Welcome to week 6. The week where things start to normalize. Conference play is in full swing, competitive balance is a thing, and you've got a routine down. You wake up, move to the couch, turn on the TV, wake up in the same position on Sunday morning. Your wife and or girlfriend has normalized as well. She's settling in with her new significant other and she's happy. You've got another epic Saturday of college football. You are happy too. Say that with me, "I am happy too." Good. Now get back on the couch.
All times Texas.
Saturday, October 8th
Auburn at Mississippi State 11:00 am SECN
Iowa at Minnesota 11:00 am ESPN2
The battle for the Land of Thick Ankled Women and Pasty White Men reaches its fevered pitch as these two midwestern value states square off.
They play, appropriately enough, for a statue of a pig. Pork is king to these people, you'd half expect them to smoke the damn thing in the parking lot.
We'd like to take this opportunity to welcome Iowa fans back to "Kirk Ferentz Reality." Last year gave you poor Iowans "Kirk Ferentz Fantasy." You were undefeated most of the year, you won the Big 10 West, and went to the Rose Bowl. Welcome back to losing to FCS teams and Northwestern at home.
LSU at Florida 11:00 am ESPN
Coach O is back! And running the dad gum ball. We're not saying his offensive approach is antiquated but his two-deep refers to wide receivers as "wide tackles" and quarterbacks as "hand off sissies."
Florida meanwhile hired an offensive coordinator to come in and clean up Will Muschamp's mess. Jim McElwain was supposed to be different. He's not. Call it the Spurrier Curse: your team's offensive production will mirror the Old Ball Coach's golf handicap. He's been on his game in 2016.
Oklahoma vs. Texas (Dallas) 11:00 am FS1
The Red River Rivalry, live on FS1.
Don't worry Texas fans, Strong is taking over the defense this week. Most Horn fans are hopeful that he turns over head coaching duties to someone else as well.
Here's a thought, what if they appoint Malik the Redeemer as interim head coach/Lord and Savior? He'd be pretty well suited for the job, strolling up and down the sideline giving hope with his glances, healing injuries, and smiting fools.
Houston at Navy 2:00 pm CBSSN
A service academy option team on the road? Beware Houston...
Tennessee at Texas A&M 2:30 pm CBS
It's our Hammer Fight of the Week!
Our weekly tribute to Streets of Fire. Fun fact number 1: The year Streets of Fire was released, Terms of Endearment won the Oscar for best picture. Fun fact number 2: Terms of Endearment does not culminate in a hammer fight. (we're guessing here, like we'd ever watch Terms of Endearment) Fun fact number 3: How a movie without a hammer fight could be better than a movie WITH a hammer fight is confusing to us.
On to the game.
A&M fans are juiced because they get to see two top 10 teams at Kyle Field and GameDay is coming to boot. We've seen this scenario play out before and typically it involves Nick Saban or Les Miles killing everyone's buzz by halftime.
Kevin Sumlin has a losing record at Kyle Field in SEC games. Perhaps the impenetrable fortress of Kyle Field is actually protected by a broken screen door.
We're torn here because we think Butch Jones is a total dick. Perhaps an Art Briles level dick. We suspect that he's sacrificed puppies to lead the charmed existence he's led this season. Yes. Butch Jones hates puppies.
We'll take A&M to win a big game at home for the first time since the Clinton Administration.
Colorado at USC 3:00 pm PAC-12 Network
Colorado's ranked and USC isn't. It's a Twilight Zone episode. An odd Twilight Zone episode based in 1991.
Clay Helton may be over his head at USC. Some say that by only playing eight players on several extra point attempts vs. Stanford, Helton showed the level of organization in his program. We think he's a pioneer, resting players at opportune times. David Shaw's the dumbass for not going for two with a three man advantage.
Someday history will look at you as a genius Clay. You keep doing you.
Alabama at Arkansas 6:00 pm ESPN
Coach Bert attempts to climb mount Saban once again. This game is typically a fist fight in a bar ditch, we don't expect the 2016 version to be much different.
Bert and Sabes are more comfortable in this environment. They look at this week as a refuge from all the spread teams infecting the college game from within. It's a warm cuddle on a cold night for these two.
Texas Tech at Kansas State 6:00 pm ESPNU
Wizard Bill welcomes Koach Kliff to the Little Apple. Nic Shimonek's first start for the Red Raiders. The Wizard will have a few tricks up his sleeve for old Nic.
Nic will counter by adding a few more tats on his left arm sleeve. Tit for tat. See what we did there? We hate ourselves.
Georgia at South Carolina 6:30 pm SECN
We applaud Georgia for continuing to play the season out after having its hart ripped out and set aflame on national TV. We're sure Will Muschamp will be very sensitive to the plight of the Dawgs as they head into Columbia.
If you're Georgia your probably actually hoping Hurricane Matthew makes landfall near Williams Brice so they just have the damn weekend off.
Washington at Oregon 6:30 pm FOX
Washington is the media darling of the week. A post previously held this season by Texas, Michigan State, and Stanford.
That Nike money is getting a little nervous about Mark Helfrich and his three game losing streak. Actually Oregon Students are getting nervous as well. They've set up a go fund me account to buy out his contract. They aren't familiar with Phil Knight's ability to buy out most things on the planet earth.
Florida State at Miami 7:00 pm ABC
Kids, FSU/Miami used to be the greatest rivalry in all of college football. Florida State would deploy and blinding array of athletes only matched by the U's blinding array of athletes. Then they'd send some non-athletic kicker out to settle things and he'd miss, usually wide right.