When I was in Junior High I vaguely remember reading this book called The Metamorphosis. If you haven’t read it, it’s a story about a traveling salesman that turns into a big bug. It is gripping. The book is filled with many many obscure literary techniques that shaped much of early 20th century literature. I was drawn to it because it’s about this dude who turns into a roach. I recently found out that fiction means that the story is made up and, though awesome, the story of The Metamorphosis never actually happened. But, can you imagine if it did?
Well I no longer am required to imagine a human metamorphosis. I am currently in the process of witnessing one. My wife (god bless her) is pregnant with our second child. What I know about the process of pregnancy can be summed up in a few short phrases and the majority of them are off color. However, the gist is that a little human is growing somewhere on the inside of my wife. A human growing inside of human is the closest thing that I have seen (to date) to an actual metamorphosis.
My wife and I enjoy food. One of the reasons I was attracted to her in the early years of dating was her willingness to “go for it” at restaurants. One particular group date stands out in my memory because all of the other girls in the group order salads or something to the equivalent. My date matched my order of chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes and extra gravy. As we cut into the fried batter and stared into each other’s eyes I knew that I had found someone that I could share my meals life with. It was also evident to me, and my male counterparts at table, that I had brought a woman to this party and they brought girls.
Now that my wife is pregnant her passion for food has taken on new meaning. “I’m getting hungry” Is a phrase that she no longer uses. She goes from satiated to famished in a matter of seconds. This can make for a stressful environment. It’s the equivalent of someone living with you that could, at any moment, spontaneously combust into flames.
The term “busy body” does not begin to describe my wife’s activity level. One of her favorite things to do is to reorganize the kitchen. I’ve never met anyone that likes to reorganize anything. If something is organized what is the point of reorganizing it. People don’t re-exercise or re-brush their teeth. It is literally something an evil stepmother might make a princess do in a fairytale.
Pregnant wife has no energy. She often gets tired thinking about what we are going to eat for dinner. This baby may or may not be sucking the life out of her. I would be concerned but she has chosen to fill her time with laying on the couch and watching TV. Since that is also the way I like to spend my free time, our marriage has never been stronger. Gone are the days of feeling guilty for falling asleep on the couch while my wife is changing the oil in my truck.
My wife is very little. She lies and tells the DMV that she is 5’2”. If you are lying bout your height, and your lie brings your height all the way up to 5’2” then there is something wrong. If anything, you should lie the other way. I think that you get some manner of “little person” tax relief if you are 4’8” or under. Anyways, if your body starts to change when you are short then it is more noticeable than if you are tall. This is not an observation but rather something that my wife has told me. The deal with being pregnant is if you decide to eat an extra celery stick with your lunch then you can from looking 6 weeks pregnant to someone looking for a big tub to use for the waterbirth delivery thats about to happen.
This state of pregnancy can wreak havoc on a girls wardrobe. My wife is excited about being pregnant and the beautiful bundle of joy that will be joining our family in the next several months but she doesn’t want her clothes to show it. Actually, she wants her clothes to accurately depict the correct moment of her gestational age. I have no idea what a woman that is 16 weeks pregnant compared to a woman that is 19 weeks pregnant should look like. Much less, how her shirt should rest on her shoulders. However, if I let on that I am “not sure” or “unclear” or (God forbid) “don’t care” about these details then I have become the most unsupportive man to ever reproduce. The reality is that I know exactly how it feels to never know if your pants are going to fit in the morning. I wake up with a 60%/40% chance that things won’t be working out for me in that department too. At least for her, this is only a nine month deal.
So what is she becoming you may ask? By definition a metamorphosis is the act of one living being becoming something completely different (that’s not at all the definition). I have discovered through witnessing my pregnant wifes appetite, energy level and body change that she is rapidly becoming a version of me ... only less irritable.