Planning Your Football Weekend: Week Two

Welcome to week two my little soldiers. Week one was a five day festapalooza that many of our brethren didn't survive. They went hard. Too hard if you ask me, but every man chooses his own path.

Welcome to week two. We're going to cram everything into one Saturday because the Thursday and Friday slates are hot garbage. "Pace yourself" is the phrase of the weekend. Mix in some water, hydrate, wear a shirt, do the little things that will insure you see week three. 

All Times Texas. 

Saturday

Kentucky at Florida 2:30 pm CBS

Someone is going to win the SEC East, it's in the CBS contract. Listening to Vern fill time between punts will make this one well worth the watch. 

SMU at (23) Baylor 2:30 pm FS1 

 The Jim Grobe special.

The Jim Grobe special.

The Methodists vs. the Baptists in an I-35 Holy War. Baylor scored 55 against Directional Louisiana last week causing Baylor's interim coach Jim Grobe to wonder aloud whether a scoreboard could actually register such mythical numbers. Jim enjoyed a LuAnn platter at halftime and spent the second half touring the Dr. Pepper plant. 

Western Kentucky at (1) Alabama 2:30 pm ESPN2 

Bama had better not take Western Kentucky for granted, you don't get to play cupcakes like USC every week. 

Let's all hope that the Hilltopper's entrance goes better than it did last week.

Arkansas at (15) TCU 6:00 pm ESPN

It's our HAMMER FIGHT OF THE WEEK!

Our weekly salute to the best game of the week and an homage to the 1980's Rock Opera Streets of Fire. Select your hammers and go at it boys!

 Seriously guys I could kill for some Tacos. 

Seriously guys I could kill for some Tacos. 

This week's Hammer Fight pits the Bert against Gary. A coaching matchup for the new millennium.

Bert's team squeezed past La Tech by one point in their season opener. Bert is not pleased. Can he take it out on the Frogs? The Roundup is willing to bet Bert takes it out on  8 to 12 pounds of Barbecue while he's in Cowtown. 

The Frogs survived the South Dakota State Jackrabbits. I'm sure survival wasn't a chief concern for Patterson when he penciled the Jackrabbits into TCU's schedule. 

We know from our childhoods that rabbits are not to be trifled with.  

Run away! Run away!

We'll take TCU to right the ship against a non-bunny opponent. 

South Carolina at Mississippi State 6:00 pm ESPN2 

A few years ago Auburn and Mississippi State played to an epic 3-2 final. We're not sure how, but this game may go under that.

By the way, the Roundup is a great proponent of the idea that when a kicker doinks an upright, his team should get four points, or a "doink point." We celebrate the craft of kicking here. Last week Mississippi State's kicker drilled the most dead on doink we've seen so far. Squared it up and drilled it. 

UTEP at (11) Texas 6:00 pm LHN 

According to the media's coverage, Texas won the National Championship on Sunday night. For both 2016 and 2017. Shane Buechele and Tyrone Swoopes were each awarded a Heisman, D'Onta Foreman was awarded the Vezina Trophy and Charlie Strong was named Ambassador to the World. 

Malik the Redeemer turned water into Vitamin Water last week, a proud sponsor of your 2016 Texas Longhorns. This week Malik will spend pregame levitating above the field throwing out skittles and orange slices. Get there early. 

Arkansas State at Auburn 6:30 pm SECN 

We're officially on the Gus Malzahn death watch. Old Gus ain't looking too good. Clemson came in last week and beat him senseless in his own house. Now dad gum Arky State is coming to dance on his almost grave. If Arky State gets the win here we think it's best to go ahead and start splitting up Gus's stuff: his sweater vest, visor, and clipboard. He'd want it that way. 

BYU at Utah 6:30 pm FOX 

HOLY WAR! HOLY SHIT!

Seriously, there is a bad blood between these two. They hate each other. The mormon in generally a docile character who somehow voluntarily submits to the horror of polygamy. Look gents, let's go through life disappointing just one woman, no need to expand the program. 

Iowa State at (16) Iowa 6:30 pm BTN

Son, your momma's got the thickest ankles...

The battle for thick ankled supremacy reaches its annual fever pitch in Iowa City on Saturday Night. We can't wait.

Kirk Ferentz just signed another massive contract extension, just a year after everyone made fun of the previous massive contract extension. Well played Kirk. 

Iowa State lost at home to Northern Iowa so regardless of outcome the Hawkeyes need to schedule the Leathernecks to decide who the State Champs are. 

(17) Tennessee vs. Virginia Tech 7:00 pm ABC

Of course Tennessee is playing a game at a racetrack. Water is wet, the sky is blue. We've got a thought, next year have the game AND a race at the same time. That's free, just for you ABC. 

Texas Tech at Arizona State 9:00 pm FS1

If PYFW has a villain it's that son of a bitch Todd Graham. He's left not one, not two, but three programs in the lurch and look where he's ended up, Arizona State. Congrats coach you've fought your way to lower tier Pac 12 job. Go screw. 

On behalf of the Roundup, Baby Jesus, and Ronald Reagan, we'd like to ask Koach Kliff to pulverize Todd Graham. 

Washington State at Boise State 9:15 pm ESPN2

Welcome back PYFW favorite Mike Leach. You're a gentleman and a scholar. It's a damn shame what happened against Eastern Washington last week, but in many ways this is the world you hath wrought. Because of your influence there are dozens of teams that askew running the football and playing defense or tackling in general. In many ways you're a victim of your own success.

Heck, they're running a spread'em out no-tackle offense in Austin now. Take some solace in that coach. Oh and beware of Boise on the blue turf, they're trying to get out of the Mountain West and would love to put your head on their wall to get there. 

And now we leave you with last week's moment of Zen. 

Posted on September 8, 2016 and filed under Southwest Round-Up.