Welcome to week 8! As the weather turns and the Holidays approach you'll be pressured to spend more time with your family. It's best to resist that. We've got a full slate of football this weekend. We need you on that couch, comfortably in the pre-made indentions your bottom has molded. You're safe there.
Here's the schedule, all times Texas.
Memphis at Houston 7 pm ESPN
Starting to wonder if Houston saved their receipt from the hire of Major Applewhite. They might need to box him up and take him back, at least get some store credit or something.
Tulsa's 2017 highlight reel was a series of field goals, and some team dinner footage before the Cougars came to town. Now Tulsa's got 45 points worth of memories.
Iowa State at Texas Tech 11 am FS1
These Cyclones are as dangerous as their naturally occurring twisting whirlwinds of death, just ask Lincoln Riley.
Tech is thankful to be back at home after their roadie to West Virginia. Like most Morgantown weekends, Tech needs to put it behind them, burn their clothes, and get to the University Medical Clinic for a penicillin shot.
Oklahoma State at Texas 11 am ABC
Mike Gundy grew a mullet and took his shirt off in public, and he's the lead on SportsCenter. Hell, I gotta cousin that's doing that right now and nobody gives a shit.
We're not saying Texas doesn't care about its student athletes but the Longhorn's concussion protocol seemed to be Tom Herman asking Sam Ehlinger "hey, are you still knocked the F out or what?"
SMU at Cincinnati 3 pm ESPNU
Fun fact about Cincinnati, and let's be honest, it's a stretch to use the words fun and Cincinnati in a sentence, but the city was originally named "Losantiville." The phrase is an amalgamation of four terms, each of different language and roughly translates "The city opposite the mouth of the Licking River." Boom. Facts. Now go back to your Cheetos.
North Texas at Florida Atlantic 4 pm WatchESPN
Freshly bronzed and swimming amongst the coeds, you'd think that Lane Kiffin has it all. But Lane is hanging on for dear life; he's the only coach in history to crap the bed at USC, Tennessee, the NFL and still manage to pull another head coaching job. If you made him the night manager at the Plaza he'd turn it into a Motel 6.
Lane survived Nick Saban's "House of Rehabilitation for Coaches Who are Toxic and Untouchable." He and Steve Sarkisian shared a bunk bed. If he can't make it at FAU, he'll be teaching 8th-grade Civics and coaching the hell out of your local middle school squad on Tuesday nights.
Rice at UTSA 6 pm Facebook Live
The David Bailiff farewell tour makes a stop in coach's old hometown. Sadly for Rice, UTSA is going to take out two weeks worth of aggravation on those poor, slow, smart kids. Maybe coach Bailiff should grab lunch at Mi Tierra or that place that bakes the giant cinnamon rolls. You know, make a weekend out of it.
Kansas at TCU 7 pm Fox
Kansas is playing on Big Fox in Prime Time? Wow. Were there no reruns of Celebrity Boxing available? What's the opposite of ratings bonanza? Someone get The Oprah Network on the phone and find out what they call it.
Is this part of the compensation package for Bill O'Reilly sexually harassing all those women?
West Virginia at Baylor 7 pm FS2
Red Bull-swigging Coach Holgo is coming to Waco to deal with the Baptists. Turn in your Hymnal to page 245 and sing the first stanza of "Behold An Ass Kicking Cometh."
Careful Baylor fans, West Virginia's Wild Billy Grier is a dead ringer for our Lord and Savior, but he doesn't come to prosper you but rather to harm you.