We survived a cardiac week 12, if by survive you mean we laid on the couch and cried out for someone to refill the chip bowl and top of our Mountain Dew Code Red. I’d like to see Bear Grylls and his camera crew survive that. Escape from Hell? Try escaping from all household responsibilities and social engagements. Good luck with that Bear. Week 13 summons us.
All time TEXICAN! Yeehaw.
Try and squeeze as much living into Thursday and Friday because those slates are awful unless you think Rutgers, UAB, Air Force, San Jose State, or UNLV are at all worth your time. Newsflash: They aren’t.
Cincinnati at Houston, ESPNews, 11 a.m.
The 11 a.m. slate of games is AWFUL. We had to pick a few so you could justifiably skip your kids Fun Fair Positive Soccer game. Cincy and Houston are playing. For some reason. In the same conference. Hey, you could have been stuck with Michigan State/Northwestern. Instead just plan on tuning into the last 2 minutes of that one to see how Northwestern has their hearts pulled from their chest this week. Tubby returns to Texas where he was last seen crawling out of the men’s bathroom window of a steakhouse in Lubbock, but hey Cincy recruits, I’m sure that was a one time deal and not a damning character flaw.
One of these teams will be eliminated from AAC contention entirely. Don’t hang around to find out who, just switch over to…
Oklahoma at Kansas State, Fox Sports 1, 11 a.m.
Angry Bob Stoops vs. Wizard Bill. If this were 2004 we might have something, as it is 2013, this is the game to determine who has to play in the Pin Stripe Bowl. If I’m coaching either team that’s my entire pre-game speech: “You want to go play a football game in Yankee Stadium in December? Me neither, now let’s go out there and show the Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl what we’re made of!” Two two quarterback systems on full display.
Once a Stoops brother goes all Rob Ford (topical) get over to…
Harvard at Yale, NBC Sports Net, 11 a.m.
Harvard and Yale go at it for the 130th time. 130 years of elitist academics playing for the higher ideals of sport. Hip, Hip, Hoorah and some such.
Once the pre-game tailgating scenes are done, switch on over to…
Oregon at Arizona, ABC, 2:30
The Bud is going out on a limb and saying that Rich-Rod and the Wildcats will pull of an upset over the Ducks on Saturday. The Bud is fully aware that betting on the Rich-Rod is the equivalent of letting Lindsay Lohan do our taxes but so be it, we need Nikegon to lose.
After Rich Rod puts on his sombrero get over to…
Texas A&M at LSU, CBS, 2:30
The Bud went to a game in Death Valley in the mid 90’s. It’s a terrifying place. CBS is doing A&M a solid and making this a day game. Giving Cajuns more that 8 hours to tailgate before a football game can be hazardous to a non-Cajuns health and well-being.
Les Miles eats grass. That is all…
Brigham Young at Notre Dame, NBC, 2:30
Holy War! Holy S**t! The Mormons vs. the Catholics. I believe this is how L. Ron Hubbard forecast the end of the world. Even as we speak Tom Cruise is attaching electrodes to various body parts in preparation for our cosmic overlord’s return. That fate of the universe is in your hands Tommy Reese, just like the plot of Ender’s Game.
Can’t decide which religious sect to sign up for? Live free and turn it to…
California at Stanford, Fox Sports 1, 3
Harvard/Yale and Cal/Stanford in one weekend! What is a cultural elite to do? Just rely on your instincts, which will probably guide you to an overpriced coffee barista and the New York Times crossword. Otherwise known as Tuesday for you.
This play happened in this game.
Arizona State at UCLA, Fox, 6
The Sun Devils and the Bruins play it out for PAC 12 South Division supremacy. The winner gets Oregon in what will be a sparsely attended conference title game. Pac 12 Magic!
After Todd Graham gets back from dropping of his application for the USC job, head on over to…
Missouri at Mississippi, ESPN, 6:45
Steve Spurrier is such an Ole Miss fan right now he’s currently trolling the Grove with a 9-iron in one hand and a Coors Banquet Beer in the other. Yes, his shirt is off. Yes, it’s best if you just let him play through.
GARY PINKEL’S INTENSITY IS NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH! Turn it on over and watch…
Baylor at Oklahoma State, ABC, 7
Our HAMMER FIGHT OF THE WEEK, the weekly “hey let’s settle this with sledge hammer/pick axe hybrids” a la Streets of Fire is for Big 12 and National Supremacy.
Why does it matter? I mean, did you not read that this is for Big 12 and National Supremacy a second ago? Boone Pickens, the Oklahoma State moneyman, has invested a fortune in wind energy. Art Briles don’t care about no wind, he’s here to burn this mother DOWN! The only alternative energy Baylor invests in is the power of the Holy Spirit! And electric cars. Oh, and corn based ethanol. Plus solar panels. Whatever.
We can’t bet against Man-Child Bryce Petty, so we’ll have to take the Bears to win and get us to 11-2 in our FTotW picks.
Stick on this for a while or at least until the Bears 4th string slot receiver makes an insanely athletic touchdown, then go to…
Kansas at Iowa State, Fox Sports 1, 7
This is not so much a can’t miss game as a “wait…what?” game. ESPN is pummeling FS1 in the ratings; but don’t worry, I’m sure this classic Kansas-Iowa State matchup will push FS1 over the top. Kansas by the way is 3-7, we point this out not to mock the Jayhawks, but rather to ask, “where did Kansas trip over 3 wins this season?” Seriously, where? Are we counting the Spring Game?
Illinois at Purdue, BTN, 11 a.m.
Our Pillow Fight of the Week is another Big 10 tilt between Come on Feel the Illinois and PurDon’t. See what I did there. Illinois coaches almost came to blows on Saturday on the sidelines during the Ohio State game. It was the most contact an Illinois football player or coach has taken part in all season. If the Bud had to watch Illinois play each week we’d be fighting to escape as well.
Idaho at Florida State, ESPNU, 2:30
The State of Vermont, with the most woodsheds in existence per capita – Suck It New Hampshire, brings you the Woodshed Game of the Week. Speaking of New Hampshire, you know what’s interesting about the Granite State? Nothing. There’s a reason Walter White went there to hide from law enforcement.
Florida State’s end of season schedule is about as challenging as Florida State’s beginning of season schedule. Let’s remember that Idaho got kicked out of a conference when the WAC crumbled, then flirted with dropping down to the FCS before the Sun Belt took pity and let the Vandals in. I’m not sure what Florida State’s record is against former WAC/Big Sky/current Independent/future Sun Belt members is, but it will improve on Saturday.
We leave you with Iowa State/Oklahoma targeting and an ejection.