Apparently it's now constitutionally required that all colleges put out something they actually refer to as a "hype video."
I would prefer that all colleges have a designated Hype Man. A guy who's only job, above going to class or anything else, is to walk in front of the team with a bullhorn, spitting knowledge. He'd have to be able to throw out some adult language in the process. Absolutely have to. Instead of investing in a coed cheer squad universities should just invest, I mean fully invest, in a hype man. Get him some sort of all-terrain vehicle or H3 and let that man loose.
Until that day comes we're left with these videos.
So what makes a great hype video? Glad you asked. Three components:
1) A kicking rap/rock soundtrack. I can't overestimate the importance of this element. Tell me a story through non-stop ear worms and random sound effects. Mash-ups are now preferred. We give bonus points for the use of campy 80's rock. We are dumb, we admit that.
2) Some Michael Bay type shit. I'm talking about slow-mo, clouds rolling, epic struggle type shit. Think of a transformers scene not involving Shia Labeouf. These aren't thinking man videos, no, they are geared for ADHD level skittle eaters who like stuff that's "bad-ass." Sell me the sizzle, not the steak.
3) Baghdad Bob level propaganda. The NFL puts out a team highlight film at the end of each season. The job of the team highlight film from the NFL's perspective is to totally distort history and sell tickets. As a kid I would watch the Tampa Bay Buccaneers film every year to see how they spun a 2-14 season. After 30 minutes not only was I convinced that the 1980's Bucs were a player away from the Super Bowl but for some reason, even though I lived in Texas, I wanted to buy a mezzanine level package.
Let's take a look at a few Southland offerings.
We'll start with ACU.
- Serious question: Is Les Miles narrating this? It sounds a lot like Les Miles, though he doesn't say nearly enough crazy shit. I swore I heard him chewing on grass at one point. I need an answer.
- Why does it look grainy? I know the budgets aren't huge for these "films" but come on now, you're only filling a minute and half of content here.
- The strings on the soundtrack are nice and frenetic. If you're doing strings they'd better be frenetic.
- :37 There's a shot with literally no crowd in the background. That's a home game, you're big time ACU, green screen some shirtless dudes or something in there. Otherwise you seem to be hyping ticket availability.
- 1:27 The old "foghorn with logo doing the Ken Burns effect" move. There are 5th graders in Abilene who thought that was bush league.
- Wow, that effect only gets worse. Wow.
- 1:36 If you can get over the awful Ken Burns logo foghorn bit, there's clearly helmet to helmet contact. I hope that was flagged.
The Bud give it a 68 out of a possible 127. Our grading metric is so complicated we've outsourced it twice.
How about Lamar? What are the Cardinals working with?
- First four seconds, awkward coach shot. This looks promising.
- :15 I'm not sure what music this is but I swear I heard an R2 unit just now.
- The music isn't doing much for me. I've heard droid talk and a snippet of Gregorian chant. This was all synthesized on a Keytar.
- :51 We've got a slow twitch white guy breaking down the sidelines! He's at the 40, the 42, the 43, the 46, the 47...
- :55 Let's bring in the girls choir. We weren't trapped in the 90's near enough.
- 1:00 FULL ON BRADY BUNCH EFFECT!
- Actually that expands way beyond the Brady Bunch. It's as though the Duggar dad remarried a chick with her own bus load of kids.
- Not to be critical here, but lots of poor tackling. Like a lot.
- 1:47 No idea what going on. Apparently we're just hitting effects buttons on our IMac.
I hate to say it but Lamar's video makes ACU's look amazing.
The Bud's score: 18 out of a possible 58. We're just picking numbers now. Don't judge.
How about Southeastern Louisiana?
- The first few seconds show a scene that is quintessential Louisiana, highway traffic. Oh, I smell the gumbo now!
- "There is only 1 Hammond America." Not sure what to do with that. I guess I'll nod and agree? He's technically wrong, but somehow right at the same time. You've blown my mind Southeastern, without even trying.
- :18 We've got our first "this is our house!" statement. You aren't winning for best original screenplay my man.
- :27 BIRDS ARE FLYING ABOVE THE TREE CANOPY! There's a predator afoot!
- :32 Well I'll tell you which Hype Video my kids would vote for, anytime you throw an Instagram Lord Kelvin effect on a lion you've won over the 4 year-olds.
- The music hear is off-brand, middle-of-the-mall M&M. I love it. I'm going to dig up an over-sized white t-shirt and some jorts.
- :50 Slow-mo lion. Bonus points. If he was chasing a gazelle or zebra we'd score this higher.
- They really went all in on the Nat Geo lion footage. Excellent work here.
- 1:20 Nice use of the homer play by play guy. There's no way you don't employ a homer play by play guy if your Southeastern Louisiana.
The Bud gives that four stars and three quadrangles. Decode that!