We're back. Official and stuff. Many of you wondered whether we would be back last week, but we don't acknowledge games played on foreign soil. Sorry Rice but you were on your own, and you got what was coming to you for forfeiting a home game to play in Australia.
Kiss your wife and kids and girlfriend goodbye. Maybe kiss the wife and girlfriend separately, or, if you kiss them together take out the phone and capture the moment for the rest of us. FOOTBALL IS HAPPENING!
All times Texas.
Thursday and Friday
Now more than ever it's important to head out to a high school game in the state, enjoy a sausage wrap and watch the schoolboys tussle. Bonus points if your sausage wrap comes from an FFA or Band Booster club. Do that near your geographic location. Chances are it'll be much more competitive than Ohio State and Indiana.
Maryland at Texas 11 am FS1
Tom Herman is a Mensa member, just ask him.
TEXAS FOOTBALL IS BACK! And beating up on Maryland. Remember when the Big 10 acquired Maryland to raise the conference's profile? Maryland wasn't enhance the profile of the ACC, but the Terps were going to help transform the Big 10. Well played Jim Delaney.
Once the FS1 gameday crew declares that Texas is back, flip over to...
UTEP at Oklahoma 2:30 pm Fox
Never change Sean Kugler.
Baker Mayfield returns for his seventh year of college football. No word on whether he'll sign an extension this offseason. We'll monitor that situation as it develops.
If UTEP needs some help scheming to stop Mayfield, take a cue from the Fayetteville PD, notice how they keep contain on the edge? Can't let Mayfield get outside. Then they gang tackle him. Sure tackling is critical.
After Mayfield solidifies his Heisman chances, pick up the old IPad and go to...
Eastern Washington at Texas Tech 3:00 p.m. FSGo App
The Red Raiders open up with Eastern Washington. Think Eastern Washington is another FCS pushover? Think again. In 2013 they beat #25 Oregon State in Corvallis, in 2014 they lost to Washington by 7 in Seattle, in 2016 they beat the Pirate himself and the Washington State Cougars in Pullman.
If the Eagles win in Lubbock, does Kliff make it out of the stadium with a job?
After Kliff's hot seat reduces to a simmer, get over to...
HOLY WAR! HOLY SHIT!
Liberty at Baylor 6:00 p.m. FS2 and FSGo App
Ever wonder where the whole "Hey the purple Teletubby is Gay!" stuff came from? Liberty founder Jerry Falwell. Tinky Winky has since become a gay icon. He was on record that 9/11 was caused by homosexuals. Falwell also stated that the antichrist was coming and "of course he'll be jewish." What's a little homophobia without a sprinkling of anti-Semitism?
Guess where that justice obstructionist Ian McCaw wound up after his stellar run at Baylor? Yep, he's leading another athletic department at a private Christian university: Liberty! McCaw makes his triumphant return to Waco where he oversaw the the greatest administrative cover up this side of State College, PA.
Here's hoping Ian gets a rash in the nether regions.
While Ian gets some salve, go to the interweb and check out...
Houston Baptist at Texas State ESPN3
HBU escapes Harvey to run right into Everett Withers and his transformed Bobcats.
Well, we assume transformed Bobcats. The news out of San Marcos is that the 'Cats put on weight eating PB&J. I'm happy to report that I've put on weight too, thanks to a diverse diet of .99 cent Taco Bell and those devilishly good Spicy McChicken sandwiches from Mickey D's.
Lamar at North Texas 6:00 p.m. ESPN3
This one harkens back to the old Lone Star Conference days before Lamar discontinued their program. The Cardinals and Mean Green last played in 1986.
Billboards top song in 1986? "That's What Friends are For" by psychic master Dion Warwick, OG Diva Gladys Knight, platform shoe wearing Elton John, and allegedly blind Stevie Wonder. The 80's were a magical time.
Stephen F. Austin at SMU 6:00 p.m. ESPN3
Is this the weekend some unofficial Southland/Texas FBS Challenge? SFA's starting quarterback and TCU transfer Foster Sawyer injured his knee in a boating accident on July 4th weekend. We can only assume that Foster was going hard. In honor of Foster Sawyer, boating enthusiast, we give you college coaches shirtless, on or near boats. Or pools. Or just shirtless.
After SMU lays claim to the Southland title, grab the clicker and go to...
Jackson State at TCU 7:00 p.m. FSN and FSNGo
Another stellar Texas FBS schools vs. FCS matchup. Oh, joy.
Listen, kids; you're going to want to buy into Kenny Hill after this game. You'll be tempted to write the "Kenny Hill for Heisman" or the "Kenny Hill Learns from His Mistakes" article. Resist that temptation. Kenny Hill will let you down.
He's the M. Knight Shyamalan of college quarterbacks. He comes out with Sixth Sense and you think "dude is a genius" but next thing you know you've wasted twenty bucks at the theater to see the Lady in the Water or After Earth.
Texas A&M at UCLA 6:00 p.m. Fox
Smell something burning? It's probably the fannies of both Kevin Sumlin and Jim Mora. Earlier this week, a paranoid Mora ended practice early for fear of spies watching from a nearby hotel. Silly Jim, like any Aggie fans could afford a hotel in Westwood.
And now, your moment of Zen:
Not College Football, but you'll forgive us for a trip down memory lane.
RIP Rollie Massimino. In honor of Foster Sawyer, we give you college coaches shirtless, on or near boats. Or pools. Or just shirtless.