Planning Your Football Weekend

The shenanigans are officially over. Conference play is kicking off, body bag games are in the rear view mirror and we’ll need you at your best on Saturday. Don’t worry about pushing yourself to watch games on Thursday and Friday. Concentrate on hydrating, resting your legs, and trying to reconcile with your significant other. Lie to them and tell them you’ve changed. You haven’t of course, but it’s best if they find that out on their own when you’re non-responsive on the couch at 2 a.m. Sunday morning as UCLA and Arizona hit the over.

All times Texas.

Saturday, September, 28th

Arkansas vs. Texas A&M (Arlington) 11:00 0m ESPN

After so many heartbreaking results, Arkansas fans dread A&M week like they do most literacy tests.

Used car salesman Chad Morris’ efforts to turn the Razorbacks into a Mountain West contender aren’t going well.

Morris approached administrators at Arkansas last week to ask if he could take a redshirt year.

Last week in Fayetteville, San Jose State pulled off the greatest Spartan victory since the Battle of Tanagra.

Kansas at TCU 11:00 am FS1

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The only thing worse than TCU’s loss to SMU last week is Les Miles dye job.

Gary Patterson complained about the home crowd last week. In their defense it’s best to flee when you see a disaster coming.

Texas Tech at Oklahoma 11:00 am FOX

Matt Wells gets his first taste of Oklahoma and Big 12 play. Should go over about as well as Taco Bell’s Waffle Taco.

Lincoln Riley’s spent the week prepping for the Red Raiders and sliding into D’Eriq King’s DMs.

Tech hasn’t won in Norman since the Big 12 actually had 12 teams.

The last time Tech won at OU Tommy Tubbs hadn’t left Lubbock for his dream job in America’s playground, Cincinnati.

Iowa State at Baylor 2:30 pm ESPN

The Cyclones scored 72 points on poor Louisiana Monroe last week. It’s the most points scored by an Iowa State team that didn’t feature Fred Hoiberg.

Baylor is 3-0 for the first time since acknowledging Title IX.

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Winner of this one gets the inside track to that coveted Cheeze-It Bowl bid.

If Matt Campbell keeps this up he could end up with a Power 5 job.

SMU at South Florida 3:00 pm ESPNU

I can’t wait for the heartwarming midfield reunion between Chuck Strong and his former UT quarterback Shane Buechele. Chuck might even slip Shane a resume and ask him to put in a good word.

A south Florida institution hasn’t tanked this hard since the mortgage crisis.

Like Demi Lovato, Charlie Strong peaked in 2013.

Nicholls at Texas State 6:00 pm ESPN3

Look kids, A Southland Conference Reunion!

It must’ve been thrilling to be a Texas State student on Saturday night and see your team win, on your cell phone, while you’re standing in a bar on the Square.

A Texas State kicker won a game with his leg. According to some biblical scholars, the four horsemen of the apocalypse are saddling up.

Congrats to Jake Spavital. You’re 1/7th of the way to Everett Withters’ win total.

UTEP at Southern Miss 6:00 pm ESPN+

Dana Dimel is spending this week focusing on teaching his quarterback to throw spirals and, if possible, not to the wrong team.

Miner quarterback’s top target was the Nevada secondary.

UTEP was responsible for more errant balls than a 5k at a nudist colony.

Hattiesburg is beautiful this time of the year, the Waffle House just got a pressure washing and the meth is in full bloom.

Louisiana Tech at Rice 6:00 pm ESPN3 Video

Last week the MOB’s halftime performance took dead aim at Baylor’s treatment of the LGTBQ community. Baylor administrators thought the performance was pretty gay.

The result of last week’s game wasn’t unexpected, Baptists have always been hard on intellectuals.

Houston at North Texas 7:00 pm Facebook Video

Leave it to CUSA to put a marquee matchup on a website known primarily for cat memes and Russian election meddling.

Houston made headlines this week when star quarterback D’Eriq King announced he would sit out the remainder of the year as a redshirt and return next season. Houston’s putting more assets towards 2020 than Elizabeth Warren.

If the Coogs were looking for someone to mismanage talent they could’ve saved air fare and hired Mike D’Antoni.

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