We cannot wait.
Go to the Rolodex.
Meet the new boss.
Past my bedtime.
Lets GET. IT. ON.
Make or Break.
Big game in Lubbock.
Big weekend coming.
A long football weekend of football.
It’s here, look busy.
It’s go time.
We are issuing a blue-blazer double eagle fox-trot alert. This is not a drill. We’ve got ourselves a big time football weekend. Big Time. It’s rare to have one of these in week three, but we don’t dictate the schedule the schedule dictates to us. For you and I that means all out til the fall out. Spend Thursday and Friday prepping, backup queso, ice, beer, penicillin, and for the love of Pete, clean underwear.
This is a big one. All Times Texas. El Paso, figure out the math on your own.
UTEP at Tennessee
11:00 am SEC Network / WatchESPN Video
Culture shock as UTEP travels to the Smoky Mountains and Tennessee. The Southwest meets the slack-jawed yocals.
Unlike Miner fans, Tennessee fans keep showing up, year in and year out, 106,000 of ‘em, hoping for the best but knowing deep down they’ll leave disappointed. Much like fans of Tyler Perry films.
Duke at Baylor
2:30 pm FS1 / FSGo Video
The Baptists welcome the Dukies to Waco. The Blue Devils are escaping the wrath of Hurricane Florence and heading straight into the wrath of Matt Rhule. Well, not so much wrath, but more stern yet understanding look of Matt Rhule.
Baylor’s tour of vengeance and furious anger is right on schedule:
Avenge loss to FCS Religious institution in opener: Check
Avenge loss to UTSA: Check
Avenge loss to Duke by wiping that sly grin off David Cutcliff’s face: Pending
Avoid national scandal that involves failure to adequately investigate crimes and disregard Federal Law: Fingers crossed
SMU at Michigan
Well, the 2018 season hasn’t gone to plan for Sonny Dykes, unless of course his plan was eight quarters of ineptitude and regression. If that’s the case, then thumbs up Sonny, you’ve nailed it.
Jim Harbaugh’s slide into insanity continues, more rapidly by the day. Everyone thought it was cute, the pleated pants, the same shirt, the cleats on the sideline when he first came back to Michigan with dreams making the Ohio State rivalry, you know, competitive. That hasn’t happened.
At this point Michigan fans are willing to offer Urban the job and let him bring Zach Smith to run the offense and head up community outreach.
Houston at Texas Tech
3:00 pm FOX / FSGo Video
A good old fashioned SWC matchup that WILL GET POINTSY!
Nice of Houston to give Kevin Sumlin half a quarter to feel like maybe, possibly, his team might get back into the fight on Saturday. Then the Major ordered the regulars back in, who pulled Sumlin’s chain, ate his lunch and told him his mom’s cooking sucks.
On a side note, remember last offseason when everyone thought Arizona won the lottery by hiring Sumlin and Arizona State lost their mind by hiring Herm? Good times.
Tech drowned their sorrows from the opener by kicking the hell out of Lamar last week. That’s all well and good if you’re trying to win the Southland, but Kliff’s got bigger plans, like edging out Iowa State for that coveted sixth spot in the Big 12.
North Texas at Arkansas
Mason Fine’s road to Heisman voters ignoring him for some inside linebacker from Alabama goes through Arkansas. We hear Arkansas is a wonderful place to visit this time of year, the leaves are turning, the weather is milder and that the crystal meth is in season.
We are of course kidding, the meth is always in season.
Chad “Awe shucks guys, I’m just a math teacher who coaches ball” Morris is finding the natives noticeably restless after the Razorbacks soiled the bed in Fort Collins last weekend. If he loses to North Texas he’ll have to start planning his next move to the “only job I’d leave for.” Probably Ouachita Baptist.
UTSA at Kansas State
3:00 pm FSN / FSGo Video
The Roadrunner’s tour of Power 5 programs concludes with a trip to the Sunshine State. It’s been like touring Napa Valley, but instead of wine tastings, UTSA's tasted the pain of future NFL receivers forcing the Roadrunner secondary to co-star in their highlight reels.
Football fans in the state of Kansas are coming down from their once a year high of a Kansas football win. It’s like watching a comet that flies by each year, sputters, and implodes just in time for basketball season.
At Kansas State, Bill Snyder is working harder than Jerry Jones to ensure that his son succeeds him on the throne. Based on early returns, Bill and Jerry are making similar personnel decisions.
Texas State at South Alabama
6:00 pm ESPN+ Video
After Texas State beat their annual FCS opponent we feel comfortable launching the “Let’s Win Three” campaign. The “Let’s Win Three” campaign is based on Everett Withers now annual charging the windmill of three wins and encourages kids to shoot for less than mediocre. Don't aim for the moon. Don’t reach for the stars, clouds are pretty. Try getting one of those. If possible.
