It’s the dirty dozen folks, which is an apt description of where we are right about now. We are covered in salsa and cheeto powder and there are only about 12 of us who have cared enough to stick around. Wear it as a badge of honor; right next to your Piggly Wiggly name tag.
All times are Texas.
Michigan State at Nebraska, ABC, 2:30
Mark Dantonio leads the greatest defensive juggernaut since the ’85 Bears into Lincoln against a Nebraska offense that resembles what the ’85 Bears defense would look like if it played offense.
Shoot for a positive rushing day Huskers. We’ll go ahead over to…
Georgia at Auburn, CBS, 2:30
The internet blew up with Aaron Murray’s new girlfriend news this week. We’ll leave the googling to you. Regardless of Aaron’s off the field issues, his on the field issue will be Auburn and crazy Gus Malzahn. Auburn is on a collision course with Alabama in the Iron Bowl. Georgia has staggered into the street chasing butterflies or waterfalls unaware of the impending boom. Get out of the street Georgia!
Once Vern takes another shot at ESPN flick it to…
Oklahoma State at Texas, Fox, 2:30
AND OUR HAMMER FIGHT OF THE WEEK! Our weekly salute to Willem Dafoe’s palest acting role is on Fox which means that Gus Johnson will overreact to EVERY FIRST DOWN!
Why does it matter? Because the Big 12’s mammoth game of musical chairs is now down to the part that matters. No more useless Iowa Sate matchups, no more “Hey Tech is an elite team” hyperbole, no more Blake Belldozer and OU distraction, we’re on to games that matter and now the round robin death match between Oklahoma State, Texas, and Baylor begins. It’s like the Hunger Games except with a serviceable plot and better acting.
We’ll take OSU for the win and to get us finally get us to 10 hammer fight wins.
TCU at Kansas State, FSN, 2:30
Chalk this one up to our macabre sense of spectacle but the Bud really wants to see what Wizard Bill cooks up for TCU. Don’t work too hard Bill; TCU will probably do a fair amount of tripping over their shoelaces for four quarters.
Had enough of two quarterback systems? Fire over to…
Utah at Oregon, Fox Sports 1, 3
We picked the Ducks against Stanford last week, and of course Stanford went ahead and smashed up Oregon’s pretty face with a series of triple tight end sets and a reimagining of the flying V. Now Oregon gets on with their lives once again, hoping to erase any memory of what happened in Palo Alto and trying to sneak back into a BCS game. All that to say Utah should go ahead and buckle up, this will get rough.
Once the Utes find out how much a Duck can rage, flip to…
Florida at South Carolina, ESPN2, 6
Will Muschamp was this close to being the head coach at Texas. Let’s that marinate as you watch Florida run around trying to throw spirals, block people, and drink from Gatorade bottles on Saturday.
Prefer your pre-season Heisman candidate bust to play offensive football? Turn to…
Houston at Louisville, ESPNU, 6
Teddy Bridgewater’s Heisman campaign has bogged down in the in the AAC. But that’s what the AAC does to you; it drains you of your perspective and will to live. Perhaps that’s just me but I doubt it.
Focus on Deontay Greenberry then turn it to…
Texas Tech vs. Baylor in Arlington, Texas, Fox, 6
Oh Kliff, your team is in the middle of a three game losing streak and now Art and his squad of mercenaries is sniffing around. Tech’s defense is banged up which is probably not a big deal since it’s not like Baylor’s offense is incredibly explosive or anything. That’s sarcasm kids. Baylor may get to 60 at JerryWorld on Saturday. Then they’ll pull their starters for the second half. See what I did there?
Would you like another mismatch? Great, you’ll find it here…
Alabama at Mississippi State, ESPN, 6:45
Oh Lordy Dan Mullen, this could be a program defining win for the ‘Dogs, but, then again it’s Alabama and no one, I mean NO ONE gets a program defining win against Nick Saban. Les Miles got a program defining win a few years ago, Saban has been strangling Les’ soul ever since. It’s not worth it Dan. Just let nature take its course.
Bama gonna Bama, once they do flip it to…
Stanford at Southern California, ABC, 7
Putting in a call for Yaw Yaw Yaw against Stanford. Stanford may drive Yaw Yaw to rip off his shirt and wrastle a rhino. That’s known as a soft Tuesday in Yaw Yaw’s house.
Syracuse at Florida State
The state of Vermont once again brings you our Woodshed Game of the Week. Speaking of games, do you like canasta? If so you’ll love Vermont. Right about now it’s so cold up there that canasta is a varsity sport.
This week’s WGotW features Syrexcuse (see what I did there) traveling to Tallahassee to take on the Criminoles. Yes that joke is aimed at Jameis Winston. Yes it is too soon to aim that joke at Jameis Winston. Who’s got two thumbs and ain’t giving a shit? This guy. Never mind allegations of sexual assault against Famous Jameis, thar’s national championships in them thar hills and Florida State would employ the D-Block of San Quinton to win another one.
Purdue at Penn State
Our Pillow Fight of the Week features the Boilermakers and Nittany Lions playing it out in Happy Valley. You know who won’t be happy in the valley? Anyone who paid full ticket price for this one. Purdue’s punter has played more snaps than their quarterback this season. He’s got worse dead leg than Colonel Sanders right about now. Penn State is finally feeling the effects of the NCAA’s wrath. White running backs!
We leave you with college kids breaking stuff.