Planning Your Football Weekend: Week Six

It's week six of college football. We've got our second wind. Based on the smell I can surmise that the wind isn't healthy or even wind for that matter, but we'll take it. We have no other choice at this point. Week six is here.

All times Texas.

This man can't help you Paul Rhoads.  

This man can't help you Paul Rhoads.  

Thursday

Texas at Iowa State, ESPN, 6:30

Is this the Mack Brown farewell tour? Now that Deloss Dodds has announced his retirement we’ve moved to a strong maybe. Poor Iowa State, maybe the Missouri Valley might be more kind to you. If this were a wrestling intersectional we’d take the Cyclones. It ain’t.

If Texas should lose, just imagine a thousand regents on a thousand planes flying to places like Boise, Nashville, Waco, College Station, and Tuscaloosa. That'll keep you warm for a while.

Saturday

                                     Don't tread on me.  

                                     Don't tread on me.  

Air Force at Navy, CBS, 10:30 a.m.

This Commander in Chief game is in jeopardy because of the government shutdown. On that note, I drove through Chick-Fil-A this morning and got a spicy biscuit and a large DP. I’d say the shutdown hasn’t hit home for me yet. Take away my chicken biscuit and we riot.

After the Feds shut it down, turn to...

Georgia at Tennessee, CBS, 2:30

Does Georgia have an LSU hangover? I know a lot Georgia fans who literally still do. The Vols welcome the Dawgs to Knoxville. Tennessee has absolutely no quarterback. Sure they have quarterbacks on the roster, none of which can do quarterbacky things like throw passes, lace shoes, run, etc. UT is scrambling to see if Tee Martin has any eligibility left. Hey, Todd Helton recently retired, give him a call.

                                   Put me in coach! 

                                   Put me in coach! 

Before Aaron Murray steals your gal, knock it over to... 

Rice at Tulsa, CBS Sports Net, 2:30

This one’s for the Conference USA Western Division Title! Or some such. Rice’s offense has been pretty offensive lately. Tulsa is 1-3 and has sucked out loud so far this year. If you people don’t watch out North Texas is gonna win the Western Division and then what? You’ll feel real silly won’t you.

Tired of high graduation rates? Turn to... 

I'd like to announce my candidacy for any job currently or possibly available. 

I'd like to announce my candidacy for any job currently or possibly available. 

LSU at Mississippi State, ESPN, 6

Dan Mullen sent his resume to USC and UConn this week just because. Dan goes with the theory that if he gets his resume in first he’ll have the best shot at landing the gig. Anything to get him out of Starkville.

Les lost last week, but it wasn’t because of his poor clock management. That’s kind of a win, right Les?

After Les Miles punts on second down for the third time go to...

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TCU at Oklahoma, Fox, 6

Oklahoma where the wind goes roaming through he plain. That’s a musical reference kids. Gary “Blood in the Eye” Patterson heads to Norman with his season in the balance. OU is now officially the Ivan Drago of the Big 12. They Will Break You Gary, watch yourself.

After a Stoops blows a gasket go on over to... 

Arizona State vs. Notre Dame in Arlington, Texas, NBC, 6:30

If you can, listen to this one on the radio rather than tuning in, the uniforms are that bad. Tommy Reese is worse by the way. Todd Graham, has also applied for the USC and UConn jobs. He’s not interested in either job, it's just that his stay at the Howard Johnsons is almost over and he needs a HoJo to land in.  

After the third costume change go directly to...

You want us to wear...this? 

You want us to wear...this? 

Save us Pat Fitzgerald, you're our only hope. 

Save us Pat Fitzgerald, you're our only hope. 

Ohio State at Northwestern, ABC, 7

Northwestern may be our only hope of stopping Ohio State from running the table. Kind of like banking on the French to stop the Germans in World War II, you know except way more important.

After Brent Musburger give you his locks for the NFL weekend turn to... 

West Virginia at Baylor, Fox Sports 1, 7

I’ve seen the Oklahoma State/West Virginia tape, I don’t know how the Cowboys lost or, more importantly how the Mountaineers won. Baylor plays a non-NAIA member for the first time this year, but don’t worry they’ll drop a 60 burger on West Virginia. Drink that Red Bull Dana, there's magic in that can.

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Bryce Petty will start throwing TDs to fourth string walk-on receivers, that's about the time you'll want to change it to...

Washington at Stanford, ESPN, 9:30

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AND OUR HAMMER FIGHT OF THE WEEK!

This is our big one of the week and our second Pac 12 hammer fight of the season. Who knew that the left coast could produce two non-gang initiated hammer fights in one season? Will wonders ever cease.

Why does it matter? Because Steve Sarkisian is now officially auditioning for the USC job and Stanford would fill in that bullet point he dreadfully misses, you know the “Beat a Really Good Team” one. Stanford is fresh off putting Mike Leach in his own utility closet. Now they set their sights on burning the entire state of Washington to the ground.

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The Woodshed of the Week

We have a new sponsor on the Round-Up - The State of Vermont! Little known fact, the state of Vermont is the national leader in Woodsheds per capita. They sponsor our new Feature: The Woodshed Game of the Week. While we've got your attention consider planning a trip to the Cold Hollow Cider Mill in Waterbury Center, VT. Free samples of cider, fudge and so much more. 

On to the game where one team invites another behind the Woodshed for a beating of biblical proportion.

Georgia State at Alabama

Georgia State lost at home, to Tennessee Chattanooga, by 28. This should go well. Saban will probably have his entire sideline doing up downs the second half to maintain focus. The line on this one is Alabama +55. That's like the Jaguars on the road at Kansas City but with less Blaine Gabbert. Lose, lose, lose. Good luck GSU, America will be averting its eyes.

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Pillow Fight of the Week

The worst matchup of week six is a slap in the face to Walter White as we take dead aim at his home state.

New Mexico State at New Mexico

The I-25 Rivalry kicks off on Saturday in the ABQ. For the record New Mexico State is currently the 124th best team in the land out of a possible 125. Good news Ags, you ain't getting jumped by number 125 Georgia State this week. New Mexico comes in at a respectable 111. SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE! New Mexico State was left at the firehouse by the WAC but thankfully the Sun Belt came to rescue our friends from the Land of Enchantment. New Mexico is stuck in the Mountain West, condemned to be a homecoming guest for the foreseeable future. Let's take the Lobos and sleeping pills.   

We leave you with Dana Holgorson. Here's to feeling good all the time.

 

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