Louisiana Monroe at Texas A&M
6:30 pm SEC Network / WatchESPN Video
No GameDay for Louisiana Monroe’s visit to Kyle Field, that’s a shame. We’re sure Aggie fans had plenty of new sign ideas directed at a rival institution that they refuse to play.
The Clemson game was great and all, but Aggie fans are used to false hope in September. Their also used to dropping four straight SEC games in November. We’re still right on schedule.
Ohio State vs. TCU (Arlington)
7:00 pm ABC / espn3 Video
Ohio State announced this week that they have a new student manager to help players hydrate. His name is Meyer Urban. He’ll be given a headset and sideline access to monitor hydration levels for the team. Under no circumstances will he be calling plays, directing defenses, deleting text messages, making questionable hires, or suffering short term memory loss.
USC at Texas
7:00 pm FOX / FSGo Video
Nobody told Tulsa they were the scheduling equivalent of the Washington Generals. Plucky little Hurricanes almost pulled a Maryland. If nothing else, the Tulsa game gave us this piece of wondrous wonderment.
Honestly, picking between this and Tom’s attempt to demo a locker with a sledgehammer is like choosing between my children. I LOVE THEM BOTH SO MUCH.
Big Fox presents the game to you in prime time, we’re tentatively calling it the “Hey, we were relevant pre-2010” Bowl. It's the American Idol of prime time games.
And Now, Your Moment of Zen:
More Planning Your Football Weekend
You're probably saying to yourself, geez, it's too early to put out a ranking and you are in fact right but if we don't people will assume we're hacks, perhaps more so, so here we go. We rank'em one to twelve and yes, your school should be higher on the list. Way higher.
The Frogs beat Southern on Saturday in Fort Worth. Not a great achievement. They'll get SMU Friday in Dallas. Again, not a huge hill to climb, but from there its Ohio State and Texas in back-to-back weeks.
2. Texas A&M
Again, a blowout win over an FCS team didn't tell us much, but Clemson and Alabama are coming up, and Jimbo's new toy in College Station will get a gigantic test.
If you can overlook the first half, Houston looked like a dangerous ball club against Rice. The Coogs can score on a whim and Ed Oliver and Isaiah Chambers are already locked in.
The disaster is in Austin is now officially on the table. For all Tom Herman's assurances to the contrary, Texas revealed many of the same issues that made them a seven-win team in 2017.
The Bears cruised past Abilene Christian on Saturday night. The Baptists are praying for Charlie Brewer's back this week or hoping Jalen McClendon isn't a one-hit wonder. Baylor travels down 35 to the Alamodome and UTSA hoping to avenge last year's loss to the Roadrunners.
6. North Texas
Well, that was quite the debut. Mason Fine looked like a quarterback in total control of his chi, his receivers made plays all over the field, and most important the defense shut down the Mustangs. The college football universe took notice. The Mean Green can't look too far ahead to Arkansas in two weeks.
7. Texas Tech
Tech was glad to see Tech in their rearview mirror. Ole Miss did basically what they wanted to against a supposedly improved Tech defense. The Red Raiders now play Southland foe Lamar in Lubbock before Houston comes calling.
Oh boy, Herm Edwards looked like Nick Saban against the Roadrunners on Saturday night. It's just one game, but the offensive line issues don't look like they're going away anytime soon, and with two more P5s on the schedule, things might not get better.
Who knows if this is too high or too low, but either way the Mustangs layed a turd Saturday night. Sonny's tenure in SMU is marked with two blowouts and a possible third on the way with TCU. The Mustangs can't be as bad as the inept team that turtled in Denton last weekend. Right?
For 3/4 of the Bayou Bucket, you could see the vision of Mike Bloomgren - physical offense, aggressive and opportunistic defense. Then the heat and the depth and the speed exposed Rice. A trip to 2-0 Hawaii offers little relief.
11. Texas State
Fifteen penalties will ruin anyone's trip to New Jersey. The bad quarterback play didn't help. If the Bobcats want to hang their hat on anything, it's that their defense played well enough without any help. Texas Southern comes to San Marvelous, and maybe the 'Cats can work out some of the kinks.
The road is long and full of peril for the Miners. Dana Dimel's squad lost by 20 to an FCS opponent in a game that wasn't even that close. It's going to be a long 2018, and that road gets longer with a trip to improving UNLV and SEC East opponent Tennessee.
Opening festivities, good time not had by all.
Low center of gravity.
It’s about that time.