Welcome to week 3! Some of you noobs took week two lightly and then what happens? Overtime, free plays, illegality, and mayhem. You were overwhelmed. Your instincts told you to listen to your wife and turn off the TV and sit quietly looking at color swatches or communicate with your children. We say no.
This is when you need to rely on your training to pull you through. That's why we're here. Mount the remote and hang on for dear life, it's all you have left. Understand that. Let us guide you through week three.
All Times Texas.
Thursday, September 15th
Houston at Cincinnati 6:30 pm ESPN
We'd like to remind everyone what Tommy Tubberville did to Texas Tech a few years back.
What kind of man walks away from a steak? That's Todd Graham level jackassery.
Do your worst Tom Herman.
Friday, September 16th
Baylor at Rice 7:00 pm ESPN
A real live SWC matchup! Because it's on a Friday night we're going to deduct a 1/10 of a point, high school football is sacred around here.
Rice needs a win like Lindsey Lohan needs a hit. Baylor isn't your Wilmer Valderrama.
We feel shame for that line. Forgive us.
Arizona State at UTSA 8:30 pm ESPN2
We're working through our hatred for Todd Graham but every time he heads back into the State we're reminded of his one and done at Rice. Then of course his one and done at Pitt. We suspect he's going to arrive on Thursday and drop off resumes at Baylor, Texas, and A&M.
Saturday, September 17th
Kansas at Memphis 11:00 am ESPNU
Turn on the U, turn the volume down, and convince yourself that either of these teams belong in the Big 12.
Florida State at Louisville 11:00 am ABC
Bobby Petrino welcomes the Criminoles into Louisville and a huge game for each teams playoff aspirations. Fire up the Harley Bobby and find yourself a leggy blond, it's about to be on!
In the meantime let Jameis Winston inspire you with a series of smirks and ass references.
Alabama at Ole Miss 2:30 pm CBS
Ole Miss has beaten Bama two years in a row. A third and Saban will go Clinton Whitewater on Hugh Freeze. Have someone else start your car Hugh.
Ole Miss has to win to stay in the playoff hunt. Alabama can technically go 7-5 and still sneak in to the fourth slot.
Colorado at Michigan 2:30 pm BTN
You're going to see the Kordell Stewart to Michael Westbrook Hail Mary roughly 73 times between now and 2:30 on Saturday. They won't show you the video of Michael Westbrook beating the hell out of his teammate Stephen Davis at a Redskins practice. We believe in full disclosure.
Oregon at Nebraska 2:30 pm ABC
When he was at Oregon State, Mike Reilly loved losing to Oregon so much that he's brought the tradition with him to Lincoln.
Pittsburgh at Oklahoma State 2:30 pm ESPN
Oklahoma State lost due to a referee error and an untimed down. Now they're all complaining about a rule that no one had any knowledge of before last Saturday. Listen Pokies, your first win was against Directional Louisiana and you lost to Directional MAC, let's just along.
On another note, last Saturday marked the first time that Mike Perrera actually contributed something useful to a broadcast.
Mississippi State at LSU 6:00 pm ESPN2
LSU finally saw what everyone else saw 12 months ago and replaced their quarterback. Keep chewing that grass Les, you're entering what most would refer to as a standard level of enlightenment.
Dan Mullen needs a win over the Bayou Bengals in the worst way. He's been trying to get out of Mississippi for 3 or 4 years now. Last I heard he'd applied to be a Wal-Mart greeter in Tampa.
Texas A&M at Auburn 6:00 pm ESPN
It's the SEC's version of Loser Leaves Town!
Auburn runs the incredibly ineffective three quarterback system. A&M is as ineffective with just one guy. I think that make A&M more ineffective? I don't know. I've confused myself. Moving on.
Michigan State at Notre Dame 6:30 pm NBC
I just noticed this game is available in 4K on DirectTV. Can you imagine the vivid shades of red Brian Kelly will turn in 4K! We love DirectTV, we'd love them to sponsor PYFW unless Dish wants to, in that case we love Dish. So superior to DirectTV, unless of course it isn't.
Ohio State at Oklahoma 6:30 pm FOX
It's our HAMMER FIGHT OF THE WEEK!
Our weekly tribute to the 80's rock opera or rockera - Streets of Fire. Funny thing about Streets of Fire, lead actor Michael Parè was working as a chef when he was discovered by a talent agent. Frightening how close we all came never seeing his portrayal of Tom Cody. There are nights I wake up in a cold sweat thinking about what might not have been.
This week's Hammer Fight features Big Game Bob against that burnout Urban Meyer. OU needs a win to keep its playoff hopes alive. Urban needs a win to maintain the facade that he runs a clean program.
Baker Mayfield will attempt to relaunch his Heisman campaign and was seen in New York this week stuffing Sterling Shepard into the trunk of his car.
Remember when J.T. Barrett was part of the "greatest quarterback room in the history of college sports?" You know the one with the guy who wasn't really a quarterback and ended up playing receiver and the other guy who wasn't really a quarterback and was more suited to play offensive tackle but who tricked the Bills into drafting him as a quarterback. That room? Well J.T.'s all alone in their now, just remembering the good times.
USC at Stanford 7:00 pm ABC
Stanford beat USC twice last year and put 40 on the Men of Troy each time. Christian McCaffrey in a Prime Time Game? Let's go ahead an issue the WHITE GUY RUNNING BACK ALERT for the West Coast and most of the Central Time Zone. Prep for cliches, full on white guy cliches.
Here's a primer...
"McCaffrey is a coach's dream who makes the most of his abilities and talents. Really just a gym rat. Smart, intelligent runner. I mean he plays at Stanford. Did we mention his mom was a great athlete? Comes from a good family. Real coach on the field. A self-made player. He the kind of son any father would be proud of. What he lacks in talent he makes up for in desire and preparation. "
You've been warned.
UCLA at BYU 9:15 pm ESPN2
Josh Rosen is back in prime on the deuce. The BYU crowd will love you Josh. Thanks for the mustache pal. #YOLO.
Texas at California 9:30 pm ESPN
Texas is somehow still required to play games this year in order to win a national title. Bull butter. They've won both their games this season already, what else does the committee want?
Malik the Redeemer is taking his movement on the road for the first time. The rest of the Horns are flying to Berkeley, Malik will walk the Panama Canal and be carried the rest of the way astride a team of dolphins.