Welcome back to College Football ladies and gentlemen. It's a full weekend of the collegiate game before the guys who get paid, A&M excepted, take over Sundays in a week. You've got a long day of sitting coming up, just like your average workday but you'll actually be productive this weekend. Shirts are optional. Yes ladies, we are aware of those implications. Let's commit to pants or at least a pull over moo moo. If you want to belt it, we aren't here to judge.
Let's get to the games, all times listed are in the Texas Time Zone or TTZ. El Paso, adjust or conform, it's your choice.
Northwestern State at Texas A&M
7:30 pm SEC Network / WatchESPN Video
Nothing says "Hey World, we're ready to compete on the national stage" quite like a Thursday night opener vs. a middling Southland squad.
Jimbo's making his debut in Aggieland but given reports of cash exchanges in restrooms, it's like he's been here all along.
Friday night get out and support your local high school team while they exist. They'll be fielding Fortnite squads in a decade or so.
You'd better have multiscreen capabilities because the 11 o'clock hour is going to be like a Black Friday run on off-brand TVs at your local Wal-Mart. Grab a cart and an axe handle from the outdoor section and keep up. Chaos is coming.
Houston at Rice
11:00 am CBSSN / CBSSN Video
The Bayou Bucket is BACK!
Based on early returns Rice is the equivalent of a fourth-place SWAC Western Division team. Thank God they didn't schedule Alcorn State last week.
After last week, if Rice punter Jack Fox isn't on your Heisman list then you're clearly racist against punters or a puntist.
Major Applewhite's on his march for nine wins. If he doesn't get it with this team he's allegedly on the hot seat. If he doesn't beat Rice he's Ubering back to 3rd Ward.
Ed Oliver gets to kick start his own Heisman campaign by throwing a bunch of future chemists and mathmagicians around. Finally, a world where the physically superior have a chance.
Texas vs. Maryland
From Landover 11:00 am FS1 / FSGo Video
Texas goes to the Nation's Capital to play a Maryland team whose recent scandals have made Ohio State cringe.
Tom Herman, according to reports, turned former Ohio State coach Zach Smith into the University for going to a strip club during a recruiting trip to Florida. Listen Tom, rule one is never turn a bro in for going to a strip club. Rule two: going to strip clubs in Florida IS recruiting in many parts of the state. You have to follow the talent.
Ohio State confirmed that Tom was actually AT the strip club with Zach Smith helping put girls through grad school.
This prompts a thrown together list of the top three Roundup Coaches to spend a night on the town with and the top three we'll take a pass on.
Our Top Three
1) Major Applewhite - Don't let the Woody from Toy Story looks fool you, no doubt that dude parties.
2) Frank Wilson - Have you seen the way Frank dresses for media days and such? Our guy knows how to handle business.
3) Jimbo Fisher - Daddy Warbucks is buying rounds ALL. NIGHT. LONG.
Our Bottom Three
1) Tom Herman - Goes without saying. Tom's gonna put our business on blast. F-that Tom.
2) Kliff Kingsbury - We ain't getting a sniff if Kliff's with us. We have no shot.
3) Mike Bloomgren - If Bloomgren puts on his google glasses we may as well go back to his house early for board games and to listen to his records.
Ole Miss vs. Texas Tech
From Houston 11:00 am ESPN / WatchESPN Video
Feel that? It's getting warm in here for Koach Kliff. He's got to find at least seven wins on his schedule or he's toast. Seth Littrell was reportedly allowed to go into Kliff's office and claim it by urinating in areas of his choosing.
Ole Miss starts its second season post Hugh Freeze who must've been shocked when he heard the news that Urban Meyer deleted old information from his phone. Hugh could've kept that information about calling escort services and what not under wraps. He was last seen walking into a Cracker Barrel mumbling to no one in particular "if only we'd had the technology two years ago."
