It's week 9, one for the right ring finger for those of you into man jewelry, or a complete set if you took woodshop from Mr. Ebner in 7th grade like I did. The few of you left can now scoreboard your friends who bailed week 3 or 4. Those pricks with their jobs, wives, proper boundaries, good communication skills, and low cholesterol. Well we've seen Fresno State play like 4 times so you decide who got the better end of that deal.
All times approved by Rick Perry.
Kentucky at Mississippi State, ESPN, 6:30
Winner of this one gets its state’s first full set of Encyclopedias. Mark Stoops has given up on getting a signature win, he’ll settle for a series of well-executed first downs. We’re all pulling for you Mark.
Boise State at Brigham Young, ESPN, 7
Looking forward to NBC’s “Grimm” on Friday night? The plan calls for DVR’ing that modern adaptation of Aesop’s Fables and watching a live retelling of Hansel and Gretel on ESPN. BYU has built a sugar-coated woodshed and invited a depleted Boise State in for taste. You ain’t gonna like it Boise, not one bit.
Northwestern at Iowa, BTN, 11 a.m.
Pretty sure this is our first Big 10 Network telecast on PYCFW. See what I did there. Iowan’s are a hearty people which has served them well during the Kirk Ferentz era in Iowa City. Kirk Ferentz makes $3.9 MILLION dollars a year. Kirk Ferentz! If you took that salary with those results in the South you’d be arrested for theft.
Don't tread long here, fire over to...
Oklahoma State at Iowa State, FSN, 11 a.m.
We’re going to call Iowa State America’s team because dad-gum they are. Times are tough in the good ol’ US of A. Just ask Bruce Springsteen or Miley Cyrus. Iowa State has been through the ringer in 2013 and last week Baylor dropped a 70 burger on our heroes. But hey, a game with Okie State in Ames means we get to show this missed game winning field goal that probably was actually, you know, a made game winning field goal.
We now move on from our Iowa intensive portion of PYFW with…
N.C. State at Florida State, ABC, 2:30
Sure you can beat the number three team in America at their stadium on National TV, but can you handle a mediocre unranked opponent at home Florida State? A pensive nation awaits.
After Jameis Winston wins the Heisman get it to...
Tennessee at Alabama, CBS, 2:30
So many hammer fights to potentially choose from, but we’ll have to take this one for our annual tribute to Michael Pare and Willem Defoe’s winner take all climax from Streets of Fire.
Why does it matter? Because it’s the 3rd Saturday in October, which means something to people from parts of Alabama and Tennessee, we don’t know what it means, but they’re pretty fired up about it. Plus Butch Jones is on a dad-burn roll and now he’ll take his orange armada to the iron fortress of ‘Bama. You’re gonna need a bigger boat Butch.
We’ll take Bama to win.
Once Vern chortles for the 9th time get thee to...
Texas Tech at Oklahoma, Fox, 2:30
I like to picture Kliff pondering life over an old fashioned in the Norman Fox and the Hound on Friday night before his team takes on OU, as a bevy of tarted up, middle aged, disgruntled house wives wait for Kliff behind the velvet rope boundary. Just wanted to paint that picture. Anyway, this is the portion of the Tech schedule that we call reality. It will come swiftly and painfully.
Belldozer is mad. Belldozer need food...
Utah at Southern California, Pac-12, 3
From my anthropological study of the Utes, they appear to be the Texas Tech of the Pac 12. Full of misguided energy and pointless field rushing, but with less caffeine and more sister wives. Plus, like Lubbock and, in my experience, San Saba strange things happen in Salt Lake City. This game is in SoCal and Yaw-Yaw-Yaw is in charge. All bets are off.
After the MUSS rushes a local Starbucks, get it to...
UCLA at Oregon, ESPN, 6
Oregon feels snubbed by the initial BCS rankings. “What? You didn’t see us kick the hell out of Nichol’s State?” Settle down there young ducklings. You’re time will come. They’ll try to take their frustrations out on the Bruins. If we ever need a sound performance from a Mora, it may be now.
South Carolina at Missouri, ESPN2, 6
Steve Spurrier vs. Gary Pinkel. This is akin to choosing between diarrhea and constipation. There is a correct answer to that question by the way.
Once the old ball coach cracks open his second case of Coors, get to...
Texas at TCU, Fox Sports, 1, 6:30
Can we go ahead and call this one the “Who Can Save Their Season Bowl.” Err Shootout. Whatever. TCU has played in about three of these in a row, it hasn’t gone well, but there’s hope that 15,000 Texas fans can help finally fill the Amon Carter.
After TCU runs a fourth straight double reverse pass, click over to...
Stanford at Oregon State, ESPN, 9:30
Oregon State takes the field by following a chainsaw wielding linebacker. It’s the most terrifying 23 seconds in college football. Stanford don’t scare. They righted the ship against UCLA after, I guess the phrase is, “wronging the ship” against Utah.
Furman at LSU
Our Vermont Woodshed game of the week features Furman traveling to LSU. Speaking of traveling, do you enjoy a road trip? Try a jaunt from Montpelier to Burlington up scenic I-89. They teach classes on rug hooking in Montpelier.Our Woodshedder for this week features the Paladins of Furman, wait, what? What is a Paladin? Can we just assume it's a dragon with a sword and a shield and a lions head. Anyway, it won't go well for the Furmanses on Saturday. Death Valley is a cruel place for dragons with lion heads. Good luck with that Furman.
Abilene Christian at New Mexico State
Our pillow fight of the week once again features the Aggies from Las Cruces. We aren't picking on you New Mexico State, we just want to make you better. You know how you don't get better? Playing ACU for homecoming. Matter of fact, you might get worse. What if, just what if, ACU wins this one? Then what New Mexico State? Not a good look. Crown a queen, a king, a moat, a dragon, but make sure you beat ACU.
We leave you with two offensive lineman, one cooler.