We are at the halfway mark of the regular season. Let's review the first half of the 2016 football season:
- You're operating at about 30% capacity, which is fine, because expectations for you have lowered to the point that people expect you to be giving just 25%, so you're actually 5% over expectation.
- Your nacho game is totally and completely on point.
- You've been dating a 30 pack of Schlitz for the past two weeks. It's the only thing that really understands you.
- Your remote is so greased up from your sausage fingers that you can't make out the numbers anymore, it's ok, you're on a higher plain of understanding, you don't need numbers anymore, just rely on your instincts.
There's no going back now. We've burned our boats.
On to Week 7, try to wear a shirt.
All times Texas.
Friday, October 14th
Mississippi State at BYU 9:15 pm ESPN
Seriously, what the hell is happening here. The states of Mississippi and Utah should never commingle.
I'm shocked Mississippi State lets Dan Mullen leave the state for fear he won't return.
To our Mormon friends we apologize for Mississippi, it's one of reasons America lags behind in reading skills and a contributing factor as to why we generally cannot have nice things.
Saturday, October 15th
Kansas State at Oklahoma 11:00 am ESPN
Wizard Bill took down Tech and one armed Pat Mahomes last Saturday. Now he turns his attention to Big Game Bob.
Give Bob credit, he tried to save Chuck Strong's job last week, but some men don't take to charity. Chuck Strong just couldn't bring himself to NOT allow forty points in a game.
Oh, and Baker Mayfield is still a prick. That's confirmed on Wikipedia.
West Virginia at Texas Tech 11:00 am FS1
Undefeated West F***ing Virginia head to the Morgantown of Texas, Lubbock, to take on Koach Kliff and the Red Raiders.
Koach Kliff's seat is getting hot, but then again it couldn't get much hotter! Amirite ladies!
We apologize for that last outburst, we aren't here to objectify Koach Kliff or any other male for that matter. It's about time we started treating men with the respect they deserve as equals. It's 2016 dammit. We don't just walk around talking about grabbing men by the junk do we?
Sorry it just hurts to think of Koach's well chiseled features out of job.
Alabama at Tennessee 2:30 pm CBS
Butch Jones, confirmed dick, welcomes Nick Saban, confirmed dick, to Knoxville for what was going to be the biggest game in Tennessee history this week, but A&M went and ruined it.
We're not sure the Tennessee will be able to find 11 healthy bodies to throw back the invading hoard from Bama.
Also it's Thursday and Josh Dobbs just threw another interception.
Kansas at Baylor 2:30 pm FS1
Homecoming at Baylor! They still do a parade, crown a queen and play Kansas. How quant.
Jim Grobe's actions this week clearly show that he ain't giving a shit anymore. Also he's hoping that his headset gets plugged in for the game so he can hear the rest of the coaches talk and stuff.
North Carolina at Miami 2:30 pm ABC
Miami fans threw bottles and garbage on the field in protest of a call last week against Florida State. The U is back! Miami finally got to experience what it's like to see world class athletes play their guts out only to have an unathletic kicker ruin things in the last seconds.
Larry Fedora may be up for the Baylor/LSU/Texas/USC job. Funny thing about the ACC, everyone says it's a major conference but most of its coaches sure do burn through resumes to get out.
Missouri at Florida 3:00 pm SECN
What's the opposite of an offensive explosion? We have no idea but we're going to see it in Gainesville Saturday.
Utah at Oregon State 3:00 pm PAC-12 Network
We don't really care about this game but it give us another chance to dump on the Pac-12 "Network" It's distribution footprints is seven square blocks of Rancho Cucamonga.
Utah and Oregon State fans don't get the network either so they're setting up a massive group text to track the play by play.
Ole Miss at Arkansas 6:00 pm ESPN
Coach Bert vs. Hugh "I fake my own death and no, by the way, we don't pay our player's utility bills" Freeze.
Bert needs a win in the SEC almost as badly as he needs to supersize his value meal from Mickey D's.
Stanford at Notre Dame 6:30 pm NBC
Remember the good old days, you know from a month ago, when Christian McCaffrey was going to win the Heisman and Stanford was ready to run rough shod over the PAC 12 en route to a playoff appearance and an NFC West title?
Remember when Notre Dame was a playoff contender as well with two quarterbacks who would probably split the Heisman? Remember Brian VanGorder? That dude could party. Where's Brian these days?
Those days were pretty great.
It's a battle of two teams with a 5-6 combined record. Enjoy.
Ohio State at Wisconsin 7:00 pm ABC
It's the DAD GUM HAMMER FIGHT-O-THE-WEEK
Our weekly nod to Streets of Fire, the 80's Rock Opera and Willem Defoe's crowning achievement as a thespian. You can watch the whole movie on YouTube nowadays, depriving Willem of some hard earned royalties. We ain't here to judge, look at it as payback for Willem thrusting The Grand Budapest Hotel on us.
Urban Meyer is quietly assembling a team of insanely skilled and morally ambiguous super athletes at Ohio State, not unlike his Florida teams. Let's be honest, that Florida squad still isn't credited for its actual body count.
Standing in Urban's way is blessed Sconnie. J.J. Watt's little brother and a bunch of other white dudes. They're a top 1o team donchaknow.
We aren't saying Wisconsin doesn't stand a chance, we're just saying that if the Badgers somehow were able to suit up both J.J. Watt and Russell Wilson this is still a Buckeye route.
UCLA at Washington State 9:30 pm ESPN
Roundup Hero Mike Leach takes on Josh "Look mom I'm growing a mustache, it's so college" Rosen.
Leach defended Trump at his weekly press conference which isn't that unusual considering Mike usually has a segment of his presser dedicated to Crazy Horse, Black Jack Pershing, Owls, and/or the complete works of Stanley Kubrick.
Godspeed Coach Leach. Send the Bruins back to Westwood with a loss and we look forward to your postgame remarks on the flat tax.
And now your moment of Zen.