Planning Your Football Weekend: Week 5

Here we go, another full weekend of football. We’re in a groove now: we wake up on Saturday morning, don’t shower, refuse to brush our teeth, watch GameDay, turn off the part where Tom Rinaldi tries to make us cry, have lunch while we hit the 11 o’clock kickoffs, eat second lunch promptly at 2:15, pass out around 3:15, are woken by our children asking if “daddy’s ok?”, we catch our second wind, eat an entire bag of a Cheeto derivative for dinner, determine that the smell coming from the couch is in fact us, then cruise through the primetime games and fall asleep as Hawaii is kicking off at 11.

We are living the dream.

All times Texas. Deal with your own time change El Paso.


Arkansas vs. Texas A&M (Arlington)

11:00 am ESPN / WatchESPN Video

We’re torn, if the recent history of this series serves, A&M will mount a bold comeback and steal a victory in the last minute.

But if Chad “Hey Guys, I just want to coach ball and teach fractions” Morris’ season holds to form, the Aggies will hand the Razorbacks a McAss Kicking Supersized.

Either way, Bret Bielema will be lying in a kiddie pool of light beer and BBQ ribs somewhere.

West Virginia at Texas Tech

11:00 am ESPN2 / WatchESPN Video

Coach Holgo’s first trip to Texas in 2018. The Red Bull will flow like cream gravy at a Cracker Barrel on Saturday.

Just when you thought Koach Kliff couldn’t be any more attractive to your wife and/or girlfriend, he goes and grows the most glorious beard this side of Lovie Smith. Well played Kliff, you magnificent son-of-a-bitch.

Baylor at Oklahoma

2:30 pm ABC / espn3 Video

Baylor players can breath easy, Baker Mayfield is in the NFL. Last year Bakes threw the Bears off when, in pregame, he told them he was their daddy while wearing a fanny pack, a head band and a halter top - looking like he just got out of teaching the senior’s Jazzercise Class at the local Y.

The young Bears didn’t know whether to clapback or ask to borrow a tube of chapstick or a bandaid from his hip holster.

Rice at Wake Forest

2:30 pm ESPN Extra / ACC RSN / WatchESPN Video

Mike Bloomgren and his google glasses head east to take on Wake Forest. After the losing to Southern Miss last week, the Owls, like so many intellectuals and blues musicians before them, would rather never go back to Mississippi.

Wake Forest continues it’s proud lineage of fifth place finishes in the ACC Coastal Division Wait are they in the Coastal or the Atlantic? Never mind. that’s as unknowable as the Big 10’s “Legends” and “Leaders” divisions.

While the Big 10 lacked the foresight to avoid Rutgers like the plague, they did have the common sense to realize that you have to go with directional divisions here in America, otherwise we might as well just adopt the damn metric system.

Texas at Kansas State

2:30 pm FS1 / FSGo Video

Nothing screams “Texas is Back!” like grabbing a signature win against TCU and turning around and getting boat raced at Kansas State.

That’s on the line as Mensa Tom Herman meets Wizard Bill Snyder. Finally, Mensas vs. Wizards. One of those groups wears flamboyant clothing and their beliefs are based on illusion, folklore, and deception; while the other are Wizards.

Iowa State at TCU

6:00 pm ESPNU / WatchESPN Video

Why do we get the sense that Texas burst TCU’s balloon last week? Gary Patterson was seen sitting on the team bus after the game staring at a framed photo of Charlie Strong and muttering “God, I miss you Chuck.”

Hoards of Iowans will get to have a weekend out in Cowtown. You’ll recognize them by their pale skin, funny accents, and thick ankles. Iowans have more cankles than the movie Moana.

This is one of their last chances to escape the frozen midwest before ten months of winter set in.

Houston Baptist at SMU

6:00 pm espn3 Video

Congrats to Sonny Dykes for simultaneously picking up his first win and intentionally engineering a quarterback controversy, all in the final three minutes. That’s multi-tasking Sonny. You’re the Nordic Combined of college coaching.

Houston Baptist started their program in 2013, in four years the Huskies have won four Southland Conference games. Texas State fans refer to this as going “Full Withers.”


6:00 pm $espn+ Video

UTEP needs a win worse than Brett Kavanaugh right about now.

Never has a team celebrated beating Texas State by four points, then UTSA did on Saturday night. It’s like showing off to your friends by doing burn outs in your new Toyota Corolla.

Just in case you missed it, things got heated at the UTSA tailgate last weekend. The moral here is don’t get knocked out unless you absolutely have to.

You can check the “Brawl in the Parking Lot” box. Now if you could just put together a few secondary NCAA violations or systematically overlook criminal activity amongst your athletic program we’ll be able to officially welcome UTSA to big time college football.

Louisiana Tech at North Texas

6:30 pm beIN / Video (not on DirecTV)

Look! A dandy conference opener that the roughly seven of you who get beIN will get to see. CUSA's TV deal is groundbreaking if only that so many of its networks aren't actually on TV.

North Texas Texas blew out Liberty in a driving rain storm, as Mason Fine and the Mean Green survived an attempted smiting from Jerry Falwell. Liberty fans were left to assume that Fine now has dominion over the weather as well as Chad Morris.

And now, your moment of Zen:

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