Planning Your (Holiday) Football Weekend

Crank up the Bone Thugs-n-Harmony because after Saturday we’ll be seeing a lot of Round Up squads at the crossroads. I miss my Uncle Charles ya’ll! We’re thankful for so much in this season of pre-Christmas gluttony. Mostly we’re grateful for you, our bloated, nearly divorced, nose blind readership. We couldn’t have done any of this without you. That’s a lie; we were doing this when none of you were reading any of it. We were way funnier when the bar was lower.

Drink it in.

All times Texas unless you’re in El Paso. You can blame Sir Sandford Fleming for that.

Friday, November 23rd

Houston at Memphis

11:00 am ABC / espn3 Video

We’re thankful that the AAC West decided to stage a divisional championship game. It won’t help their TV revenue, and most folks will still be in a tryptophan-induced stupor when this kicks off, but the pageantry of a half-filled Liberty Bowl shouldn’t be missed.

Ed Oliver’s on track to play on Friday; Major promised to let him wear one of those sweet sideline jackets.

Major Applewhite got out early to shop Black Friday deals for a new meniscus for D’Eriq King and a competent defensive coordinator.

Texas at Kansas

11:00 am FS1 / FSGo Video

Tune in for the last painful strains of the David Beaty era at Kansas. It’ll prepare you for a couple of years from now when you’ll tune in for the last painful strains of the Les Miles era.

Kansas celebrated Thanksgiving early. They paid $2.75 million a year for a leftover.

Relax Kansas fans; we’re sure Les has spent the last two years perfecting his clock management skills and understanding the forward pass.

Fair warning, if this game is close in the fourth quarter, the internet will implode and go dark. It’s the only thing that can save the Cable companies.

Saturday, November 24th

Baylor vs. Texas Tech (Arlington)

11:00 am FS1 / FSGo Video

You’d think the Baptists would’ve been better prepared for a crafty reptile.

One of these teams will scrape and claw their way to mediocrity and a spend the Holidays in Phoenix with the overly tanned locals at something called the “Cheeze-It Bowl.”

If Kliff gets fired your wife or girlfriend that doesn’t follow sports will cry harder than when Matthew Crawley wrecked his car on Downton Abbey.

Old Dominion at Rice

12:00 pm $espn+ Video

We’re thankful that Rice is still playing football. If your one win was against SWAC team in week zero and you’d been pummeled the way these poor, smart kids have, you would’ve quit right around the time that UTEP was rushing your field. Hell, we’d have to take your shoelaces and belt away.

Rice made $1.4 million last week for their trip to LSU; the most money paid for a stiff since the lead in Weekend at Bernie’s.

Jack Fox’s punting ability is considered cultural appropriation by the Australians.

Southern Miss at UTEP

2:00 pm $espn+ Video

After Saturday's trip to Western Kentucky it’s clear that UTEP is a second-half team. The game was an homage to the Great Depression because the Miners could only come up with two quarters.

Folks said Western Kentucky’s 40 point first half was like they were playing against air. That’s not fair; air provides some pressure.

Western Kentucky was so inhospitable to the Miners; you’d have thought UTEP was handing out library cards.

Dana Dimel misses Rice worse that chubby kid in his first week on the Atkins Diet.

SMU at Tulsa

2:30 pm CBSSports

All that stands between SMU and a bowl game is Tulsa. Golden Hurricane coach Phillip Montgomery’s won four games in his last two seasons, a level of success UTEP can only dream of.

SMU caught the holiday spirit; the Ponies gave the AAC West title to Houston and Memphis.

Nice of Sonny Dykes to continue to let Ben Hicks audition for grad transfer destinations. Maybe hand out some headshots as well Ben.

Arkansas State at Texas State

3:00 pm espn3 Video / KVNA (cable)

The Trump White House thinks Texas State Athletics is dysfunctional.

Screw it Larry, try and hire Bobby Petrino or Art Briles or Kim Jong-un. (FYI Larry, two of those guys are ruthless dictators, and the third is Kim Jong-un.) You’re the most hated man in San Marvelous, at least go out trying to win or burn it all down. Sorry, you’ve already burned it all down, try to win.

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At least Everett Withers doesn’t have to watch his team play again.

North Texas at UTSA

6:00 pm $espn+ Video

The Rivalry of the New Millennium is dampened a bit by North Texas propensity for shitting the proverbial second-half bed and UTSA scoring less than A.C. Green.

Roadrunner coach Frank Wilson promises to open up the playbook for this one which we can only assume is a threat.

The Roadrunners have run for fewer yards in 2018 than Stephen Hawking.

LSU at Texas A&M

6:30 pm SEC Network / WatchESPN Video

A&M Football: #1 in your hears, fourth or fifth in the SEC West.

Folks like to bang on the SEC’s mid-November cupcake buffet, but technically A&M playing UAB raised the conference’s strength of schedule.

The last time A&M beat the Tigers, Forest Gump won the Oscar for best picture.

Speaking of overpaid simpletons, it’s always a good idea to remind our younger readers that Coach O once coached at Ole Miss and sold Hummers for a local dealership, with no subtitles.

Oklahoma State at TCU

7:00 pm FOX / FSGo Video

Congrats to Oklahoma State on their upset of West Virginia. West Virginia fans weren’t shocked, they’re used to a guy in a mullet supplying downers.

Like the Walking Dead series, Gary Patterson’s program will not quit no matter how many of their main characters are taken out.

If TCU is going to a bowl, they’ll rely on Grayson Muehlstein. Muehlstein is German for “the only quarterback available.”

And Now You’re Moment of Zen…

And Now Your Moment of Leach…

The Roundup…