Will you people relax! Sure Matt Schaub looks like Brandon Weeden only without Weeden's arm strength. Sure Arian Foster looks disinterested at times. Sure Kase Keenum's hurt. Again. Sure J.J. Watt looks like a giant bro'ed out bro in that Ford commercial...and that HEB commercial...and that fantasy football commercial...and those ads at Kroger...and that ice cream commercial. Relax! The season ain't over yet. We at surebud are here to offer real solutions to fake problems like the the Texans' QB quandary. So let's say that Schaub goes down with another injury and, after you guys cheer, the Texans need a steady hand to guide the ship. We have options:
Can we start anywhere else? Seriously no. Rick Smith tripped over Vince Young this morning as he walked into the Texans' facility. Look, dude is looking for a job.
Like at lot.
Dude's got Paul Wall out there tweeting for him. As far as Mid 2000's white rappers go Paul Wall is THE authority on duel threat quarterbacks. Plus the Texans could finally put that '06 draft fiasco behind them.
But what else does Vince bring you? Easy, VY was a Madison man from way back. He broke Houston's heart when he was with the Titans. He's a Longhorn and he's got a sweet almost sidearm motion that will remind so many of us of mittens, David Carr himself. Also VY won't need a playbook. He didn't really learn the one in Tennessee and he certainly won't need one here, my man's been watching Texans' games for almost 3 seasons now. He'll also be cheap. All the Texans really need to do is buy out a small portion of his steak house in Austin.
Easy fit here. The Texans need help at QB and D-Line. Done and done. JaMarcus got up to 300 lbs before the Raiders finally said "there is no way we can possibly keep a guy this awesome on our roster, we will release him into the wild for the benefit of the entire planet." That may not be a direct quote but it could be a quote or at the very least a thought. JaMarcus parlayed an average LSU season into a number one draft slot by the Raiders. If anyone knows how to pluck talent out of the sky it's the Raiders. At 6'6" 281 JaMarcus will certainly fill out a uniform or two AND get this, he's two years younger than VY. That's like 2011 Vince Young. You know those iconic Philadelphia years.
JaMarcus will be ultra cheap, though he will require an investment on the back end, the man loves to carb load before games, practice, weight lifting, driving, watching tv, sitting, sleeping and carb loading. Get on the phone to Mobile, Alabama and get this done Texans.
You're probably asking yourself, "Wait is surebud kidding with this pipe dream?" No we are not. We don't kid about Wrangler Jeans or Brett Favre and by the way right about now Brett is fitting into a size 32. Mr. Favre is in the best shape of his life at age 44, his agent says so and agents don't lie. It's the law.
Plus Brett has been watching Payton Manning climb ever so close to his passing yards record so why not come back to top that thing off a bit instead of hoping for another Manning neck injury? Plus he's a team first guy. Remember how well things ended in Minnesota? Never mind that, that was that felon Ziggy Wilf's fault, not Brett's. This might be just the move that could either bring John Madden out of retirement or certainly spawn a new stream of Frank Caliendo sketches. Those sure are funny right? Right?
Get your cell phone ready Brett, it's football time in Texas.
I'm sorry what? Colt McCoy, brother of Case? Yep, you can have him. Sure he's playing with the 49ers but come on, like he's going to beat out Collin Kaepernick or something. Colt is a winner. Don't believe me? Then how'd he pull a paycheck after getting beaten out by Brandon Weeden? Seriously how?
Better yet, sign both VY and Colt! It'd be like signing Willie Nelson and Waylon Jennings to play quarterback, and almost as effective. You could play some sort of hybrid Wildcat formation with Colt explaining the play to Vince and then Vince just doing his thing while Colt wins. Can anyone hope to stop that? Answer: Possibly not. Sign me up.
There, options galore to save the season. Act fast because who knows when Jacksonville or Tampa will start making phone calls. These guys won't last long.