You’ve made it through the regular season. Regardless of how the bowls go, no one can take this away from you. It’s not like anyone wants to, I mean it comes with a foul odor and I don’t know where anyone would put it, so it’s yours. Enjoy.
All times Texas.
MAC title game in Detroit: Northern Illinois vs. Bowling Green, ESPN2, 7
MACTION! The Bud fully supports Jordan Lynch’s Heisman campaign in the same way we fully support any of our friends approaching attractive girls and asking them out. She might say yes, but even if she doesn’t the rejection is worth the price of admission.
As much as we love the MAC, let’s not invited these guys back to the BCS. Besides, the Motor City Bowl is awesome guys. It’s in Detroit, America’s rusty, abandoned, drug filled playground.
Oklahoma at Oklahoma State, ABC, 11 a.m.
It’s BEDLAM! To our Native American friends, hold on to your property, the Sooners and Cowboys are going at it!
Okie State can clinch the Big 12 with a win. If they lose then all eyes turn south to Waco to see if Mack Brown’s prophecy of a UT title will actually come true.
Meanwhile the Stoops brothers have both recovered from spending Thanksgiving fighting over the last turkey leg. They’re ready to prove they can get outcoached in a big game again. You can do it guys. Nobody blows big games like you guys, it’s your spiritual gift.
Conference USA championship: Marshall at Rice, ESPN2, 11 a.m.
The Conference USA title game is in Houston this week. No it’s not in whatever stadium the Cougars are playing in this week, it’s at Rice Stadium. Marshall won the eastern division by winning what I can only assume was a drawing.
Tickets are still available for this one. Like a lot of them. I think the Owls are bummed because they could have made more money by hosting a Katy High School playoff game on Saturday.
Texas at Baylor, Fox, 2:30
They’re closing down Floyd Casey, a stadium with all the charm of a Valero, with an epic Big 12 showdown between the Bears and the Horns. This is as it should be. Baylor is even wearing some sweet throwbacks. Texas is wearing, well they kind of always wear throwbacks.
What are the odds that UT’s regents greet Art Briles with a steamer trunk full of cash as he exits the field? That’s how coaching searches should be conducted, in the open with steamer trunks.
SEC championship in Atlanta: Auburn vs. Missouri, CBS, 3
OUR HAMMER FIGHT OF THE WEEK! Almost done for 2013 giving mad props to Streets of Fire. Once more with feeling!
Why does it matter so much? Auburn went 0-for the SEC in 2012. Missouri came to the 2012 SEC Media talking about how they were going to come in and dominate all this old man football the SEC was playing. They went 2-6.
Fast forward to 2013, Gus Malzahn sold his wife’s soul to the devil for a miracle Auburn season and Gary Pinkel hocked whatever he had left in the garage for the same at Missouri. Is Auburn still hung over from their Bama win? Is Gary Pinkel just hung over? Both safe bets.
Pac-12 championship: Stanford at Arizona State, ESPN, 6:45
Stanford travels to Arizona State for the Pac 12 title game and a trip to the Rose Bowl, the real one, not the BCS championship one. It’s confusing. Mario Grice is out for Arizona State, Devils coach Todd Graham may be out as he stalks Washington’s athletic director so he can keep is one and done streak alive.
God speed Todd Graham, you’re close to becoming the Chucky Brown of college coaching.
ACC championship in Charlotte: Florida State vs. Duke, ABC, 7
David Cutcliff should be given the coach of the year award for the next 10 years for what he’s done at Duke. That’s great and all but his team will lose by 40 to the Criminoles on Saturday night. Florida State is almost guaranteed a BCS title slot. So much for, you know, scheduling and playing good teams and stuff.
The fun part of the ACC title game is seeing how many empty seats there are in stadium. I’m gonna go ahead and bet that the upper deck will look like a scene out of the Walking Dead, a few real people huddled in small groups, hoarding food and beverages.
Here’s a thought, play the ACC title game as the first game of a double header with the SEC title game as the nightcap. At least then you’ll have several thousand SEC fans who’ll show up just for the tauntin’.
Big Ten championship in Indianapolis: Ohio State vs. Michigan State, Fox, 7
Honorary SEC member Michigan State takes on Ohio State. Let’s be honest, the entire country wants to see the Spartans win. It got chippy with Ohio State against Michigan last week, players left the bench, punches were thrown, ejections happened. It’s a good thing Urban Meyer is such a disciplinarian, he’s making those guys play this week. That’ll teach ‘em Urban.
State coach Mark Dantonio is unaffected by Christmas cheer. He’s actually thought to be a major plotline in Elf 2.
Mountain West championship: Utah State at Fresno State, CBS, 9
Ok, raise your hand if you knew the Mountain West had a conference championship game. Bonus points, raise your hand if you knew who was playing in it. Derek Carr will try to cement his trip to New York to watch Jameis Winston win the Heisman. Blow out that mini bar while you’re there Derek.
We leave you with Iron Bowlarama.