

K - Yes, did you find the address

S - Is it this one (I am not writing it, because my wife would kill me)

K - Yes that is the right one.

S - Well then it should be there soon.

K - Is there any way to check on when it will be mailed.

S - Hold please

(5 minutes of Kenny Gzak)

S - It was mailed on January 9th

K - Ok, I have not received it yet.

S - I am sorry to hear that.

K - (Speechless)

S - Sir, what else can I help you with.

K - Letting me know where my marriage license is. 

S - Well, like I just told you, we mailed it on January 9th. Once we mail it, it is out of our hands and we are no longer responsible for it. So you should check the post office or apartment complex office.

K - I did that and we can not find it anywhere. Is there a way that you could reissue another one for us. We need one to change my wife's name.

S - Well we are not allowed to do that. By law, we can only give you one. And if you lose it or did not receive it, there is nothing we can do.

K - So you are telling me I can not get my original marriage license ever?

S - Yes sir.

K - This was the most speechless, I almost choked on the air I was trying to form into words.

S - Sir is there anything else.

K - So we can never change my wife's name?

S - No, they do not accept the original license, you have to come in and get a certified copy. 

K - Ok, could I talk to your supervisor.

S - No sir, they are not going to be able to help you and we are swamped today.

K - Ok

S - Thank you for calling the clerks office."

I am still in shock from this call. If you find my license, please let me know.

Posted on March 2, 2012 .