Come out guys! You’ve made it. Welcome back to the warm glow of college football, shield your eyes for a moment - the glory of it all is a lot to take in. Let’s get back to basics. Get your queso game on point, go with a domestic light beer, find your stretchy-eatin’ britches. Chances are your significant other tried to throw them away. They’ll claim they’re doing it because they love you, but they don’t. They’re trying to come between you and your one. true. love. Dadgum college football.
Your mistress is back. We get about four months from her, then she goes away again. Let’s cleave to her. Yes, in the biblical sense.
We’re here to walk you through the first weekend, which, dare we dream, is a four day run. Hydrate. On second thought it’s too late for that, better just cut straight to cigarettes. They’ll fortify you for the next 96 hours.
All times Texas.
Thursday, August, 29th
Texas State at Texas A&M 7:30 pm SEC Network / ESPN Video
Let’s get it kicking with some Thursday night SEC Network action, where the broadcast team won’t just ignore Texas State, they’ll shoehorn in Will Muschamp conversation INSTEAD of talking about your Bobcats.
Jake Spavital returns to Texas A&M. Aggie fans, you might remember him as the “God I miss Kliff Kingsbury” guy who ran more screens than the Golden State Warriors.
Dig out your ill-fitting gold blazer Larry Teis, it’s time to act like a real athletic director.
If A&M can avoid tripping over Jimbo’s wallet as they run out of the tunnel they should be able to move on to next week when Clemson removes their soul from their chest.
Friday, August, 30th
Rice at Army 5:00 pm CBSSN / CBSSN Video
Rice meets the military industrial complex on Saturday in upstate New York.
Army hasn’t seen an opponent with this little offense since they invaded Grenada.
Saturday, August, 31st
Montana State at Texas Tech 3:00 pm FSN / FSGo Video
Texas Tech fans get their first look at the coach they all dreamed of hiring this weekend. He’ll be coaching Houston on Sunday night against Oklahoma.
On Saturday they get their first look at the guy they actually hired, Matt “Wait…Who” Wells.
Wells led Utah State to a 19-18 record the last three seasons. That’s a resume the Arizona Cardinals could fall in love with.
Louisiana Tech at Texas 7:00 pm LHN / ESPN Video
Behold, Longhorn Jesus is here! You might remember Sam Ehlinger from every magazine cover in the grocery store checkout line.
Ehlinger joins Shea Morenz, Chris Simms, Brett Stafford, Garrett Gilbert, Shane Buechele, and Tyrone Swoopes as the next great hope for Texas football. If Horn fans pick every Texas quarterback as the next Longhorn savior one day they’ll be right.
Ehlinger will walk across the waters of Town Lake on Saturday afternoon, burnt orange aura shimmering amongst his countenance, and grit the Longhorns to a victory. Grit so hard.
Much like the old days of the Soviet Olympic apparatus, Tech administrators will keep a keen eye on Skip Holtz so insure he doesn’t attempt to sneak off the team bus and defect out of Ruston.
Friendly reminder for Tech fans, the Waffle House on Ben White is closer to the stadium, but the one on 290 probably gets you to there faster.
Abilene Christian at North Texas 6:30 pm $espn+ Video
North Texas begins its trek to a fourth straight bowl loss with Church of Christ affiliated Abilene Christian.
Side bar, when I was in college, which wasn’t entirely that long ago, I had friends that went to ACU. We visited Abilene when we discovered that the University had a very strict code of conduct. So much so that reports were the school sent out reps to local bars to write down license plate numbers to check if any enrolled students were taking part in the consumption of the devil’s liquor and amplified music.
ACU students were so excited for us drive our cars to the bar that it we packed them to the gills in a scene reminiscent of the last chopper out of Saigon. I don’t remember much else about that night. Here’s hoping ACU has an equally effective blackout after Saturday night’s contest.
Houston Baptist at UTEP 7:00 pm $espn+ Video
Relax Dana, that ain’t Northern Arizona over there. That’s Houston Baptist. We’re not saying the outcome is any different this year, but at least you won’t lose twice to the Lumberjacks.
Only Dana Dimel can go 1-11 and raise his career winning percentage.
These two programs take more L’s than commuters in Chicago.
The Huskies will be focused on tackling Kai Locksley by the ankle monitor.
Arkansas Pine Bluff at TCU 7:00 pm FSN / FSGo Video
Gary Patterson’s annual SWAC opener is Arkansas Pine Bluff. Wikipedia tells us Pine Bluff has the only comprehensive Aquaculture program in the state of Arkansas. Suck on that Chad Morris.
Kansas State coaches erupted in laughter when Patterson announced Wildcat transfer quarterback Alex Delton would start for the Frogs, then they realized he was serious.
Patterson’s used up more throwers than Gabe Kapler.
Incarnate Word at UTSA 5:00 pm espn3 Video
Excuse me, WHO ORDERED THE BATTLE FOR SAN ANTONIO? Word Up or Bird Up, either way get up.
UTSA fans, you picked the wrong week to stop sniffing spray paint! The oldest college football team in San Antonio not named Trinity is coming to take your corner.
Who am I kidding, you’ll never stop huffing paint.
If you say Al Borges’ name three times, he shows up and ruins your redzone offense.
UIW coach Eric Morris is the only undersized white slot to play at Tech and miss out on a ten-year career with the Patriots.
Stephen F. Austin at Baylor 6:00 pm $espn+ Video
In Baylor news, Art Briles is once again molding young minds, this time at the high school. For the first time in a long time his biggest victory won’t be over Title IX.
Sunday, September, 1st
Houston at Oklahoma 6:30 pm ABC / espn3 Video
Set your DVR for an extra 2 hours because THIS ONE IS GETTING POINTSY!
Coach Holgo’s back in Texas and it feels so good. Redbulls and canned Gatorade for all my men! Holgo’s single and running through the city like Mike Price on a three day weekend in Pensacola.
Here’s wishing former Coog defensive coordinator Mark D’Onofrio best of luck coaching his i9 squad Saturday morning. Oh, and best of luck to Major on his new analyst gig at Alabama. Saban likes his coffee with cream and the blood of his enemies.
Lincoln Riley’s excited because Oklahoma’s new quarterback doesn’t need a car seat this year.