Our long odyssey begins again. We hope your offseason went as terribly as ours did. No football, 4 hour baseball games, scoreless soccer "draws", NBA games that are only watchable during the last three minutes, it's been difficult, but now we're back. Might be a good idea to go ahead and tell the wife that the maelstrom starts on Thursday, she can finally get those papers to the lawyer. She'll be happier that way.
Some of you newbs are terrified at the thought of missing something incredible in all the pigskin this weekend. Fear not lads, the Roundup is here using science, math, and unadulterated guts and belief to optimize your football weekend. And destroy any significant relationships in your life.
All times Texas.
Thursday, Sept. 1
Rice at Western Kentucky, CBSSN, 7
SWC member Rice takes on the Hilltoppers in Kentucky.
By Rice landing the plane, the IQ of the State will surge to never before seen levels.
By the way, Rice's Jack Greene is a G-damn hero.
South Carolina at Vanderbilt, ESPN, 7
Will Muschamp is back, dry erase boards are fleeing the state of South Carolina. But look, Will has learned a lot from his last head coaching job. He's gone vegan, meditates and reads a lot of self actualization books. The over/under on the rage explosion is 2.5 series.
Friday, Sept. 2
Colorado vs. Colorado State, ESPN, 7
Tune in, turn out, and get baked along with 3/4 of the student population of these two institutions. We call this game the Laremy Tunsil Classic.
Want to get into the Big 12 Colorado State? Simple. Beat the Buffs. While you're at it, get way better at athletics in general. Promise the Big 12 80% of your TV money. Renovate your stadium. Embrace the Longhorn Network. Knock those out and we'll talk.
Kansas State at Stanford, FS1, 8
Wizard Bill makes his return. Due to the late start time, Wizard Bill will actually coach this game from Manhattan.
White Running Back Alert is at Defcon 5 with the return of Christian McCaffrey. Enjoy your last season of productive football Christian. Some GM somewhere is totally going to Tebow all over McCaffrey in the draft and lose his job. Can't wait.
Saturday, Sept. 3
Missouri at West Virginia, FS1, 11 am
Oh Holgo, you're back. Like a warm blanket we just can't get comfortable without you. What's that? Holgo's on the hot seat? After everything he's done for not only the University, but also the state? Hell the nation? Red Bull up and sling it around coach. Morgantown doesn't deserve you.
Oklahoma vs. Houston, ABC, noon in 11 am
Bless you Baker Mayfield. You're the perpetual underdog. With no FBS offers you liked out of your ritzy Hills of Lakeway high school you persevered. You went to a Big 12 school that gave you a chance, but you needed more than a chance Baker, you needed control and who wouldn't? Then coach Kliff got all selfish and wouldn't put you above the program and refused to guarantee you a starting job, all he did was offer you a stinking scholarship for the spring semester. Whatever. But you didn't quit, you're an overcomer so you packed up your sweet dance moves and hitchhiked to Oklahoma. Life's hard bro. You're an inspiration.
LSU vs. Wisconsin, ABC, 2:30
Wisconsinites or Sconnies as they're lovingly called are a docile group. Pasty. Their women are a hearty bunch with thick ankles and lovely personalities. The Sconnie just doesn't know what he's doing inviting the cajun hoard up to the great white north. #courage.
UCLA at Texas A&M, CBS, 2:30
You guys read the SI profile on Josh Rosen? He makes Baker Mayfield seem likable. This is what a douchebag both looks and smells like.
Will the Aggies once again win the September National Title and Heisman? UCLA could October them in week one.
USC vs. Alabama, ABC, 7
Let's recap USC's last few years, Lane Kiffin was fired on the shuttle home from the airport after getting blow'd out by Todd Graham. (Todd freaking Graham!) Steve Sarkisian got blitzed at a pep rally and went on a cussin' filled diatribe for all the TV cameras and kids who were present and yet kept his job until midseason. Then former AD Pat Haden was caught defrauding a charity.
It's a miracle new coach Clay Helton hasn't burned down the Coliseum. Yet.
Oh, good luck with Bama to start your non-interim head coaching career Clay.
Clemson at Auburn, ESPN, 8
Dabo and Gus to start 2016. Gus is on the on the hot seat Dabo is in the cat bird seat. Gus needs this job Auburn. We mean he REALLY needs this job. Otherwise he has to spend more time with this...
Do the right thing Auburn and at least keep Gus around, let him work in the video department or the grounds crew. Just don't send him home.
Sunday, Sept. 4
Notre Dame at Texas, ABC, 6:30
Football on the sabbath? Hell yeah. Serial quarterback abuser Brian Kelly should turn doubly red in the Texas heat. He's got not one but two quarterbacks to humiliate on the sideline. It's like when your folks split up and you get TWO Christmases.
Chuck Strong will either debut a freshman quarterback on national TV or just send Tyrone Swoopes out there to trip over stuff.
Malik the Redeemer will heal a blind kid during the third quarter and walk on Gatorade as he leaves the field.
Monday, Sept. 5
Ole Miss vs. Florida State, ESPN, 7
SEC vs. the SEC of the ACC, it's our dad gum HAMMER FIGHT OF THE WEEK!
Our hammer fight of the week celebrates the 80's classic Streets of Fire which culminates in *SPOILER ALERT* an actual hammer fight between our hero Tom Cody and the leader of the outlaw biker gang the Bombers - Raven Shaddock, played by Willem Defoe (who really puts in a shift in this one kids). Here's actual footage of the Hammer Fight, note the police officers standing in the street watching two grown men try to bludgeon each other with hammers. It was a better time.
But on to the game...
Let's recap Ole Miss' offseason shall we: Robert Nkemdiche fell out the fourth floor window of a Hyatt in Hotlanta, apparently under influence of an illegal substance; Laremy Tunsil plummeted out of the top 10 of the NFL draft after someone hacked his social media and video surfaced of him ingesting an illegal substance through a gas mask as well as texts soliciting cash from assistant coaches; the NCAA is sniffing around; and Hugh Freeze staged his own funeral.
In other words, pretty typical SEC offseason.
Speaking of the SEC, the most SEC ACC squad is looking for another playoff birth but we can't take our eyes off Jimbo Fisher's new hair. It's a miracle Jimbo, the lord hath blessed you with renewed head lettuce. Rejoice!
We like the 'Noles to kick start their non-stop rampage through the Coastal or Atlantic or Suburban division, we're not sure which, we like the 'Noles regardless.
Enjoy your weekend!