Gear Head: Tennesse's Alternates. #smh

Tennessee went and did it ya'll they all grayed-out on us.

Video Edit...do kids like that music? It makes me want Skittles and Mountain Dew. Well, I guess I've answered my own question. So when they shoot these do they just tell the model to dance and fondle his chest? Cause that's all he does.  

 

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STRETCH MARK EPIDEMIC!

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Attention Adidas affiliated teams. YOU ALL GET STRETCH MARKS. What's that? You don't like stretch marks? BAM you get more stretch marks. Adidas will tell us that these are 40% more absorbent and 99% more breathable and 149% less flexony or something. I don't care. It looks like crap and it's just the Adidas logo repeated. If Nike did this...ok wait, sorry I said anything. Nike please don't put swooshes all over your jerseys. Please. For the children.

 

They Call It Smokey

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I see you coming Tennessee. You can get away with a non-traditional school color because your mascot is named Smokey and you're near the Smokey Mountains. Clever. Still not a school color. The Gear Head does not approve.

Remember when Lane Kiffin busted out black jerseys? That guy quit on you guys after one season, after he talk crap to Florida and after he committed minor recruiting violations on camera, in front of the leering press.  

Those uniforms were bad. These aren't much better.

There was a better time Tennessee.

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That's Tony Robinson from a 1985 Sports Illustrated. Look at those colors! Kids, that fabric is called mesh. It was a low tech uniform fabric that used to comprise almost all uniforms. You'll never see mesh again unless it's on a trucker hat that some hipster is wearing. That's also AstroTurf he's running on. I can't think of a scenario where you'll ever see that again. Maybe as a grass substitute on a model train set-up but I doubt it. You also won't ever know what it's like to see the exposed jersey mid-drift or the neck roll tucked under the jersey. It's like when my dad explained to me that I'd probably never see a leather helmet again or white running backs.

That's a beautiful jersey though, and a beautiful color scheme. No need to mess with that Tennessee. Or so one would think. I guess someone at Adidas looked at that and said "Hey lets make that gray, with stretch marks and super tight!" Then that guy looked for a high-five from one of his cohorts who gladly gave that high-five and they all pounded a Red Bull.

I'm almost positive that's how these decisions are made. 

 

Death to Tight Jerseys

While we're on the subject matter. The tight jersey is awful. Yes I know, apparently we need tighter jerseys so that we can compete and run fast and jump high and what not, but wow, we're a few steps away from surgically inserting pads under the skin and shaving numbers in our chest and back hair.

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The tight jersey is here and for the husky guys on the team there is no dignity.  

Here's Tyler Bray and last years non-stretch marky jersey. Can you tell where the jersey starts and where the under shirt ends? Jersey sleeves are gone gentlemen. Replaced with arm-pit hair.  

 

 

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Think these two Vol fans could get themselves into one of those jerseys? That poor lady's hair would keep her from getting an arm in. Buster and Lulu will never purchase an authentic Volunteer jersey. Especially not one with stretch marks sewn INTO the jersey.  

Think of your fans Tennessee! We're fatter than ever and you keep making these jerseys skinnier and more revealing. Something has to give!

 

 

Posted on August 15, 2013 and filed under Sports.