It’s All Hallows Eve, your kids and their new dad will be dressing up and going door-to-door asking for candy. You will be wearing the one shirt that doesn’t grab at the waist, and the only door you’ll be opening is the one to your fridge so you can smell a half eaten can of Chef Boyardee Ravioli to test its sanitary condition. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not a winner because you are.
It’s dad-gum week 10!
All times Texas unless otherwise noted.
South Florida at Houston, ESPN, 6
Houston are wearing new uniforms for the occasion. That’s what you do when a two-win USF team comes to Clutch City!
You’ll note that the kids were pretty excited about the fake uniform. They would have been excited if the new outfit was a jockstrap and three tube socks. Cause you know… college kids are bastions of good taste and style.
Rice at North Texas, Fox Sports 1, 6:30
We aren’t prone to hyperbole but THIS IS THE POTENTIALLY THE BIGGEST GAME IN THE HISTORY OF THE NEW CONFERENCE USA. WESTERN DIVISION. THIS WEEKEND. Now we just need UNT to wear their big boy pants and get close to selling out Apogee Stadium for the first time ever. I mean Allen High School can sell out their stadium. So…
Southern California at Oregon State, ESPN2, 8
Yaw Yaw Yaw Football loads up the Hummer up and heads into Oregon for a game with the Beavs. He’ll probably engage in some illegal logging on his way up there. Yaw Yaw don’t get no scare from no beaver kids, he used to have a pet beaver. He fed it to the gator, which he then ate. Circle of life.
Army at Air Force, ESPNU, 11 a.m.
Commander in Chiefs Trophy run-in number two. Things haven’t gone particularly well for either of these squads but that doesn’t really matter, as both academies are just thrilled to be somewhat evenly matched against an opponent. It’s how I imagine a bar fight playing out: you see a guy who’s your size and skill level near the pool tables but you have to make your way through a series of UFC fighters to get to him. Once there I assume you hug while reaching for a cue ball to clobber him with.
I need to read more books.
Patriotismed out? Let’s head north to…
Michigan at Michigan State, ABC, 2:30
Mark Dantonio is like a more northern, crabbier Paul Johnson. Our feelings about Paul Johnson have been made clear here before. Dantonio however has never found himself in our cross hairs and for good reason. We are terrified of him. Good luck coach. Winner gets to carry around the Paul Bunyan trophy for a year. I swear I have an uncle who has a lamp looks just like that thing.
Had enough intra-state hate? Drive south for a little inter-state dislike.
Florida vs. Georgia in Jacksonville, CBS, 2:30
The Worlds Biggest Cocktail Party returns to Jacksonville on Saturday and features two teams that hoped for better but instead got worse. Gators and Bulldogs were both road kill for that Missouri semi that, until last week, was running roughshod over the SEC East. This weekend they’ll both commiserate on what might have been over a few cold ones amid the flip flop and fake boob crowd that makes the state of Florida so…Florida.
Ready for even less offense? Get it to…
Navy at Notre Dame, NBC, 2:30
The Irish and the Midshipmen in a tilt that got Charlie Weis fired. The Mids were the pesky foe of the Fighting Irish during Big Charlie’s tenure. Not a great measuring stick for old Touchdown Jesus. Brian Kelly has arrived and restored order to the game. These are the kind of rivalries that the Irish embrace; you know the kind with a high winning potential.
Ready for some down home hate? Fire over to…
Sam Houston State vs. Stephen F. Austin KUBE/ESPN3 3
Dear Texas and OU, You know how you emasculated your annual score settling by renaming it the Red River Rivalry? Take a lesson from the Battle of the Piney Woods, not only do they still call it a "Battle" and not the “Intense Hugging It Out of the Piney Woods” they have a trophy with shootin’ irons on it. If Florida/Georgia is the World’s Largest Cocktail Party, then Sam/SFA must be the World’s Biggest Natty Light Rager or some such.
Tired of Southland on Southland crime? Find…
Tennessee at Missouri, ESPN, 6
Missouri will take last week’s loss to their grave, which is exactly where Alabama left Tennessee. This is a classic Missouri “total let down moment,” then again Tennessee has left their football playing ability largely back in Knoxville when they’ve ventured outside the friendly confines this year. Could be SEC ugly.
Need some offense? Try out…
Oklahoma State at Texas Tech, Fox, 6
Halfway through the Big 12 slate and NO ONE wants to win the league. Well Baylor does, but their all Baptisty weird about it. Speaking of, check out Coach McDreamy’s tweet for the game.
Yes indeed Kliff, let’s get weird.
Afterwards head over to…
Miami (Fla.) at Florida State, ABC, 7
And our HAMMMER FIGHT OF THE DOG-GONE-WEEK! Our weekly “what up” to Streets of Fire is a down home FLOrida showdown.
Why does it matter? Because if this were 1987 this would be the biggest game of the year. Then Bobby Bowden’s kicker would miss a field goal to the right and Howard Schnellenburger/Jimmy Johnson/Dennis Erickson would run off the field with Bobby’s wallet and buy a home stereo that they would play too loud on Bobby’s lawn. This ain’t 1987.
We’ll take the Noles to win, more on that later.
Kent State at Akron
MACtion Pillow Fight! These teams have combined for four wins this year so get ready for intensity in ten cities. Kent State scores 19 points a game, which is awesome except they allow 32 points an outing. Akron scores 20 a game but they also allow 32 points a game. What does it all mean? What the hell is a Zip or a Golden Flash? If I can get a straight answer to that I may be able to focus on the statistical thingy.
Miami (Fla.) at Florida State, ABC, 7
The State of Vermont brings us our Woodshed Game of the Week! Hey it’s Halloween, which means it’s time for the Edgar Allen Poe Halloween Spooktakular in Montpelier. There’ll be a costume contest, door prizes and a 21 piece jazz band. 21 full pieces! Totes better than 20 pieces.
TWIST! Our Woodshed and our Hammer Fight are the same game! I love us and all our randomness! Miami has squeaked by two sub-par teams in the past two weeks, FSU has beaten Clemson, its quarterback won the Heisman, the Noles delivered three calves and have eaten the Grandy’s buffet twice. The Seminoles will construct a crude woodshed from used spears and tee-pee materials and invite the U out back for a lot-o-payback for all those Bobby Bowden heartbreakers from the 80’s.
We leave you with marching band awesomeness.