Week three is here. A little advice, don't let anyone check your cholesterol until at least March of next year. Your body needs to cycle through the wings and cheese dip. It's nature running its course. We've got a big week ahead of us, and we can't let something like personal health or hygiene distract us.
All Times Texas.
Arizona at UTEP 9:00 ESPN
The Miners look more like a M.A.S.H. unit than a football team this week. They lost four players to season ending injuries last week plus another four or five who'll miss this week.
According to Sean Kugler, the Miners are so banged up they'll be suiting up walk-ons and transients to fill out the roster.
Couldn't be worse.
Louisiana Lafayette at Texas A&M 11 a.m. SEC Network
A&M squeezed by Nichols State and are, in classic river boat gambler fashion, doubling down on lesser known Louisiana schools with Louisiana Lafayette. That takes some serious balls considering the Aggies aren't like, you know, good at football.
Baylor at Duke 11:30 FSN
We're not saying Matt Rhule's in trouble but the last person to leave Waco with a fire burning of this magnitude was ordered there by Janet Reno. That's real, authentic Branch Davidian humor kids.
Baylor has a new quarterback, a new center, a new starting corner...screw it, let's just say Baylor is searching for answers. Those answers are probably not found on the Baylor roster.
SMU at TCU 2:30 ESPNU
It's the Iron Skillet Game between the Methodists and Christians! Tie the old sweater around your neck, pull out your topsiders and get ready for the fun. SMU hasn't been 3-0 since their salary cap went down in the mid 80's. If they win on Saturday get ready because the Sigma Chi's and the PIKES are going to lose their minds and hit up the trust fund. Hard.
North Texas at Iowa 2:30 ESPN2
The Mean Green head to flyover country for a game against Iowa. It's a land of butter sculpture, corn, and thick ankled women.
The last time North Texas went to Iowa, the Hawkeyes put 62 on the Mean Green. Do you realize how hard that is for a team that employs a fullback? It's like jumping the grand canyon on a big wheel. That wasn't the low point for North Texas in 2015, no that came two weeks later when Portland State came to Denton, on homecoming no less, and dropped 66 on the Mean Green. Then the Vikings made out with the homecoming queen and kicked the king in the junk.
The good news was that Dan McCarney resigned a few hours later. Here's to better days.
Appalachian State at Texas State 6:00 ESPN3
Texas State played Colorado last week and now get Appy State at home. They're going from marijuana to crystal meth, from folks who ski on the weekend to folks who brew their own shine. To our friends from Boone, North Carolina, enjoy the wonders of San Marvelous. Hit up the outlet malls and enjoy the indoor plumbing. You'll never want to leave, but your parole officer only gave you a 48 hr pass, so you'll need to head back.
Southern at UTSA 6:00 KCWX
Last week UTSA won its first ever Power 5 game and how did the local fish wrap commemorate the event? By running a full color front page article of Texas' win over San Jose State. Dear Express News, you're not good at newspapering.
UTSA celebrates by bombing out a SWAC team.
Tune in for halftime when the Human Juke Box will throw down fo' real.
Arizona State at Texas Tech 7:00 FSN
Allow us to introduce the new and improved Texas Tech Red Raiders, full of defensive goodness and tackling and such. Folks in Lubbock haven't seen real tackling since the Clinton administration. The PA announcer had to explain to those in attendance why Eastern Washington wasn't running free and celebrating in the end zone after plays. Koach Kliff goes from checkers to chess with a visit from Arizona State.
We can all agree that ASU Todd Graham is a terrible person and his happiness harms the environment. Rally around the Red Raiders America, Tech is doing the Lord's work on Saturday night.
Rice at Houston 7:00 ESPN3
If SMU and TCU is the battle of the trust fund buddies, then Rice and Houston is Radiohead vs. Paul Wall. West U. vs. 3rd Ward. A true culture war.
The Owls and Cougars play for something called the Bayou Bucket. If you ever see an actual bayou bucket, it's best just to move on; those things are usually filled with sewage material and Hepatitis Z.
Texas at USC 7:30 Fox
Anyone else tired of hearing about the 2006 Rose Bowl? Me too. It's not like the Longhorn Network isn't replaying it like TBS plays the Christmas Story on a loop. Now we've gotta hear about Reggie Bush and vacated wins.
Reggie Bush dated a Kardashian. Hell yes, his parent deserved a house. Kanye, Lamar Odom, Kris Humphries, Bruce Jenner, they all deserve a house. The government should set up a program to give anyone who dated a Kardashian free housing.