Southern at TCU
11:00 am FSN / FSGo Video
A tradition like no other - TCU playing a SWAC school to start the year. If your cable company only gets FoxSports, then go ahead and tune in, but promise us you'll get a new cable company. Otherwise this is a hard pass.
Texas State at Rutgers
Ladies and gentlemen, the man in the photo to the right is the mastermind behind the Rutgers football credit card fraud ring. Tony Bag of Donuts here needed some cash to pay off parking tickets and stole credit cards to bilk his classmates out of almost $11,000. Allegedly.
Needless to say, the Scarlet Knights will be without the services of the eighth member of the Jersey Shore for the foreseeable future.
For Everett Withers the race for that elusive third win begins on Saturday. Some men dare to climb Everest, some are captains of industry. Everett just wants more than two wins. We had dreams too. Once. We traded them in for a tin of Pringles and that beef jerky with the cheese accompaniment.
Northern Arizona at UTEP
6:30 pm ESPN3 Video
We hate to do it Miners, but we have to put you on upset alert. Is it warranted? Look, Northern Arizona is a decent FCS school. We saw what a decent FCS school did to Rice last weekend. We also saw what Rice did to you guys last year in El Paso so the math checks out. Prove us wrong. We used to think hot dogs were sandwiches, look at us now.
By the way, don't go googling Dana Dimel's record at Houston. That was a long time ago and hey, he set the table for Art Briles, maybe he'll set the table for the next Miner coach, who might be Art Briles.
Holy shit, did we just stumble across the plot of Inception 2?
SMU at North Texas
6:30 pm Stadium Video
We've got a dandy in Denton. Sonny Dykes and his Mustangs travel to south Oklahoma to play the Mean Green. Chad moved onto Arkansas to spread the gospel of "Gee willikers guys, I'm just math teacher turned head ball coach." Oddly, we don't really miss him, he'd run his course. Enjoy finishing seventh in the SEC West Chad.
Sonny's just thrilled to be away from Berkeley and back in Texas where people like football, capitalism, America, and don't poop on the sidewalks. Sonny couldn't have survived the straw ban. Sweet tea wasn't meant to flow through paper.
The Mean Green want to draw their biggest crowd ever which means they'll have to take the protective plastic coverings off large portions of the north end zone.
The game is on Stadium, which recently hired Brett McMurphy, so we'll get to follow along as Zach Smith calls him a hack in the live stream Facebook comments.
This one's gonna get POINTSY!
Abilene Christian at Baylor
7:00 pm FSN / FSGo Video
Listen Baylor fans, I know you don't want to hear it, but as we found out last year - playing a small Christian liberal arts college in your home opener can get...messy. Baylor hasn't mourned that much since Chip and Jo Jo tapped out.
Matt Rhule took recruits to Chip and Jo Jo's Silo's establishment during official visits cause you know, eighteen-year-old high school football players are really into Aspen logs and shiplap.
ACU used to have strict curfew requirements for students and even sent out school officials to search bar parking lots for enrolled student's vehicles. What a great college experience, Wildcat fans should feel right at home in Waco.
UTSA at Arizona State
9:30 pm FS1 / FSGo Video
We're jazzed to see what happens when Herm Edwards realizes there are no 2-minute warnings in college football. It's fun watching people discover new things. Herm asked his administrative assistant to place two of players on the PUP list and ask Arizona how many draft picks they'd take for Khalil Tate.
UTSA fans will have to wait til damn near 10 to watch their team. Well, most UTSA students will have already watched "their team," i.e. the one from the t-shirts they sport walking to class, earlier on Saturday.
Now your first Leach Treatment for 2018.
Mike Leach sarcastically answers my question about how #WSU will prepare to play at #Wyoming (elevation 7,220): “Yeah we’ve got a machine where we remove all the oxygen from the air and make them breathe diminished oxygen and take deeper breaths and stuff like that.” pic.twitter.com/88PRuVZZlP— Theo Lawson (@TheoLawson_SR) August 22, 2018
God, we've missed you coach.