We’re six weeks in, and we want to offer anyone of you who want out the chance, right now, no judgment, no questions asked, to tap out. Listen, you’ve done great, some of us are built to see things through, and some of us can’t handle a whole Western Bacon from Carls Jr. No worries, you probably bailed halfway through the line to the old Skyscreamer. You haven’t updated your fantasy football team in weeks. You aren’t a finisher. You can probably live with that. The rest of us will carry on, full speed, mostly badass, and all out. You stay here.
For the rest of us, all times Texas. El Paso, work it out.
Tulsa at Houston
7:00 pm ESPN / WatchESPN Video
It’s like a family reunion in H-Town, Phillip Montgomery, Kendal Briles, Randy Clements, Carlton Buckles, Beau Trahan all getting together from Art Briles’ staff at Baylor. Oh to be a fly on the wall after the game as these guys chop it up about the good old days of coaching in the college football equivalent of international waters, working for a university that lacked any institutional control.
Last year Tulsa won exactly two games, one of those was a bizarre 45-17 blitzkrieg of your Houston Cougars. That’s what happens when you shop for your defensive coordinator at a YMCA Rec league field.
Oklahoma vs. Texas (Dallas)
11:00 amFOX / FSGo Video
For the first time since 2013, both programs are ranked coming into the Red River Shootout. Yes, we’re well aware that calling the game a shootout may trigger some of you, we’d encourage you to get to your safe space and try to smother yourself with a pillow. We’ll be eating fried butter and getting motion sickness on the AirMax.
Lincoln Riley’s such a hardass. He suspended Kyler Murray four plays last weekend because Kyler missed a meeting. Last season he suspended Baker Mayfield two plays for grasping genitalia in Kansas’ general direction.
You want your kids to learn discipline and life’s hard lessons? Send them to Lincoln, and if they get out of line, he’ll make them count to 12 Mississippi before letting them play.
Most think this is a prequel to the Big 12 title game, or, as it’s informally known, Big 12 Playoff Elimination Saturday.
Stephen F. Austin at Sam Houston State
1:00 pm espn3 Video
A brief departure, off our regular grid, but if you’re a fan of PYFW, you know we can’t let the dadgum “Battle of the Piney Woods” sneak by without a mention. Just as Texas/OU take the shootout out of their rivalry, SFA and Sam go at it for a trophy with shootin’ irons all over it.
This year SFA stepped up to the big time - suspending and then accepting the resignation of their head coach in August. SFA called his behavior a violation of university policy. Rumor has it he engaged in what Arkansas fan might call the “Full Petrino” minus the Harley and neck-brace, what the Southern Baptist Convention calls falling prey to a vile temptress.
Speaking of the Southern Baptist Convention…
Kansas State at Baylor
2:30 pm FS1 / FSGo Video
Bill Snyder came out and told the leering press in the Little Apple that he was done talking about his questionable quarterback decisions and they could “write what the hell you want to write.”
Snyder’s always been an ardent defender of the First Amendment; he went to junior high with a couple of the drafters.
In this week’s episode of “What the F is going on in Waco?” accusations arose that a Baylor regent referred to African American player using a racist term. In next week’s episode, Baylor builds a nuclear-fueled missile and loads it full of kittens, guest starring Tori Spelling and Andy Dick.
Kentucky at Texas A&M
6:00 pm ESPN / WatchESPN Video
The college football world was shocked at Jimbo Fisher grabbing Tyrel Dodson’s facemask. He’s a real throwback. Back in the day if you didn’t get your facemask pulled, your coach didn’t love or respect you. Of course, back then, hydration was a sign of weakness. The treatment for a concussion involved two aspirin and a cup of “stop acting like a p***y.”
You think Jimbo was rough with Dodson, you should’ve seen him man-handle that Christmas tree to the curb in Tallahassee last December.
SMU at UCF
6:00 pm ESPNU / WatchESPN Video
The People’s Champ, UCF, welcomes Sonny’s Traveling Quarterback Controversy to Orlando.
Former Oklahoma quarterback Josh Heupel took over the Golden Knight program. He finished second in 2000 the Heisman voting, depriving trivia buffs of the answer to the question “worst Heisman winner since Gino Torretta other than Jason White?”
Scott Frost left powerhouse UCF to try to build Nebraska into a contender. This is why you never take a lesser job, no matter its sentimental value. After a 0-4 start, Nebraska fans are longing for Bill Callahan.
Louisiana Lafayette at Texas State
6:00 pm $espn+ Video
Everett “How about we establish our authority with a QB draw?” Withers will once again run his ragtag bunch of Bobcats onto the Wacker Field turf in front of roughly 47 friends and family.
Texas State is set to announce a significant stadium upgrade, a walk-way directly from the tailgate parking lot to the San Marcos Square.
UTSA at Rice
6:00 pm espn3 Video
It’s a battle for fifth place in CUSA West!
After beating Texas State and UTEP, UTSA is technically on a winning streak. We haven’t seen a someone feast on that much dead meat since Shark Week.
Never say prayers, and threats of violence don’t work Roadrunner fans, it’s been three weeks since Frank Wilson felt compelled to play his backup quarterback.
Rice must’ve left their wallet at home last weekend because when they got to Wake Forest, they only had two quarters.
Instead of a Turnover Chain, Rice defenders get to dig through a box with back issues of “Popular Mechanics” and “Scientific American” in it.
North Texas at UTEP
6:30 pm beIN / Video (not on DirecTV)
Another CUSA game shown exclusively on beIN, the WB of sports networks.
Hate the break the news to you Mean Green fans, but last week’s loss probably knocks you out of playoff contention. Might have to settle for a Sugar Bowl bid or turn them down and slum it in the Fiesta.
As for UTEP, not even the Chileans can rescue these Miners.
UTEP continues to lengthen its lead for the longest active losing streak, a title no one wants, like state comptroller.