Welcome to week four.
Big weekend for us. The season is basically a quarter over. We're mathematically eliminating squads this week (careful not to stare at UTEP as they pack their things) and separating contenders from pretenders (A&M, make yourself at home).
Take copious notes; there will be a quiz at the end.
All times Texas.
Arkansas vs. Texas A&M (AT&T Stadium) 11:00 a.m. ESPN
Coach Bert is back to avenge six long years of Arkansas misery. The Razorbacks are wearing Dallas Cowboy one-off uniforms in honor of Jerry Jones. Maybe they could just deploy some call-girls throughout the stadium, seems like a more apt tribute.
Texas Tech at Houston 11:00 a.m. ABC
Bill Yeoman, Spike Dykes, Case Keenum, B.J. Symons, Andre Ware, Michael Crabtree, Wilson Whitley, Zach Thomas it's the SWC reborn! And yet we threw it all away so Texas Tech can schedule a home and homes with West Virginia. Great move guys.
Soak it all in Saturday morning, Houston will be playing East Carolina in a conference game before you know it.
TCU at Oklahoma State 2:00 p.m. ESPN
This one'll be a shootout of the highest order. Dare we say..A POINT EXPLOSION!
While we're here, so Mike Gundy grew a mullet. Half the guys in my high school had mullets, and they barely get steady work welding or working fries. Okie State will be the next test for Kenny Trill's September Heisman campaign. He's won the award before.
Oklahoma at Baylor 5:30 p.m. FS1
The Baylor dumpster fire is hot and heavy boys. Now to add insult to injury, flag planting Baker Mayfield comes to town. It might get biblical in Waco Saturday evening, and not the good biblical if you're a Bear fan.
If we may paraphrase from Revelation 13, "Then I saw a second beast, coming out of the earth. It ran the Bear Raid Offense, but it spoke like with a pronounced Texas accent. It exercised all the authority of the first beast on its behalf, and made the inhabitants of Waco worship the Run/Pass Option, whose fatal wound, illegal linemen downfield, was never called. And it performed great signs, even causing the Baylor program to collapse upon itself and help gift the third beast, Baker Mayfield, a Heisman in his ninth year of collegiate servitude."
Let's all agree to get to church on Sunday.
UAB at North Texas 5:30 p.m. beIN
beIN sports take a break from bringing you La Liga to bring you UAB's triumphant return to CUSA.
Last week North Texas took a lead into the second half against Iowa. Then the Hawkeyes went full-Big 10 on North Texas. Those thick ankled, corn-fed monsters got the best of the Mean Green last week. UAB doesn't have the ankle size to pull that off.
UTSA at Texas State 6:00 p.m. WatchESPN
The Commuter School vs. the School that is 1-1 all-time against the Deaf and Dumb School.
Everett Withers is brewing something in San Marvelous. Last year he ended up with a shit sandwich. This year, he's got some lettuce and tomatoes to work with.
Maybe some UTSA students can take in the game on their way home to get their laundry done.
Arkansas State at SMU 6:00 p.m. WatchESPN
Fresh off a carjacking in Fort Worth, the Mustangs come home to take on the Red Wolves of Arkansas State.
The Red Wolves used to be the Indians, until 2008. Since that time, we assume, there are no confirmed reports of any discriminatory acts targeting Native Americans. However, no one cares about how we've marginalized our red wolf population.
FIU at Rice 6:30 p.m. Stadium Sports/Facebook
Welcome to the future, real football on Facebook. Cat memes and first person POV cooking tutorials will never be the same.
While we're here, let's all welcome Butch Davis back to college football. Davis is famous for 1) reinventing the U and 2) taking the Cleveland Browns to the Playoffs. That second note is a legitimate miracle. We should get Butch Davis on cancer or global warming.
UTEP at New Mexico State 7:00 p.m. WatchESPN
The I-10 Rivalry features not one but two trophies, a brass spittoon, and a silver spade.
Go out in your backyard and measure 51 feet. It's not far. But that's how far UTEP carried the ball the last week. They were trying to take the ball further but couldn't. 51 feet. Maybe we can go ahead and use that spade to bury the 2017 Miner season. It seems humane.
And now, your moment of Zen.