Rivalry week is here, the last week of real football before Conference Championship Weekend! Do you have a rival? Maybe the pizza guy who gives you that attitude when he’s dropping off the second stuffed crust of the day. It might be Mastadon315 who keeps dominating you in online Call of Duty. Maybe your rival is the old you, the one who was in shape, had dreams, and ambition. We hate that guy.
That guy would have never made it to Week 14. Keep telling yourself that.
All times Texas.
Texas Tech at Texas, Fox Sports 1, 6:30
Kids there was a time when Thanksgiving was an official State holiday because UT and A&M waged a rather one sided war Thanksgiving night. Now, because the two teams are in different conferences (more on that bullshit later) they can’t/won’t play. Congrats A&M, you get Missouri. Oh and Texas, Dreamy Kliff is coming to Austin to take your women. Is this Mack’s last home game? Is Nick Saban driving around Austin in a ReMax van? Tune in to find out.
Refill the cranberry sauce and head over to…
Mississippi at Mississippi State, ESPN, 7
The Egg Bowl, aka Dan Mullins’ plea to escape Mississippi, happens Thanksgiving night. Mississippi State has worn more helmets than games they’ve won. So there’s that. Sock Tan bids a bitter sweet farewell to Dr. Bo Wallace, bitter because Bo’s leaving for a gig on General Hospital. Sweet because Dr. Bo’s been a better fictional TV doctor than an SEC quarterback this season.
Iowa at Nebraska, ABC, 11 a.m.
Nebraska and OU used to be rivalry game as well kids. Then the super-conference model went and ruined it for everyone! They replaced it with Iowa and Nebraska. Two hearty people groups sending out large corn fed men to go belly to belly on each other. The Bud misses Tom Osborne and Barry Switzer trying to out triple option each other.
The wife should be out spending your minimum wage paycheck on black Friday deals. Console yourself with…
Southern Methodist at Houston, ESPN2, 11 a.m.
A Southwest Roundup showdown in the American Athletic Conference! Finally the Mustangs and Cougs play a team they are familiar with and one that’s not based in Storrs, Connecticut or Piscataway, New Jersey.
Garrett Gilbert is out…wait…that’s Neal “Real Deal” Burcham’s music! Good golly Joe Friday June Jones is bringing in “Real Deal” Burcham!
Don’t linger long here…
Arkansas at LSU, CBS, 1:30
Brett Bielema’s photogenic and twitter smack talking wife has to be a stand by her man woman right now. Jen twitter trolled Brett's old school after Wisconsin lost to Arizona State on a controversial refereeing decision. Karma appears to be a double edged sword their Jen.
Brett has succeeded in beefing with almost every coach in the SEC. In other words he’s fit right in. The Hogs are 0-fer in the SEC. All this has made Brett red…well, kind of all over actually.
Washington State at Washington, Fox, 2:30
Apple Cup! Pirate vs. Sark! Cougar vs. Huskie! Leach’s AD at Wazzou keeps a record of fans that have written emails criticizing the Cougs and is banning them from bowl game tickets. What, no trip to the Gilden New Mexico Bowl? Guess I won’t be able to mark that off the bucket list.
Want more Pac 12 madness? Get it to…
Oregon State at Oregon, Fox Sports 1, 6
Another Pacific Northwest Rivalry Game, this one is called the Civil War! The Ducks season has tanked about as bad as the Grown Ups 2. I feel bad for making that analogy. I’m sure Kevin James, Adam Sandler, and David Spade knocked that out of the park. I’ll wait for it on Netflix.
Ohio State at Michigan, ABC, 11 a.m.
Let’s all say a big prayer for the Maze and Blue that they might be able finally put Ohio State’s national title hopes on ice. Don’t get me wrong, I love that the Buckeyes have won 20 something straight, it’s just that the Big 10 has been rather MACish in recent years. Ohio State’s football accomplishments this year are similar to when we let the kids play scrabble they feel great about spelling out bat and hat but eventually the grown ups start crushing them with triple word scores.
Hail to the Victors Valiant and some such. Get over to…
Florida State at Florida, ESPN, 11 a.m.
Guys, Florida and FSU play in a rivalry game and they aren’t even in the same conference! How is that even possible? I know what you’re saying, “but Bud, Florida just lost to Georgia Southern, how will they ever compete with the ‘Noles?” Come on people, Will Muschamp was holding some magic back against Georgia Southern, lying in the weeds, sneaking up on Florida State. You’re a genius Will, they’ll never see it coming.
