Your Friendly Guide to the Heart of Dallas Bowl

For the hordes of Army and North Texas fans descending on Dallas tomorrow for the Heart of Dallas Bowl, the Roundup is here to make sure you don't eat the husk on the tamale as it were. For North Texas fans, this is all old hat, you spend a ton of time in east Dallas right? No you don't. Educate yourselves. 

First thing's first, you'll need a drink.

There are a couple of options near Fair Park. Perhaps not right near Fair Park, unless your really adventuresome and have a fully funded life insurance policy. Try the Libertine on Lower Greenville. While you're there support local musicians and tip your waitress and/or bartender. The Libertine is a block from a Trader Joe's just in case anyone needs any cookie butter, reasonably priced cheeses or birthday cards. 

The Double Wide is right off 30, closer to Fair Park on Commerce, it's a trailer park motif so most of you will feel right at home. It's got outdoor seating so you can sit outside and enjoy drinks that "hit harder than your dad." You can buy a coozy with that phrase on it from the Double Wide and support both alcoholism and domestic violence. 

Want a freakin' donut?

 The Evil Elvis

The Evil Elvis

Of course you do. Hypnotic Donuts is on the east side, oddly a side of Dallas that was once only known for tire shops and locations for drug bust footage for "Walker Texas Ranger." Now the east side is becoming gentrified, which as best we can tell means they're driving poor people out. But forget about social injustice, you want a damn donut. Hypnotic Donuts  located right near the Dallas Arboretum is your huckleberry. The donut to the right here is known as the Evil Elvis. They also feature a long John with Maple Icing and bacon called the Canadian Healthcare. Do they gentrify in Canada? Whatever, have a donut .

The Kennedy Issue.  

Ok, let's get this out, Lee Harvey Oswald and some conglomeration of the CIA, Secret Service, Cuban nationals, white supremacists, aliens, et al killed John F. Kennedy in Dallas. The rest of the country viewed Dallas as a haven for hatred, that perception has long since lapsed, now it's a haven for hipsters, one could argue a new threat to American exceptionalism. You can go by the book depository and see all that macabre history if you'd like. Maybe you can solve the thing. 

An Era of Great Discoveries

The Frozen Margarita machine was invented in Dallas. That means that when you down an off brand slushy with liquor in it at your local Mexican Restaurant or when you visit that cool, recently divorced uncle of yours who has one set up in the den you have Dallas to thank. 

The Cotton Bowl

 Behold the Majesty. 

Behold the Majesty. 

The Heart of Dallas Bowl is played in the venerable Cotton Bowl. A majestic venue built for just over 300 grand back in the 1930s still stands today in the middle of the Fair Grounds of Dallas, surrounded by tire shops and the occasional gentrified hipster. The initial configuration seated 45,000 fans, now the stadium seats 92,000, most of the actual seats are only used once a year when Texas and OU square off. The largest attendance for the Heart of Dallas bowl was just over 48,000, when Oklahoma State beat Purdue. Purdue went to a bowl game. Yes, we're as surprised as you are. 

Oh yeah, the football game. 

The Heart of Dallas Bowl has been the site of more ass kickings than the rec yard at the Ferguson Prison Unit. Only once has the game been decided by ten points of less. That was the first HoD bowl low so many years ago in 2011. 

It's sponsored by Zaxby's. What's Zaxby's go to dish? We have no idea. Never eaten at one. I'd say go with the breaded chicken. That breading can cover up a multitude of sins. 

 Jeff Monken: Out for revenge. 

Jeff Monken: Out for revenge. 

Army and North Texas pair off for a bowl game, on the heals of North Texas' win over the Black Knights earlier this year. Army is high on life after snapping Navy's 14 game winning streak. Army hadn't beaten Navy since Veterans Stadium was torn down in Philly. Jeff Monken's option offense, perfected at Georgia Southern, has been the key for the Black Knights. Monken coached with flexbone savants Paul Johnson and Ken Niumatalolo at both Hawaii and Navy. 

 Former Bama Man Alec Morris

Former Bama Man Alec Morris

North Texas in the mean time qualified for the HoD in spite of a losing record. North Texas starts Alabama transfer Alec Morris at quarterback, one of seemingly 27 quarterbacks to transfer from Alabama in the past 3 years. Seth Littrell has already exceeded expectations by leading the Mean Green to a bowl game. Some prognosticators, including this site, had North Texas penciled in for 2 to 3 wins in 2016, we feel shame. 

Give us the Mean Green to get that elusive sixth win. We'll also have a donut.