It's week 5. Let's work on a second wind and while we're at it let's work on sitting on a new area of the couch so that our bottom indention in the cushions doesn't become permanent. It's another big weekend of avoiding all personal responsibility and hygiene norms.
All times Texas.
Friday, September 30th
Stanford at Washington 8:00 pm ESPN
A top 10 matchup in the great northwest? We haven't been this excited about something in Seattle since Singles came out. Cliff Poncier is an eternally underrated character in our humble estimation.
Is Washington good? Three of their four wins are over Rutgers, Idaho, and Portland State. So hell yeah. No word yet on whether they're moving to the Big Sky but given their scheduling it seems like an option.
Stanford killed UCLA's dreams last week on a last minute drive. Then they killed a lot of degenerate gambler's dreams with a scoop and score on the last play of the game.
Oh yeah, if it's Stanford then we are legally obligated to issue a...
Saturday, October 1st
Notre Dame vs. Syracuse (Rutherford) 11:00 am ESPN
Notre Dame fired Defensive Coordinator Brian VanGorder because he's the reason they're 1-3.
The Roundup has a theory that VanGorder wasn't actually fired, but rather was rescued by the Feds in an elaborate workplace abuse sting. He's now at Quantico eating soup under a rescue blanket and briefing agents on Brian Kelly's regime.
Rutgers at Ohio State 11:00 am BTN
Urban Meyer vs. his Protege Chris Ash.
Is Ash the Luke Skywalker to Meyer's yoda?
Has the apprentice surpassed the master?
Is this the year Rutgers beats Ohio State? No. No it's not.
Texas at Oklahoma State 11:00 am ABC
Texas hasn't lost to Oklahoma State in Stillwater since 1997. Okie State has won four straight in Austin. Mike Gundy petitioned the Big 12 to play this game in Austin, but alas, the league has always been in UT's hip pocket so they're forcing him to play this one at home.
Yay - though the Bear smote the Longhorn, fear not, Malik the Redeemer rises again.
Kansas State at West Virginia 2:30 pm ESPNU
The Roundup is torn between our two loves, Wizard Bill and Holgo.
We can't even watch.
Holgo defeated Mormonism last Saturday as he's prone to do. He'll take down most organized religion with the same zeal he crushes a case of Red Bull.
Navy at Air Force 2:30 pm CBSSN
A Commander in Chief's Showdown! Do you love America? Not the beer, the actual country.
It's your civic duty to watch Navy and Air Force and embrace option football.
North Carolina at Florida State 2:30 pm ESPN
We'll take teams that we all thought were good but turns out were bad Alex.
Jimbo is a hot name for the LSU job right now. On a different note, someone is going to hire Larry Fedora away from North Carolina. The same way someone will always order the filet of fish from McDonalds and immediately regret it.
Tennessee at Georgia 2:30 pm CBS
Given the fragile psyche of the Tennessee fan, we see a possible dooms day scenario playing out. Follow us here:
Phase one: The Perfect Storm - (Butch Jones and Tennessee finally beat Florida. 106,000 fans drunk on brown liquor forget about booing the entire first half and convince themselves spotting Florida an 18 point lead was all part of the plan.)
Phase two: No Seriously, THE Perfect Storm - (Georgia loses to Ole Miss for the first time since the Clinton administration. Look inept and lost, a baby deer alone in the woods. The perfect prey.)
Phase Three: Confidence is High My Friends - (Josh Dobbs IS the next Vince Young. Yes, the Vols will win the SEC. 106,000 fans still drunk on brown liquor make plane reservations to inevitable National Title appearance. )
Phase Four: Wait, Who is that Over Yonder? - (By God that's Kirby Smart's music! Nick Saban's double agent goes full radio silence. Lays in weeds.)
Phase Five: The Trap is Sprung. - (Vols s**t the bed in Athens. Dobbs is in fact NOT Vince Young. Butch Jones is a terrible coach and probably a methodist.)
Phase Six: Order is Restored. (Saban sends Smart a text that simply reads "Kirbs, LOL. Luv, Sabes." Vols fans drunk on brown liquor convince themselves that Lane Kiffin wasn't that bad after all.)
Wisconsin at Michigan 2:30 pm ABC
What if, and we're just spit balling here, Jim Harbaugh is taken down after all his anti skim milk antics by the dairy loving Sconnies?
Don't cross the Milk Lobby Jim. Hell hath no fury like the Milk Lobby.
Oklahoma at TCU 4:00 pm FOX
Baker Mayfield's 2016 has gone about as well as Kanye's. Sure he was a genius a few months ago. Next thing you know he's dancing in a leotard with a ton of hot takes. Now it's all gone to crap. At least Baker hasn't married a Kardashian. Yet.
Missouri at LSU 6:30 pm SEC Network
The Roundup welcomes back Coach Ed Orgeron to the head coaching ranks. He's a hero kids. A grape ape looking hero. And as a bonus, he's coaching at LSU. It's a cosmic explosion of incredible. There's no reason for him to try a pretend he doesn't have a delightfully marble-mouthed cajun accent.
The NCAA should mandate that Coach O be brought in on an interim basis to any team that fires their coach at midseason. College football'd be better for it.
Louisville at Clemson 7:00 pm ABC
It's our Hammer Fight-o-the-Week.
Our weekly tribute the great cinematic achievement Streets of Fire, which of course culminates in an actual hammer fight. You know the world would be a better place if we solved our problems with hammers. Just saying.
If you've been near a TV you've heard of how amazing Lamar Jackson of Louisville is. He's an unstoppable offensive force. At last check, ESPN College Football's home page literally had 11 stories on Lamar Jackson. But ESPN is known for their subtle touch with these story lines.
Clemson meanwhile has won every game but they haven't been dominate. Just a little something missing. It's like when Diamond David Lee Roth got kicked out of Van Halen and Sammy Hagar took over, sure they played the same songs but without the flying splits it just wasn't the same.
We are nothing if not contrarian, so we must take Clemson because we have tired of Lamar Jackson's s**t.
Oregon at Washington State 8:30 pm PAC-12 Network
Oregon is still reeling from that loss to Colorado at home, and now they have to travel to the Palouse aka the Lair of Leach.
Leach's Cougars have underperformed by any measure this season but don't turn your back on Mike Leach. That's when he'll bury a replica Geronimo era tomahawk in your back that he's carved out of the jawbone of a moose.