Once Florida stops blocking itself head on over to…
Kansas State at Kansas, Fox Sports 1, 11 a.m.
Apparently they call this the “Sunflower State Battle” the annual curb stomping that K-State lays on Kansas. Wizard Bill gets what could be his last shot at Charlie Weiss. Charlie’s gonna pull out all the stops on Saturday, fake punts, forward passes, quarterback sneaks, ill-timed fumbles, random time-outs; you know, really open up the playbook.
After Charlie flashes some of that Notre Dame money, get to…
Georgia at Georgia Tech, ABC, 2:30
This one is just called “Good Old Fashioned Hate” an apt name considering Paul Johnson is involved. Aaron Murray is out with a knee injury. Georgia’s injuries problem has made the bubonic plague look like a few isolated cases of the Tijuana Two-Step.
Paul Johnson will run the option to earn your respect. Flip on over too…
Baylor at TCU, ESPN2, 2:30
Can I just suggest that this one be referred to by its proper moniker, “the Baptists against the Christians.” I think that title works on multiple levels.
Baylor rebounds big and once they do, you fire over to…
Purdue at Indiana, BTN, 2:30
Our Pillow Fight of the Week! The Big 10 Network must be so enthused to bring you this action packed intrastate dual. This game won’t win the ratings battle in Indiana. This won’t win the ratings battle among friends and relatives of Purdue and Indiana players. If this game were played in my backyard I’d close the blinds.
Just don’t. Please don’t. Go straight to…
Alabama at Auburn, CBS, 2:30
Our HAMMER FIGHT OF THE WEEK! You know what’s great about Streets of Fire? Sorry, I don’t have the time to answer that question. Let me just say this, in a movie that ends with a hammer fight, there are about 28 action packed moments that happen first so that when the actual hammer fight starts, you’re like, “of course there’s a hammer fight!”
Why does it matter? It’s the Doggone Iron Bowl! Winner keeps their BCS title hopes alive so long as Ohio State keeps on tripping over dead corpses in the Big 10. The State of Alabama doesn’t have enough textbooks to educate its youth. This is by design because who needs educatin’ when you’ve got footballin’ a going on. Once football is outlawed due to head injuries and the emasculation of ‘Merica there will be an underground Iron Bowl played every year in Alabama in a literal Iron Bowl.
We’ll take ‘Bama to get us back on track after Baylor let us down last week.
Clemson at South Carolina, ESPN2, 6
What’s this? Another intrastate rivalry game played between teams in different leagues? Can’t be. No way. By the by, Steve Spurrier and Dabo Sweeny HATE EACH OTHER. Oh, they’ll play nice, but Steve is physically unable to hold a press conference without verbally kicking good old Dabo square in the junk.
After the halftime ceremony remembering Jadaveon Clowney’s failed Heisman campaign, turn to…
Texas A&M at Missouri, ESPN, 6:45
So…A&M won’t/can’t play Texas because of that Missouri war that happens every year (since 2012). I’m not Rick Perry hater, I mean, I can’t name three government agencies most days, but Rick, your gubernatorial stint has been a total failure if you can’t orchestrate the two largest universities in your state playing each other on Thanksgiving. Forget education, energy, jobs, crime, focus the rest of your term on making this happen.
Say goodnight to Johnny Football kids. He’ll be in the CFL soon enough. Go ahead to…
UCLA at Southern California, ABC, 7
Ed Yaw Yaw Yaw Orgeron’s campaign to force USC to hire him full time and thereby cripple the program for at least five years is in full effect. Now the piece de resistance, beating Jim Mora and those cross-town rivals from…well I guess across town. Godspeed Ed. The 2014 wheels off train wreck will write itself.
New Mexico at Boise State
Our Vermont Woodshed Game of the Week puts a bow on New Mexico’s season. Speaking of seasons, Vermont is Winter’s Playground. That’s just a really well thought out spin on the death weather that we experience nine months out of the year. Come and see for yourself, but bundle up because “death weather” is NOT a spin phrase.
Bob Davie wishes he could go back to the television booth. He’d rather broadcast this game than coach it. Folks it’s cold in Boise right about now and the Lobos cashed in their chips a few weeks ago. Blue turf and bad dreams await the Lobos.
We leave you with a tip drill.