Week 12 is going to be exciting! Last week was chaos, who know what this week holds. We know what your routine is, wake up, shun personal hygiene, beer for breakfast, college game day, close the blinds to thwart the sun, day drinking, couch sitting, passing out, waking up to your children asking mommy if daddy is dead, mommy says she hopes so, pretzels and Cheetos for dinner, night drinking, passing out, waking up, bodily functions in complete rebellion. Living the dream.
All Times Texas.
Louisville at Houston 7:00 pm ESPN
Louisville's players are pretty bummed out about the current playoff rankings. The took to twitter to protest. Well, they took to twitter to put up a bunch of disappointed face memes. It's the best they could muster.
Don't be too hard on them, disappointed face memes are considered on par with burning draft cards or sitting in the front of the bus for most young moderns today. It's a sad time kids.
Kansas State at Baylor 11:00 am ESPN2
This week's Baylor game is brought to you by Tom Petty and his seminal hit "Free Falling." Really captures the mood in Waco where the action outside the stadium is almost as well covered as the action inside. Will the #CAB contingent expand their line of products to include Koozies? How about a baseball cap?
Wizard Bill Snyder can't be distracted by all the merch. He's worn the same Alamo Bowl pullover since Darren Sproles played for the 'Cats.
Ohio State at Michigan State 11:00 am ESPN
Mark Dantonio's season hasn't gone according to plan. Michigan State is 1-6 in the Big 10. The one win? Rutgers. Somehow the league sanctions games vs. the Scarlet Knights. All Dantonio has left is to F with Urban Meyer. He did it last year by beating the Buckeyes in Columbus and ruining Urban's whole damn year.
We like to think that in the offseason Dantonio toilet papers Urbans how and places Urban's garden gnomes in sexually explicit positions. It's the only joy in his life.
Oklahoma State at TCU 11:00 am FS1
Let's just call this the "Are they any good?" Bowl. We honestly have no idea. We think Okie State's good, but, go back to the Central Michigan game and watch Okie State's last offensive play, it's the text book, Websters dictionary definition of a charlie foxtrot. You run that play Mike Gundy and you don't get to bitch about the officials making a mistake and allowing the hail mary/hook and lateral that beat you a play later.
We pegged TCU for at minimum 10 wins and a Big 12 title this year. Have we mentioned how risky it is to wager on 20 year olds? Brutal.
Florida at LSU 12:00 pm SEC Network
The Hurricane Game, also yet another example of why the SEC East is a notch above the Sun Belt.
Coach O wasn't allowed football due to a hurricane that didn't actually hit anywhere near Gainesville a few weeks back. Then Florida AD Jeremy Foley got upity and ran his mouth during reschedule negotiations. Coach O is angry. It's payback time bitches.
Montana State at Montana 1:00 pm RSNW
We annually list this game, the Brawl of the Wild, greatest rivalry name in College Football and that is not up for debate. We have no idea if these two teams are any good, but we assume this is the college football version of the Revenant, except with less Bear sex.
San Diego State at Wyoming 2:30 pm CBSSN
The Mountain West Championship game primer is set to go off in Laramie. It's not the Brawl of the Wild, but it should be a good old fashioned HAMMER FIGHT!
A non-power 5 Hammer Fight -O- the Week? What are we Hipsters? Are we going to quit our day jobs to jam out to Mumford and make cornbread? Are we tight rolling our jeans and growing interesting facial hair? Hell no. We like it when giant men line up and attempt to move each other to different geographic locations with resistance. That's what this is going to be, good old fashioned football. The way God and Nick Saban intended it.
Ever heard of Donnel Humphrey? You should have, he's currently 4th all time in rushing yards in NCAA history and he plays for: (circle one)
San Diego State Wyoming
San Diego State you noob.
Wyoming is coached by Craig Bohls who somehow made North Dakota State relevant to the football world. He's doing the same thing at Wyoming.
LET'S. GET. IT. ON.
We'll take the Aztecs for the win.
Washington State at Colorado 2:30 pm FOX
We've got a blue blazer red alert for the state of Colorado targeted at dooby smoking Boulder. We're gonna need all hands on deck as Mike Leach's Washington State Cougars are on the brink of crashing that Tuesday night made for TV ESPN thingy about the playoff and thereby the actual playoff and by doing so gaining control of the western hemisphere and as such the known universe.
We are GIDDY as a school girl. We welcome our Mike Leach overlord, we've prayed for this day and Saturday could be another sign of the prophesy coming true.
Stanford at California 4:30 pm PAC-12 Network
They call this the Game, it's the only time NoCal hippies care about football. Last week the greatness that was Christian McCaffrey was on full display in Eugene. This week McCaffrey gets to pound those hippies from Berkeley one last time.
Sonny D's Cal squad has plummeted like a lead balloon. Funny how that always seems to happen when you only emphasize one phase of the game. Weird.
Oklahoma at West Virginia 7:00 pm ABC
Look kids, it's the battle for the Big 12 title. When the Big 12 has a title game in two years they'll just replay this game a few weeks later and destroy any chance for the league to have any chance at a playoff birth.
The Sooners have to saunter into Morgantown, West Virginia on a Saturday night. Morgantown at a night game is the Fallujah of the east coast, except the food is worse.
USC at UCLA 9:30 pm ESPN
The Battle for Los Angeles. To be honest they can have it for all we care.
UCLA's season has been a dumpster fire in a dirty diaper factory, but hey Jim Mora, you can save it all by beating your crosstown rival. We don't think you can actually beat them but, you need a reason to wake up every day Jim, and this might be your only hope.
USC knocked Washington off last week and Sam Darnold may have injected himself into the Hesiman Race, his chin is up for the Butkus.
Sam Darnold's chin forces the rest of his body to get it coffee in the morning.
Sam Darnold's chin chops and stacks wood for a lumber company in the off-season.
We should go now.