Go to the Rolodex.
Pay that man his money.
The coaching carousel is spinning.
The leftovers are ready.
It’s all jackets these days.
A must win.
Make or Break.
Mean Green King vs. The Dragons
Load it up for Thursday night.
It’s go time.
The Chad goes down.
We are issuing a blue-blazer double eagle fox-trot alert. This is not a drill. We’ve got ourselves a big time football weekend. Big Time. It’s rare to have one of these in week three, but we don’t dictate the schedule the schedule dictates to us. For you and I that means all out til the fall out. Spend Thursday and Friday prepping, backup queso, ice, beer, penicillin, and for the love of Pete, clean underwear.
This is a big one. All Times Texas. El Paso, figure out the math on your own.
UTEP at Tennessee
11:00 am SEC Network / WatchESPN Video
Culture shock as UTEP travels to the Smoky Mountains and Tennessee. The Southwest meets the slack-jawed yocals.
Unlike Miner fans, Tennessee fans keep showing up, year in and year out, 106,000 of ‘em, hoping for the best but knowing deep down they’ll leave disappointed. Much like fans of Tyler Perry films.
Duke at Baylor
2:30 pm FS1 / FSGo Video
The Baptists welcome the Dukies to Waco. The Blue Devils are escaping the wrath of Hurricane Florence and heading straight into the wrath of Matt Rhule. Well, not so much wrath, but more stern yet understanding look of Matt Rhule.
Baylor’s tour of vengeance and furious anger is right on schedule:
Avenge loss to FCS Religious institution in opener: Check
Avenge loss to UTSA: Check
Avenge loss to Duke by wiping that sly grin off David Cutcliff’s face: Pending
Avoid national scandal that involves failure to adequately investigate crimes and disregard Federal Law: Fingers crossed
SMU at Michigan
Well, the 2018 season hasn’t gone to plan for Sonny Dykes, unless of course his plan was eight quarters of ineptitude and regression. If that’s the case, then thumbs up Sonny, you’ve nailed it.
Jim Harbaugh’s slide into insanity continues, more rapidly by the day. Everyone thought it was cute, the pleated pants, the same shirt, the cleats on the sideline when he first came back to Michigan with dreams making the Ohio State rivalry, you know, competitive. That hasn’t happened.
At this point Michigan fans are willing to offer Urban the job and let him bring Zach Smith to run the offense and head up community outreach.
Houston at Texas Tech
3:00 pm FOX / FSGo Video
A good old fashioned SWC matchup that WILL GET POINTSY!
Nice of Houston to give Kevin Sumlin half a quarter to feel like maybe, possibly, his team might get back into the fight on Saturday. Then the Major ordered the regulars back in, who pulled Sumlin’s chain, ate his lunch and told him his mom’s cooking sucks.
On a side note, remember last offseason when everyone thought Arizona won the lottery by hiring Sumlin and Arizona State lost their mind by hiring Herm? Good times.
Tech drowned their sorrows from the opener by kicking the hell out of Lamar last week. That’s all well and good if you’re trying to win the Southland, but Kliff’s got bigger plans, like edging out Iowa State for that coveted sixth spot in the Big 12.
North Texas at Arkansas
Mason Fine’s road to Heisman voters ignoring him for some inside linebacker from Alabama goes through Arkansas. We hear Arkansas is a wonderful place to visit this time of year, the leaves are turning, the weather is milder and that the crystal meth is in season.
We are of course kidding, the meth is always in season.
Chad “Awe shucks guys, I’m just a math teacher who coaches ball” Morris is finding the natives noticeably restless after the Razorbacks soiled the bed in Fort Collins last weekend. If he loses to North Texas he’ll have to start planning his next move to the “only job I’d leave for.” Probably Ouachita Baptist.
UTSA at Kansas State
3:00 pm FSN / FSGo Video
The Roadrunner’s tour of Power 5 programs concludes with a trip to the Sunshine State. It’s been like touring Napa Valley, but instead of wine tastings, UTSA's tasted the pain of future NFL receivers forcing the Roadrunner secondary to co-star in their highlight reels.
Football fans in the state of Kansas are coming down from their once a year high of a Kansas football win. It’s like watching a comet that flies by each year, sputters, and implodes just in time for basketball season.
At Kansas State, Bill Snyder is working harder than Jerry Jones to ensure that his son succeeds him on the throne. Based on early returns, Bill and Jerry are making similar personnel decisions.
Texas State at South Alabama
6:00 pm ESPN+ Video
After Texas State beat their annual FCS opponent we feel comfortable launching the “Let’s Win Three” campaign. The “Let’s Win Three” campaign is based on Everett Withers now annual charging the windmill of three wins and encourages kids to shoot for less than mediocre. Don't aim for the moon. Don’t reach for the stars, clouds are pretty. Try getting one of those. If possible.
Louisiana Monroe at Texas A&M
6:30 pm SEC Network / WatchESPN Video
No GameDay for Louisiana Monroe’s visit to Kyle Field, that’s a shame. We’re sure Aggie fans had plenty of new sign ideas directed at a rival institution that they refuse to play.
The Clemson game was great and all, but Aggie fans are used to false hope in September. Their also used to dropping four straight SEC games in November. We’re still right on schedule.
Ohio State vs. TCU (Arlington)
7:00 pm ABC / espn3 Video
Ohio State announced this week that they have a new student manager to help players hydrate. His name is Meyer Urban. He’ll be given a headset and sideline access to monitor hydration levels for the team. Under no circumstances will he be calling plays, directing defenses, deleting text messages, making questionable hires, or suffering short term memory loss.
USC at Texas
7:00 pm FOX / FSGo Video
Nobody told Tulsa they were the scheduling equivalent of the Washington Generals. Plucky little Hurricanes almost pulled a Maryland. If nothing else, the Tulsa game gave us this piece of wondrous wonderment.
Honestly, picking between this and Tom’s attempt to demo a locker with a sledgehammer is like choosing between my children. I LOVE THEM BOTH SO MUCH.
Big Fox presents the game to you in prime time, we’re tentatively calling it the “Hey, we were relevant pre-2010” Bowl. It's the American Idol of prime time games.
And Now, Your Moment of Zen:
More Planning Your Football Weekend
It’s about that time.
Shorts and shells.
If you build it, they will come.
All the pieces.