Planning Your Football Weekend: Week 7

Alright, ladies and gents, we’re going hard on Thursday night so the five or six of you with actual jobs, you’re gonna want to go ahead and lay the groundwork to call in sick on Friday. On Thursday, mope around, bags under your eyes, shirt untucked, looking pathetic. On second thought, most of you probably look like anyway on a Thursday. Just tell your boss you're driving to Panama City to help with Hurricane relief.

Hunker down, all times Texas.

Thursday, October 11th

Georgia Southern at Texas State

6:30 pm ESPNU / WatchESPN Video

In the spirit of Junior Varsity football, Georgia Southern and Texas State meet at dusk on a Thursday.

The Athletic Department is ditching Withers’ “Just Win 3” initiative for a “Let’s try to outdraw San Marcos High” plan.

Texas Tech at TCU

6:30 pm ESPN / WatchESPN Video

Texas Tech will have all three quarterbacks available for Thursday’s game but just five working lungs between them.

Koach Kliff continues to audition for offensive coordinator positions in 2019. He’ll need to be discreet slipping Gary Patterson his resume.

Loser of this one is banished to what’s known as Kansas Land in the Big 12 Standings.

Saturday, October 13th

UAB at Rice

12:00 pm $espn+ Video

Last week Bill Clark’s wife started putting together her audition tape for the Real Housewives of the SEC. She’s going fit right in.

Last week Rice ran 37 times. Those 37 carries got the Owls 47 yards or 1.3 yards a tote. There are Nigerian email scams with a higher rate of return.

The Owls were less offensive than a Jeff Foxworthy special.

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Southern Miss at North Texas

1:00 pm espn3 Video

USM head coach Jay Hopson has to start every team meeting with “Hi, I’m Jay, and I lost to Louisiana Monroe.”

Let’s just say we’ll be curious to see North Texas’ attendance for Saturday’s critical CUSA West tilt at Apogee since their playoff chances diminished.

That collective groan you head last Saturday night were the cries of degenerate gamblers as the Mean Green failed to cover against UTEP. UTEP.

Baylor at Texas

2:30 pm ESPN / WatchESPN Video

You’re probably going to hear the ESPN broadcast crew talk about the storied rivalry between Texas and Baylor. It’s true if you’re willing to ignore actual results, competitive balance, and the 20th century.

By the way, congratulations to Baylor for not receiving any NCAA notices this week!

Last week's epic Texas win was full of drama - Oklahoma fans pulling for little Kyler, Texas fans cheering for Dicker the Kicker, everyone else hoping for a well placed meteor strike on the Cotton Bowl.

Texas A&M at South Carolina

2:30 pm SEC Network / WatchESPN Video

In a series that simultaneously launched Texas A&M’s 2014 version of “We’re the National Champions of September” and “just hand Kenny ‘Trill’ Hill the Heisman,” we bring you the Aggies vs. Gamecocks.

Kids, there was a time, way back in 2008, when Texas was tripping over themselves to make Will Muschamp the Longhorn’s “Coach in Waiting?” I know, he seems to have the perfect temperament for Austin.

Shockingly Vanilla Gorilla spurned the Horns and took over Urban Meyer’s Florida program. Urban had famously burned out from all the pressure associated with winning another national title while lowering his squad’s murder rate. Muschamp failed at Florida, but ankle monitors slowed several of the players he inherited from Meyer.

Houston at East Carolina

6:00 pm CBSSN / CBSSN Video

East Carolina continues its “Why the Hell Did We Fire Ruffin McNeal For This Guy?” by welcoming the Coogs.

Houston continues to unleash 52 minutes of frustration and eight minutes of fury on its opponents. Not unlike your honeymoon.

Among Cougar fans, Major Applewhite pings back and forth between genius and “fire his ass” more than a Kardashian pings between marginal NBA players.

Louisiana Tech at UTSA

6:00 pm $espn+ Video

We don’t know what Skip Holtz did to get sentenced to Ruston, but it must’ve been awful. Ruston is beautiful this time of year; you can stand in one place and see both Waffle Houses.

Congrats to the Roadrunners on their three-game winning streak. Before you ask, yes, beating Texas State, UTEP, and Rice in successive weeks counts as a winning streak. We asked around.

Frank Wilson is always preaching consistency, maybe that’s why the new, ineffective UTSA offense consistently looks like the old, ineffective UTSA offense.

Your Moment of Zen:

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