Planning Your Football Weekend: Week 4

Against all odds, you’ve survived this long. Color us impressed. Don’t let it go to your head, we’ve got a whole new weekend of college football coming high and hard. Let your guard slip and your wife, girlfriend, or side piece will grab the remote and make you watch a Hallmark movie. Vigilance is the price of liberty.

All times Texas. Synchronize swatches.

Saturday

Navy at SMU

11:00 am ESPN News / WatchESPN Video

Navy hasn’t faced a squad this beat up since the Battle of Manilla Bay.

SMU is 0-3, looking down the barrel of 0-4. June Jonesian levels of mediocrity. Someday Sonny will get a win with the Ponies and when he does, the dozen or so SMU fan in attendance will look up from their phones and appear pleased before returning to their instagram accounts.

Kansas at Baylor

2:30 pm FS1 / FSGo Video

The hottest team in college football comes to Waco. Kansas not only beat Rutgers, but scored 55 on the Scarlet Knights. The Jayhawks clock operator pressed digits never before used on the home side of the scoreboard.

Don’t get too down on yourself Matt Rhule. Lots of undefeated teams get exposed by Duke football. When the Blue Devils finish 7-5 and accept that bid to the Quick Lane Bowl, then people will understand Saturday’s effort.

Texas A&M at Alabama

2:30 pm CBS / CBS Video

You’re probably going to here about the A&M/Bama rivalry this week. CBS loves to play that stuff up. You’ll see grainy clips of Gene Stallings and no-so grainy video of Johnny Football. Since A&M beat Bama in 2012, the Tide are outscoring the Aggies by an average score of 41-19.

It’s like saying Hitler had a rivalry with Poland.

TCU at Texas

3:30 pm FOX (cable) / FSGo Video

The Frogs were awfully hospitable to Ohio State last week, giving the Buckeyes all those free points. If TCU is charitable to Texas on Saturday Gary Patterson will turn a shade of red that’s not in your crayon box.

Some are calling Texas’ win over USC the first “signature win” of Tom Herman’s Longhorn tenure, acting as though he didn’t beat Kansas last year.

TCU has had Texas’ number recently, winning four straight over the Horns. Tom is flat out tired of it. As we know, Tom Herman doesn’t give out his number unless you’re Florida stripper or Brett McMurphy.

North Texas at Liberty

5:00 pm espn3 Video 

Some in Arkansas want the NCAA to address Keegan Brewer’s fake fair catch play with a rule amendment. These same Razorback fans also want the NCAA to reprimand North Texas for scoring so many points and generally being meanies to Arkansas on Saturday.

Liberty hired former Baylor Athletic Director Ian McCaw for their vacant AD position five months after Baylor administrators asked for his resignation. It’s like Liberty took one look at the Baylor sexual assault scandal and said “there’s our guy.”

We’re shocked they didn’t offer Ken Starr a spot on their board of regents or the Baylor Police Chief a job ignoring phone calls.

Texas State at UTSA

6:00 pm $espn+ Video

The Battle of “Man, I Wish I’d Gotten Into Texas” is back for a third installment.

We need a new adjective for what Texas State does in the fourth quarter of conference games, “sucks out loud” is way too wordy. We look forward to the Bobcat’s offensive coordinator flipping to page two in the playbook this week and discovering more new and fun things to run besides the quarterback draw and the pick six play.

Frank Wilson said his starting quarterback needed a mental break on Saturday at K-State so he put in backup D.J. Gillins for a couple of series. This week, to avoid this issue, Wilson’s setting up a kitty therapy area and zen garden on the Roadrunner sideline just in case.

On Tuesday, UTSA announced plans for a new downtown campus. Apparently the powers that be thought the University wasn’t enough of a commuter school and parking needed to somehow get worse.

Texas Tech at Oklahoma State

6:00 pm FS1 / FSGo Video

Congrats to Koach Kliff and the Red Raiders for blugeoning Houston on Saturday. You probably saw one of the media’s talking points about how Alan Bowman threw for more yards than any Tech quarterback since Patrick Mahomes. Why can’t these writers just say “threw for more yards than Nic Shimonek,” that’s what they all mean.

The last time Tech beat Oklahoma State, Mike Leach was the Red Raider head coach. Since then the Cowboys have exposed them faster than a drunk groupie at a White Snake concert.

New Mexico State at UTEP

6:30 pm espn3 Video

The Aggies are still hung over from the Arizona Bowl win last season. They’re like your cousin who wins $200 in a scratch off and tell his boss at Wal-Mart to go ahead and f-off.

As many of you know, the UTEP Miners have been trapped for over 600 days without a win. In this dark time, we ask all Texans, and even some Americans to come together in a spirit of hope for our friends from the Sun City.

We are holding a supply drive at grocery and hardware stores near you. If you are aware of anyone who can throw a football or catch it, please consider dropping them off and we’ll ship them to the Miners. We’d like the kids in El Paso to witness a completed forward pass and maybe even a win before it’s too late.

Rice at Southern Miss

6:00 pm $espn+ Video

Rice enjoyed their bye week, presumably participating in number sense competitions and spelling bees. They get back to Intellectual Brutality against Southern Miss. Perhaps at this stage it’s more akin to Bookish Annoyance.

Either way, the Owls travels to Hattiesburg, Mississippi, voted one of the “Great Places in America” in 2011 by the American Planning Association, an organization that we assume lacks working internet and the ability to travel.

Texas Southern at Houston

7:00 pm espn3 Video

Texas Southern and Houston have never played on the football field. That’s a shame, because the schools are separated by half a mile, you could walk there, but we wouldn’t recommend it.

After Saturday we can only assume some scam Nigerian Prince email convinced Houston defensive coordinator Mark D’Onofrio to invest money in Alan Bowman’s Heisman Campaign. Nobody told Mark that unless you’re Johnny Manziel you don’t get paid to win the Heisman.

Major Applewhite is asking Kendal Briles if he’s got another brother who can coach defense.

And now, your moment of Zen.

Take special note of the block on #40, the kicker. #sniper