As Jon Bon Jovi said, whoa, we’re halfway there, whoa-whoa, living on a prayer; it’s week seven, we’re halfway through the regular season, and your significant other is all the way done. She’s probably taking the kids for a “long weekend” at her mom’s house. Yes, that’s drastic, but she’s doing what she needs to do; the same way you take drastic measures to get through a full football Saturday when you wear your stretchy shorts and test the limits of your bladder.
All that preseason bladder work starts to pay off this weekend.
Times are Texas. Deal with it.
Saturday, October 20th
Oklahoma at TCU
11:00 am ABC / espn3 Video
Rough few weeks for TCU and Oklahoma. The Sooners went and fired a Stoops brother. The last school that did that is now cursed to watch Noel Mazzone run bubble screens. Non-stop bubble screens.
New Oklahoma defensive coordinator Ruffin McNeill gets to ease into his new role by facing a TCU offense that made Texas Tech look like the ‘85 Chicago Bears a week ago.
TCU’s lost more commitments this week than Elizabeth Warren.
We haven’t seen a lizard look this discombobulated since the first 30 minutes of Rango.
Houston at Navy
2:30 pm CBSSN / CBSSN Video
Navy hasn’t taken this many losses since the Battle of Guadalcanal.
Ah, the AAC West matchup that will let Houston fly over several schools east of Navy before landing in Maryland. They’re never going to let you in the Power 5 if you can’t use a compass.
This has all the markings of a game that could light Cougar Twitter aflame with Fire Major Applewhite Tweets. We’d urge confidence for Houston fans; Mark D’Onofrio shut down several option teams when he was coaching in the Dade County Youth League.
Kansas at Texas Tech
2:30 pm FS1 / FSGo Video
After one of the most significant wins in Koach Kliff’s tenure at Tech, the Red Raiders get that favorite of all Big 12 desserts, a Kansas Cupcake.
At this point, Big 12 schools should give David Beaty parting gifts at each of these stops. May we suggest gift certificates for counseling sessions or handles of brown liquor.
UTEP at Louisiana Tech
2:30 pm $espn+ Video
Continue to collect canned goods and cigarettes for our friends in El Paso. They’re halfway to a record for losses in college football. Unpopular opinion alert, we say go for it. Why waste these last eighteen ball games by coming up short on the big prize. It’s like losing the Cliffhanger on the Price is Right and then choosing not to spin the wheel for a shot to participate in the Showcase Showdown.
But in case you’re not into setting a record, we’re officially instituting the “Rush Whatever Field/Park/Yard Your Closest To” prerogative should UTEP break its epic losing streak. Pro-tip, don’t put on your running shoes this week.
SMU at Tulane
2:30 pm ESPNU / WatchESPN Video
After last season’s SMU game, whenever anyone mentions that football is a game of inches, Willie Fritz breaks out in hives.
SMU has to win four of their next six to qualify for a bowl game. If they can’t beat Tulane, they’ll have to go 4-1, something the Mustangs haven’t done since they got under the salary cap.
Pony fans are glad Chad Morris dumped them after old ball coach Chad blew it against Ole Miss last Saturday. The only thing lower than Mississippi’s win probability in the fourth quarter was the state’s literacy rate.
Texas State at Louisiana Monroe
6:00 pm ESPN Extra / espn3 Video
This week Everett Withers announced that he's considering handing over Texas State’s play calling index card to someone else.
Perhaps the Texas State biology department should start trying to clone Keenen Brown or at least extract his DNA so we can clone him for the great robot wars to come.
One man hasn’t had this much responsibility for the lives of others since John McClane was crawling around Nakatomi Plaza.
UTSA at Southern Miss
6:00 pm $espn+ Video
The first team to score an offensive touchdown between UTSA and Rice gets a free set of steak knives.
Fans haven’t been this desperate for a JoJo since Fixer Upper went off the air.
It’s hard to tell which has a harder time getting downfield, UTSA’s offense or its box cannon.
North Texas at UAB
6:30 pm beIN / Video (not on DirecTV)
The Blazers and Mean Green will ply their craft in television purgatory, the beIN sports network whose motto is “Come and try to find us!”
North Texas fans get the pleasure of watching UAB head coach Bill Clark audition for the Auburn job. Actually since the game’s on beIN, North Texas fans get the pleasure of reading about the game on Sunday. CUSA’s TV deal is a genius attempt to revitalize the newspaper industry.
Rice at Florida International
6:30 pm $espn+ Video
Rice head to sunny South Florida, which is convenient because the Owl offense has been on vacation for several weeks anyway.
Can you name the last team that found its starting quarterback on the kick off coverage team? Well, meet the 2018 Rice Owls.
We’d green light an Odd Couple revival staring Lane Kiffin and red-ass Butch Davis. We’ll get to see Lane work on DJ’ing and offering scholarships to 6th graders while Butch sits in his recliner and starts every sentence with "The thing about Tim Couch…” or “When the tutors were writing all those papers for our players at North Carolina…” We’d watch.