Planning Your Football Weekend: Week 12

Big, long weekend of football is coming. It starts tonight with a doubleheader, carries forward to tomorrow and then slams home on Saturday. It’s a marathon, which in your condition, is not medically advisable. If you get tired, fall slightly over on the couch onto the bed of Cheetos that have accumulated.

All Times Texas.

Thursday, November 15th

Tulane at Houston

7:00 pm ESPN / WatchESPN Video

If you’ve got traffic issues, enlist the help of the Houston defense. They’ll get things running free and clear in under a week.

Cougar fans, with this being the last home game, take the opportunity to say goodbye to Mark D’Onofrio. He’s available to coordinate your YMCA or I-9 squad’s defense starting in 2019.

Florida Atlantic at North Texas

8:30 pm CBSSN / CBSSN Video

The Lane Train comes to Texas, hide your daughters and DJ booths.

Lane’s about the be the tannest man in the history West Lafayette.

North Texas continues to lead college football in clutching defeat from the jaws of victory, first Louisiana Tech, then UAB, and now Old Dominion.

A visitor hasn’t given up that much of a lead in Virginia since Bull Run.

Friday, November 16th

Memphis at SMU

8:00 pm ESPN2 / WatchESPN Video

Who draws a bigger crowd Friday night - Highland Park vs. Frisco Independence or Memphis vs. SMU?

We assume playing a conference game on the first Friday night of the Texas High School playoffs draws some sort of fine or expulsion for the AAC by the Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton.

SMU allowed 50 points to UConn and made a Randy Edsel team look semi-competent on Saturday which probably is enough to Edsel an extension.

Saturday, November 17th

TCU at Baylor

11:00 am FS1 / FSGo Video

HOLY SHIT! HOLY WAR! Baptists vs. Christians the 2018 Edition.

Speaking of the Old Testament, Baylor’s Greg Roberts tried to smite the hell out of David Montgomery last week.

It’s a “blackout game” in Waco this weekend, which had an entirely different connotation during the Briles era.

Texas State at Troy

12:00 pm $espn+ Video

Welcome back Texas State. After a two-game winning streak it was nice to know you could still put together an incompetent effort like that. Never forget what go you here.

We’re not saying Everett Withers is done, but Larr Teis was blasting Bone Thugs-n-Harmony’s Crossroad from the stereo of his Honda Accord and doing donuts in the Wacker Field parking lot.

Meanwhile Troy is branding itself as the Boise of the South. They only lack a blue field and anyone to give a shit.

Texas Tech at Kansas State

2:30 pm ESPNU / WatchESPN Video

Hey, look kids, two coaches who won’t be coaching in 2019.

Bill Snyder’s already lined up a sweet gig greeting at his local Wal-Mart.

You ever had deja vu where no matter how hard you try, you’re just average? Welcome to the Kingsbury era at Tech.

UTSA at Marshall

2:30 pm Facebook or Stadium Video

West Virginia: Come for the Opioids, Stay for the Football.

If you’re on campus, look for Frank Wilson’s table near the Convocation Center and stop by to sign up to start at quarterback this week. Offensive coordinator Al Borges will be there to teach you both plays.

At UTSA’s football banquet the offensive highlight video will be 45 seconds of pass attempts that didn’t result in a sack or interception.

UAB at Texas A&M

6:00 pm ESPN2 / WatchESPN Video

According to A&M tradition, this weekend is known as the weekend before the LSU loss.

You’ll get to see a real live SEC team at Kyle Field Saturday night. Unfortunately for Aggie fans, they’ll be wearing green and gold.

Thanks to UAB for playing A&M, knowing it’ll hurt the Blazers’ strength of schedule.

Rice at LSU

6:30 pm ESPNU / WatchESPN Video

We want to bring in UN Observers for Saturday, this has all the makings of a humanitarian disaster.

The two coaches will meet at midfield before kick off to so Rice can count the briefcase full of money LSU’s paying them and make sure it’s not rolls of half off buffet coupons to the Isle of Capri.

Coach O is excited to play dem Rice Owls, ya boy. We’d lay money that Coach O’s eaten owl at some point in his childhood or in the last month.

Rice’s intellectual brutality hashtag will only serve to confuse and enrage Coach O who doesn’t take kindly to multi-syllabic wordy things or book learnin’.

Iowa State at Texas

7:00 pm LHN / WatchESPN Video

How’s your week been, Tom? Uneventful we’d bet.

We’re shocked a straight shooter and decent guy like Zach Smith would put anyone on blast via social media.

We imagine the conversation goes something like this at the Herman household, “So…hey honey, yeah, so before you log onto Twitter, you know about the Florida strip clubs and stuff. We talked about that a couple of months ago. Yeah, with the guy we knew who beat up his wife. But hey, the chicken wings at that place were, I gotta tell you, amazing. Oh and then maybe I slept with an Asian massage therapist. You know, now that I think of it there was also this recruiting hostess from Iowa State. Other than that, the pot roast is delicious. Did you add more carrots this time?”

Tom’s hoping his wife catches Urban Meyer’s memory issues.

UTEP at Western Kentucky

6:30 pm beIN / Video (not on DirecTV)

For once CUSA’s terrible TV deal does us a favor and puts this game on beIN.

The announced attendance at last weeks Middle Tennessee/UTEP game was under 10,000. There were dental procedures with better attendance.

Western Kentucky wants to fire Mike Sanford; they’re gathering up chickens and corn to pay off his buyout as we speak.

Now Your Moment of Zen…

And Your Moment of Leach…

The Roundup…