Planning Your Football Weekend: November 14, 2015

Three weeks left until conference championships and what not. Nothing much going on Thursday or Friday. We say that, but come April we'll kill for a 3-6 Georgia Tech vs. 4-5 Virginia Tech matchup. For now, we'll pass. 

The bi-district round of the Texas high school playoffs kick off this week. Take in a game. Have a sausage wrap and get ready, because Saturday is coming. 

All times Texas. 

Saturday Nov. 14

Texas at West Virginia, 11 a.m., ESPNU

If we're reading the astrological signs correctly Texas is due for another "wow this team sucks" performance. A game against a non-Kansas or Stoops led team on the road? Yep, prepare for the "Is Charlie Strong the right guy?" think pieces. 

Kansas at TCU, 11 a.m., FS1

Not so much a must watch as it is a cautionary tale. Lost in all this backloaded Big 12 scheduling is Kansas. These games are clear mental and physical abuse of the Jayhawks played out on a National stage. Be strong Kansas. There is hope, but you need to get out now, go find a safe place to stay, like the Missouri Valley Conference, so you can move on with your life. 

Ohio State at Illinois, 11 a.m., ABC

Which brings us to a new segment on PYFW, the "Jack Burton Shake the Pillars of Heaven Game-o-the-Week." We're working on the title. 

Have you seen Big Trouble in Little China? Of course you haven't. You've been stuck your whole life watching Paul Thomas Anderson and Judd Apatow make dramadies and not edit films. Big Trouble in Little China is an enlightened work about Jack Burton, a truck driver, who teams up with a band of Chinatown misfits to take down the literal Chinese underworld. Kurt Russell plays the aforementioned Jack Burton. The movie industry loves to kill unicorns so they're remaking BTiLC with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson playing the role of Jack Burton. Totally unnecessary, borderline criminal.

If, somewhere, somehow, the Round-up senses an upset that will shake the foundations of college football, we'll tag it with the "Jack Burton Shake the Pillars of Heaven Game-o-the-Week."

Again, we're working on the title. 

Putting in the call right now: Illinois wins this game. Boom. Suck on that Urban Meyer. The Round-up will drive from Texas to Champaign, rush the field, and give T.J. Barrett a ride home. Somewhere Tim Beckman is sitting in a dark room torturing cats with a rye smile on his toothy face. 

Get ready to shake the pillars Wang. 

Wake Forest at Notre Dame, 2:30 p.m., NBC

Brian Kelly wants an 8 team playoff format for college football. That's great Brian. You know what we want? We want you to stop attacking assistant coaches on the sideline. Can we start there?

My favorite part of that video is Brian Vangorder's complete and total ignoring of the situation. That and Vangorder's puffy jacket. 

Alabama at Mississippi St., 2:30 p.m., CBS

Nick Saban must go to bed each night laughing at how the rest of the country despises his program and how it survives as a playoff contender week to week. This assumes that Nick Saban sleeps or experiences human emotion. 

Nebraska at Rutgers, 2:30 p.m., BTN

Again, not a watchable game, but we'd like to point out that despite history, geography or reason, this is a Big 10 Conference game. 

Yep. 

Yep. 

Memphis at Houston, 6 p.m., ESPN2

Morgan Freeman's character "Red" said it best in Shawshank Redemption "Hope is a dangerous thing, it can drive a man insane." You had hope Memphis, you were living the dream, then the Navy D-Day'd your whole grand plan. The dream is over.

All you can do now is take Houston's hope. Stare them right in the eye and take it from them. You won't feel any better; but you know now that the world isn't made for feeling good. It isn't made for hope. 

Also both of these coaches will have new zip codes in January. Otherwise have a great time Saturday night. 

Arkansas at LSU, 6:15 p.m., ESPN

Go time for the Bert. 

Go time for the Bert. 

Speaking of dream killers, there's Bert. This is the greatest time in the Bert's season, the Lexis December to Remember if you will. Oh sure he's lost to Toledo, Tech, and A&M, but now he gets to hunt big game and perform the football equivalent of an upper decker on their season.  Stand vigilant over your toilets LSU.

Oregon at Stanford, 6:30 p.m., FOX

Oregon is BACK BABY! Or at least as back as one can be after beating up on a bad Cal team. Oregon has feasted on some classic Pac 12 defenses as of late. 

The Pac 12 defense is as elusive a creature as Nessie or Big Foot. Rarely caught on film, rarer still caught making tackles and covering receivers. 

BYU at Missouri, 6:30 p.m., SEC Network

So...and I know this is awkward...why again did Missouri players threaten to go on strike? I'm asking you Gary Pinkel. You mentioned that it was because ya'll were trying to save a young man's life, but this was a hunger strike, right Gary? I mean it wasn't a hostage situation. Now you're saying it was about team unity and you never wanted to get anyone fired, and you certainly didn't mean to tweet out that #concernedstudent150 hashtag. Interesting Gary. And now the grad student who started it all has been caught fibbing about the KKK and national guard. So...anyway...just curious, did you not realize the movement your players was associating with was trying to oust the school president or not? Gary, we asked you a question honey. 

Minnesota at Iowa, 7 p.m., BTN

Meat and potatoes, thick ankled women, a pig trophy and DADGUM UNDEFEATED IOWA HAWKEYE FOOTBALL is all this game is all about. 

The bar is way too high.

The bar is way too high.

By the way, the show Fargo has ruined the states of Minnesota and North Dakota for us. And by ruined we mean totally raised our expectations to the level that they will never be fulfilled. 

 

 

Oklahoma at Baylor, 7 p.m., ABC

Our hammer fight of the week is a Big 12 showdown. 

Gameday is coming to Waco! Just a quick aside, the Waco chamber has assured the Round-up that Waco is 5th in line behind Cleburne, Salado, Poth, and Jarrell to get a real live Chili's restaurant. Chicken crispers for all my men! 

Ahmad has been riding dirty ya'll.

Ahmad has been riding dirty ya'll.

I know the guest picker idea is a big deal, our suggestion is Rand Paul senator from the great, err, pretty ok state of Kentucky. According to his Wikipedia page, he almost graduated from BU. Oh man, he could totally zing the boys with flat tax humor or vaccination talk. Either Rand or Ahmad Dixon who can count his time picking games as part of his community service requirement. 

The Stoops brothers have no idea how to stop Baylor's offense. Technically they have no idea how to stop Tulsa's offense now either. It's like Art Briles is trying to drive little Mike Stoops insane by deploying his minions across the country so they can inflict 500 yard passing performances on the Sooners.

Winner lives to defend their out-of-conference scheduling practices another day, loser gets to play TCU and Oklahoma State for no apparent reason. 

Baylor wins a big one. Can someone ask the playoff committee if this game will count? 

Washington St. at UCLA, 9:45 p.m., ESPN

Sunny California my ass. Give me the subtle comfort of drizzle. 

Sunny California my ass. Give me the subtle comfort of drizzle. 

In case you haven't noticed the Pirate is white hot these days. He takes his Cougars into sunny southern California to take on UCLA and captain intensity Jimmy Mora Jr.

Oil and water those two. 

Jimmy covets a good tan and the California sun. The Pirate prefers the sleet and overcast conditions of eastern Washington. The Pirate covets vitamin D deficiency. Swing your sword Pirate. For all of us. 

And now your moment of zen. 

Just how you draw it up. 

Posted on November 12, 2015 and filed under Southwest Round-Up.