We're three weeks in and your wife is loving the new you! You spent last Saturday on the couch in your underwear except for a brief respite drive to the Circle K because the Mountain Dew Code Red ain't gettin' itself. You're the man she fell in love with minus grooming, ambition, and verbal abilities. Now have a red bull or two and experience your full potential, the weekend is up in here.
We are here to help. All times local.
TCU at Texas Tech, ESPN, 6:30
We start with a dandy, his royal hotness Kliff Kingsbury against Old Blood in the Eye Gary Patterson to kick off Big 12 play. Yo ho mateys, the pirate ship be afloat or some such. An old fashioned Southwest Conference throwback, just the way a football weekend should start.
Will Tech continue its hot start after wins against SMU and SFA? No one runs through that gauntlet unblemished. Guess what? Tech did. Where's the top 25 love from the leering press? Baylor's number 23 after playing Wofford and Buffalo. After they beat Ms. Turnbottom's 4th grade homeroom this weekend the Bears will probably be in the BCS hunt.
TCU lost their quarterback and struggled with Southeast Louisiana!
Something's gotta give.
After your wife books her flight to Lubbock to start stalking Kliff's house turn it over to...
Troy at Arkansas State, ESPNU, 6:30
BONUS THURSDAY ACTION! It's like happy hour then finding two quarters in the cushions of your car. Win, win, win! No defense allowed here, this one's for the Belt. Arkansas State got penalized for not wearing a contrasting uniform last week. Seems like this could have been easily avoided, you know, by wearing a contrasting colored jersey.
So does the coach have to do up downs for that penalty?
Air Force at Boise State, ESPN, 7
The blue turf is back. I think all turf should be green. Otherwise we have to deal with this.
Boise will now enter the portion of their schedule where they will beat everyone and we will now enter the portion of our season where we try to convince ourselves that it somehow matters.
UCLA at Nebraska, ABC, 11
Will Coach Pelini strangle a newsman? Will Coach Mora assault a reporter? The post game pressers could be more physical than the actual game.
Taylor Martinez has a throwing motion that should motivate fathers everywhere, regardless of age, to go have a catch in the backyard with their kid if for no other reason than "please God, don't throw like Taylor Martinez."
MY EYES, MY EYES!
Tulsa at Oklahoma, ESPN2, 11
The two Oklahoma schools without a damning SI mini series tee it up at 11 on the Deuce. The Belldozer is gassed up and ready to do whatever it is the Belldozer does, mostly just carry Tulsa players through Norman, up to Ponca City and hurl them into Kansas.
Once you've gotten all Stoopsed out, flick it over to...
Tennessee at Oregon, ABC, 2:30
Oregon is inventing new ways to destroy the hearts and minds of their opponents. This week Nike has outfitted the Ducks in minotaur costumes and tridents. Good luck with that Tennessee.
After Oregon's third costume change, grab the remote and let your fingers do the walking to...
Alabama at Texas A&M, CBS, 2:30
OK, say it with me...OUR HAMMER FIGHT OF THE WEEK!
Our weekly tribute to Willem Defoe and Michael Pare's iconic scene in Streets of Fire. Is that the only iconic scene? How dare you.
Why does it matter? Are you kidding me? Why did I ask such a redundant question. Nick Saban has been torturing himself like that albino guy in Da Vinci Code getting ready for this. Paul Finebaum may come off the bench to tackle Johnny Football. PAUUUWWWWLLLLLLLLLLL! Johnny's 'bout to be late for the start of the 3rd because Uncle Nate gots him an autograph session scheduled for 4:30 at the La Quinta on University. Based on Saban's press conference today there are several Alabama beat writers who are about to get audited, seized, and removed from Alabama. You don't ask Nick probing questions you noobs!
The Bud is 1-1 in Hammer Fights. Ok, not actual Hammer Fights, if you lose one of those, you probably won't be keen on fighting in another one. The Bud's Hammer Fight Picks are 1-1. We'll take 'Bama to get back above .500.
After Johnny's third personal foul get yourself over to...
Iowa at Iowa State, Fox Sports 1, 5
This one settles the score in Iowa once and for all. Take the under in this one. Even if the under is single digits, take the under. Even if the under would involve neither team scoring, somehow this game will hit under that. I haven't worked out how that could happen, but it will. But hey it's the BATTLE FOR IOWA folks hold your loved ones and pray for daylight!
Mississippi at Texas, Longhorn, 7
I hesitate to put this on, because I know that NO ONE gets the Longhorn Network but it's too good to pass up - Mack Brown on the hot seat, Greg Robinson puts down his real estate license and picks up his clip board, Hugh "Sock Tan" Freeze comes to evangelize Austin. Anyone have the Longhorn Network who wants to nut up and invite us all over? Anyone...anyone?
Tired of watching missed tackles? Kick it over to...
Oregon State at Utah, Fox Sports 1, 9
The Beavers get after a Ute. If I googled this I'd need to make sure my wife was out of the house.
This one's on FS1 which means at halftime Mike Pereira will attempt to contribute something, anything of value on TV. Tune it for that.
We leave you with Devin Gardner - Ball Chucker.